Diary of Ragnarők

Childhood Dream.

2012-01-14T23:20:00.003+08:00

'I remember somehow.' d._.b The Humbling River - Puscifier.

Okay, I have exams next week, and i'm not totally done studying, but feck it, I just feel a need to write a blog entry, so here it is.

With the emergence of Facebook and social media sites, I guess blogs aren't as popular anymore. I remember the days where blogging used to be 'in', and to me, well it still is! It's the only way to write a long post without people questioning the truth of your content; apart from avoiding the idiotic internet trolls and memes (I swear, some people have no originality).

Apart from that, well blogging is the only way for me to recall what i've felt before. So I tend to invoke feelings and emotions into my writing. In the end it feels more like a novel and a narrative than anything. But well, here's a life story of a dude, who's just like any other dude who exists on this planet. The only difference is that this dude writes his life down in words and legible paragraphs.

Today's topic is about childhood ambitions. Can you recall what you wanted to be as a child? Maybe you wanted to be a policeman, or even a traveler, a journalist or even a writer, but the chances are, you're probably not living that dream right now because well, life isn't what you thought it was as a child. As a child, you had legitimate dreams, you wanted to do whatever you wanted to. Hell, I could be a pilot and a submariner the next. You can go ahead and tell me that I could still pursue my dream, because happiness matters more than anything else right? Right.

My childhood ambition was to be a soldier. Why? I don't know. If you ask me now, I really don't, because I don't have enough justifications to back up my choice. I remember writing a composition about "What I want to be when I grow up", and drawing a very badly proportioned soldier with his buddies trudging through the jungle.

...and royally fucking up the entire composition. My teacher got me to redo it, so I asked mum for help. Now mum being the very helpful person she was, basically got me to write me what she thought a soldier was. And back then, as a 7 year-old child, it was pretty insightful.

"...so that I can protect the people I love."

That was one of the sentences she told me to write, probably. Because back then, I loved everyone and everything. I loved the trees, the birds, the flowers, the sun, the clouds, the sky, the roads and cars, my family, my bully of a brother, my irritating sister, my blanket, my pillow, my friends, that goose in school... meh, whatever I came across, I found it in my heart to love. Because back then, I was a kid.

But you know, the me now could probably learn a few lessons from seven year old me. Unfortunately, life isn't so splendid and perfect. And you start to find it a little hard to love. A little hard to even like. A little hard to even appreciate. A little hard to even smile. A little hard to even approve. Life isn't all rainbows and sunshine, isn't all bright and pretty and devoid of hate. That's what life is. A dried up patch of land with the occasional sign of life that waits to betray your own. That's what life is.

Of course, it's not always so gloomy.

From time to time, we find people we start to love. We find people we can like. We find people we can appreciate, we find people that make us smile. We find people that melt our hearts somehow. And no matter how hard you try to hold on to these people, they somehow fade away after awhile. That's when you realise that life isn't about loving others and everything else. It's about loving yourself. That's when you get up on your own two feet and start to walk on your own even when nobody tells you to. Even when there's no smiling, or approval, or love. You just get up and begin walking.

Because before we can begin loving others, we need to love ourselves.

Back then, though, as a child, I considered myself very unworthy. Underperforming, underachieving, not very physically adept, not intelligent academic wise. The only thing I could do was play video games. What use is a fellow like that to the world? I thought myself a very unworthy child, unworthy of love and care and concern. And thus, it felt alright when I didn't get any. I got used to it. Never had to listen to mum's wisdom, or even dad's ranting. I had very little guidance. As long as I had a controller in my hand, I felt secure. Time flew by the hours, by the days.

Soon, I forgot that I even wanted to be a soldier. Protecting the ones I love? I love nobody. So there's nothing to protect. The point is defeated! It is a pointless thought, so I casted it aside.

Until I served, that is. I never thought of serving as a waste of time. Those two years taught me so many valuable lessons that I could have never learnt on my own. So many in fact, that i'm glad I was of the proper age and mindset to take it all with me, and not just treat it as bad remarks. I've gained much wisdom from serving and so here I am.

To be honest, i've considered signing on as a medic in the army. That means, wearing green. I've spent the most of my conscript life in the navy, so there's that. I've always preferred green over the blue anyway. But right now, my reasons for signing on are different.

If I sign on, i'll be prepared to spend the most of my life away from home. Because signing on for the money is nonsense. I sign on so that I can feel alive. Feel alive because i'm threading close to death everyday. When I watch videos of soldiers, I feel a certain level of reverence for them, because they place their life on the line everyday. Movies like the Hurt Locker reflect my emotions a whole lot.

Thing is, if there were to be a draft for war in this country, i'll probably pick up my greens and sign up right away. I know there's a ton of people who wouldn't give their life for this country, and i'm not trying to be special. I'm doing it because it's probably the only thing that can make me feel alive in this time and day. If I don't fight, then it's the same as not living at all. When there's a need, anyway. Right now, the possibility of a war is so sparse that my words are probably like ambient noise - pointless stimuli.

See, I guess we don't all forget about our childhood dreams. We just find different reasons than what we had from back then.

Keep the fire burning, people. Let your passions ignite.

Christmas Day.

2011-12-25T22:55:00.002+08:00

'Merry Christmas.' d._.b Digital Love - Daft Punk.

Merry Christmas everyone! Or whoever's reading anyway. Christmas this year's a little quiet. Then again, I think it's going to remain this way for a long time. Worse still since my elder sister won't be around from next year.

Put it this way, my brother and I - we don't believe in gifts. Gifts make people forget the real meaning of Christmas, makes people scurry about shopping malls at the last minute to get that someone something that he or she might not even use. Why? Because of tradition. Christmas never made sense to me that way. Even a few years back, my aunts and uncles on my maternal side of the family gave us gifts - shirts mostly - that we never use. Ended up donating all of them to relief centres when we cleared up our wardrobes.

So, that's that. Never believed in giving gifts, never believed in receiving them. Christmas is just a time for the family to get together and eat a good hearty meal while enjoying random moments. To me, as long as everyone's smiling on Christmas day, it's a perfect day already. Who needs gifts when you have cherished people surrounding you giving you what you already need? The greatest gift of all; Love. Anything more is just greed or our own perception of what's deemed right.

Still, Christmas doesn't feel as magical as it once was.

I remember as a child, the whole family would spend Christmas eve over at grandma's. My brother, my three cousins (technically one uncle) and myself would be there. The five of us had the closest age gaps and we made Christmas really magical. Somehow, the trees would be filled to the brim with presents, so many presents, one from each person for each child, one from each person for each aunt and uncle, and one from each person for grandma. It was abundant! I've never seen so many Christmas gifts at once before, not even at church. The humble tree (it was rather tiny) would be brightly lit up and placed on a table to exaggerate its height a little bit, and a shiny star placed at the very top.

It would be just how you'd imagine it. Like on television, movies, and even how you hear it being described on the radio. It was perfect like that, a perfect, humble little Christmas tree. Fact is, over the years the presents under the tree started getting even more sparse. From a flood of presents that occurred years before, the presents became so pathetic in amount that even the tree managed to overshadow all of them.

People stopped going over to grandma's. People stopped staying over. I don't know what happened. But when it did, all that was left was me, my brother, and one of my cousins.

I guess that's when we all grew up. We decided that presents no longer made sense. We decided that Christmas had to be spent commemorating Christ. Nothing else mattered. So we stopped going as well.

So this year, it's just us, my dad, and my sister. Oh, and her fiance. Long story short, it's a really quiet Christmas. Never even did see my brother or father laugh a whole lot. Hell, I barely even laughed myself. I don't know what happened, but this isn't Christmas like I remember.

The very consolation that I have is that on Youtube, there're many videos wishing users a Merry Christmas. I was extremely grateful for all of that, because well, I suppose those videos kind of remind me a little bit of my childhood. My magical childhood where everyone had fun..

I guess things happen. And life isn't all that perfect.

Well, enough mucking around, Christmas is almost over. My sister and her fiance still bought me a present despite me telling her that it wasn't a need. Although I told her she needn't do so, I still thanked her. And smiled a little inside. It's nice receiving gifts, I guess I should start giving as well. Thing is, i've never bought gifts for anyone, ever. Except for my brother that is, because we're almost similar. Never understood what other people wanted anyway.

Still, a perfect gift to me is - i've already mentioned it. A whole family, sitting at a dining table, with bountiful amounts of food, and lots of laughter. That's a perfect Christmas, anywhere in the world.

That's pretty much it. Christmas is over, and to me, it really just felt like another Sunday.

Blast from the Past.

2011-12-22T02:43:00.002+08:00

'I'm back.' d._.b Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics.

Today, I accidentally stumbled upon all of my old blog posts, and I smiled, for some reason. Looking back, I really had one hell of an adventure as a teenager; if not on the outside, then at least on the inside. Insane raging hormones and such. I looked back and smiled and went "Man, did that really happen?! Hahahaha." The fact is that it did happen! And i'm glad it did, and i'm glad I wrote all of it down. Why? Because I could never have remembered all of those things right now, not even if I thought deeply.

So, a quick update on my current self! I'm currently studying in university! Man, i'd never have thought this day would come. Then again, it's um, six months too late to say that! I've been in university since end-June, and thus far it all feels like a big dream. If anything, I feel less and less like a teenager. More and more like an adult. I have these constant thoughts of needing to perform well and get into honours class because my dad is giving up his years of saved cash for this one last ditch chance for me.

I just can't let the man down. Can't do it, 22 years i've been living, and I haven't even contributed to the household yet. Nuh-uh. I've gotta do well, get a stable job and start contributing. Maybe then i'll feel at ease.

University's a chore. Apart from the essays and assignments and mid-term and final year exams and tests, there's the random presentations that we need to do, and research that we have to participate in. Meh. I'll have to be honest, I can't get along with anyone either, for that matter. Maybe it's because i've become so cynical over the years in the army, I just gave up making friends all over. I decided it'd be a waste of time, and so far I haven't been regretting my decision.

People don't seem to be worried even the least bit here. I wonder sometimes if they even know what the hell they're doing, or whether this is what they want to do. But then I stop wondering because it's a stupid, pointless thought. Actions speak louder than words, and therefore thoughts.

Basically, the majority of people in university annoy the hell out of me, maybe because I have a kind of elitist attitude when it comes to striving for the best. Shove the worthless ones aside, make friends with the people who are deemed 'better'. Ack Meru, how far have you fallen? Look at the amount of crap my brain has repressed! It seems like i'm guilty about a lot of things, but I don't realize it consciously. Things like not hanging out with my old friends, not making new friends, generally not giving a fuck about others etc. I really wish I could give a shit, really I do.

Thing is, there's just so much to do. Sometimes I just want to sit back, relax and imagine that the world's gonna end in 7 days or so (I hope not). Because that's probably the only way I can feel free and liberated. Right now, I have to put on this farce because I want to be the best. Really, if I didn't give so much of a shit about my results, maybe i'd have made more friends.

But that's just the way life is. Life throws us limitations and conditions. Mine is simple: i'm treating it as a way to atone for my failure as a nurse. I'm pretty sure that when I tell people I did nursing; their immediate opinion is "Wow, this guy must be doing badly academically." That's how it's played out in my mind. The fact that I gym three times a week doesn't help the 'muscle head' stereotype either.

Well, i'm thinking all of this, which probably isn't even true. And i'm going "Man, fuck this, I don't need this!" and I decide to fight on by myself. It's probably a self fulfilling prophecy if anything. Meaning; I act the way I want people to react to me. So i'm probably unconsciously being a prick to everyone without even knowing. Ignoring Roodra on the bus that one Friday is a good example! Hahaha.

Thing is, deep down I probably don't feel good not giving a shit about others. But the fact remains that I have these limitations. So, I have to live with them; trading off my would-be friends doesn't seem like such a bad idea.. right?

I can't explain why I keep going to the gym either. I guess there's where passion and devotion comes in. Ever had something you can't stop doing no matter what? That even the thought of it is diffused by your own brain a split second later? For me that's the gym. If I don't go to the gym, I get a massive cognitive dissonance. And I have to find a good, a REALLY good excuse to convince myself that my body isn't breaking down from missing that one session.

I don't know, I guess i'm a fanatic like that.

Another thing is; well Rick got married! It's a little late for this, since it's been like 3 months already. I haven't heard from him in awhile. Again, i'm convincing myself that I don't need him anymore. Deep down my emotions are probably telling me to go hang out with him and all my old buddies. Unfortunately, my mind's too strong, it represses all of these thoughts and gives me reasons and excuses for avoiding them.

"Once people are exhausted of their purpose, they are of no use to you."
"...Rick? He doesn't need you anymore. He has other friends."
"He's married now, he needs to hang out with couple friends. You're non-existent."
"You don't need someone like that now, do you?"
"Besides, that woman - his wife, you can't really get along well with her can you?"
"Forget him. You're better off fighting on your own."

"...Oh right, there was supposed to be a barbecue. Epic meal time style, yes?"
"I absolutely DETEST alcohol. So what is the point?"
"Fact is, nobody is making an effort anyway."
"...so why should I?"
"It's not only my responsibility to keep everyone together."
"Forget them. You're better off fighting on your own."

These are the thoughts that I can consciously perceive. But I truly believe that deep down, I feel otherwise. I'm not a kid anymore. Perhaps all of these thoughts appear to protect myself. I fear not giving my best nowadays. I hate living in the past. We should ALL move on in life. Forget about who we once were, pretend like it never existed. Because that's just how adulthood works, like grabbing you in the nuts.

I guess i'm not so different from anyone else now, am I? For once I feel at ease. I feel like a human again. It won't change the fact that I have to live with the burden of having to do my best, though. Maybe stress is finally kicking in on me.

Hahaha, I should make this a weekly affair! Looking back at my posts was fun. I want to be able to look back at this too in the future, and see how stupid I am right now. Wait.. didn't I just..? I remember saying that back when I was 16 and started this blog. I guess some things never change, huh. Hehe.

And as I type this with a smirk on my face, the seconds continue to tick away. I'm ageing, but my soul stays the same. Music still keeps me peaceful, training still sets my mind at ease..

The best thing is; well nobody's gonna read this, ever! It'll be kind of like talking to myself, but that's fine, right? Besides, it's better if nobody knows about what I truly feel deep down. Let them have their own perceptions and justifications. I don't care! Hahahaha! People who judge you by the way you behave - well they're really not worth your time. Your true friends, they'll find a way to break you out of it.

...isn't that right Meru? Let's keep fighting. The moment we stop fighting, we lose our purpose. Keep fighting on, fight these emotions and retain your stoic nature. Fight these pointless thoughts. Obscure everything else but the goal at hand. That's all that matters..

Maybe tomorrow, i'll find my way home.

The Milgram Experiment.

2011-11-26T01:53:00.002+08:00

Why is my mind shrouded with abysmal despair?

In 1961, Stanley Milgram, a psychologist, conducted a study on human obedience to authority figures. This was in response to the holocaust several decades earlier, whereby soldiers exterminated other humans. Was it really their own will that drove them to do such a horrific thing? Or was it because they were told to do so by authority?

Unlike other experiments, this one struck me as one that was quite interesting, and at the same time appalling. Participants were told to administer shocks to another participant under the guise of a "Learning through pain" experiment. Participants thought that they were just going through the experiment by shocking the learner. The fact is that they were the ones being monitored.

The most shocking thing is that before reading the results experiment I thought to myself: "This is silly, nobody in their right state of mind would give another person 450volts of electricity, this experiment is nonsense!".

How wrong I was.

Milgram's research showed that 26/40 people, more than 65% of participants went to the maximum voltage when they were told to. I was shocked, and to some extent I still am. If it were me, I might've been one of the ones to do it, I just might have, and it led to me questioning every single thing that i've been doing in my life up till now. Because, like the participants, sometimes we just don't realise we're hurting other people.

...and the worst part of the experiment was that people all found their actions justifiable. Which, to some extent I could see myself doing as well. They put the blame on the experimenter - who is just an actor as well - and attempt to avoid being marked as the oppressor. The actual fact still remains that they would have been the ones who killed the learner, whom they know is an actual person.

The results of the experiment left a very haunting and terrorizing image in my mind. Are humans just born innately evil? At least, the two-thirds of us? Sure, many of us would say we'll probably not go beyond 200 volts, but that's within the context of THIS scenario. This occurence could apply anywhere else.

Truly, if we as humans are incapable of thinking for ourselves, then we might as well be labelled 'dogs' or 'cats' in our context. Learning only to obey commands and follow without thinking. Religions, education systems, and societal values all play a part in this grand scheme of scrambling our very own moral beliefs.

If that is the case, then our educators of the future need to better equip our youths with a mind that is, in Kohlberg's definition, postconventional. Though really, it depends wholly on the individual...

Alive.

2011-04-13T17:38:00.002+08:00

For once in a long while, I feel delighted.

I haven't posted for a long while, because I really haven't felt the need to. All this while, i've been living a dream so ignorant I can hardly tell it's real. However, this time I can. I used to want to dream the whole day away, I used to want to do nothing, but right now, at this moment, this instant - with my crippling body withering away like a desert rose, I want to live. I want to live and breathe and clutch onto whatever's ahead of me. I want to be alive.

I've done my first work out in three weeks, since I began feeling sick. I gave in at first, seeing as how I needed time and energy to recover. I just couldn't waste my body's resources on workouts when it should be resting to recover. So I waited. And I waited for a long time. The shingles took a week to recover, after that, I still had pain. The same pain I had before the shingles came. It stayed like a lingering pest, as if needing a host to survive. I gave in again.

Then, I had my wisdom tooth operation willingly. More pain. And painkillers. The painkillers... were a godsend. I've never taken anything so much more stronger than this. Within two days, I felt no more pain, and today, I resolved to do what I had almost forgotten to do. Work out. Nourishing my body and spirit. I've found new reasons to live, and some of them are pretty big.

I've been accepted into a private university. This will be my next step for the upcoming three to four years. By the time i'm done, i'll be 26. With a degree, hopefully with honours. No, WITH honours. Definitely.

Why? Because I step in to this battlezone with the same resolve I had five years ago when I wanted to become a nurse. Only this time, I don't really have a choice. I chose my route, I chose my future, and I have no more need to look behind.

I step into the battlezone with the same resolve I had five years ago. The resolve to help others. Because I believe from the bottom of my heart - what I am studying can reach out to others and genuinely help them. And because I believe, I am willing to go through great lengths to prove my conviction. I've met many people with poor convictions the past two years, and to be honest, it's like the only purpose of their lives is to serve as a reminder to myself not to be like them.

I'll heed their advice. And i'll keep moving forward. Because this is me. This is my future, and this is my fullmetal resolve. To the ends of the earth!

Relapse.

2010-12-03T15:49:00.002+08:00

'...and the world continues spinning.' d._.b TTHE REAL FOLK BLUES - Mai Yamane with SEATBELTS.

The wind blows hard. I've never felt such a strong breeze in a long time. The trees outside rattle violently, the clothes hanging from the other apartment sway, as if to tell me the wind's direction and strength. Then, water. Drizzling down from the skies, as little as it seemed, like a prelude to something that's about to come.

I've not felt this way in a long time. To have everything around me seem like a dream. At times like these, I can only rely on this blog to keep myself occupied, or continue training like i've always had. In a state of what people generalize as 'emo' I can only rely on my own thoughts and words of comfort. So pathetic, this grown man.

As each day goes by, I come closer to my self acclaimed 'freedom'. 'Freedom', we call it. All of us, serving our nation for two years. Is freedom really what this is? The end of our servitude? If anything, it's just the start of something else, something new but in reality repeating itself. Is that what life is? No, there has to be more. There has to be more to life than just eating, sleeping and going about our daily lives.

'Boring'- a word that many use to describe their every day life.

That's disheartening. How can life be boring? It's a gift given to us. To be alive is the greatest gift that a human being can give. Our parents, i'm pretty sure we're a product of their happiness. Yet, over the years, they've forgotten this 'joy'. A special kinship that they had so many years ago.

When I think about it, I am sad. Do people lose their heart so quickly? What happened to the trust and compassion between each one of them? As if only to protect their own interests, they sweep everyone else away, only to miss them afterward when it's too late. Why? Why do we keep on living? Is it for the sake of others? Or is it for ourselves? Even if it is for ourselves, how do we go about accomplishing what we want? Without destroying others in the process..?

I am confused, I am mellow, I am sad. I am melancholic.

Yet, this will all be over soon. When I reach the end of my lifespan, all of the answers will come to me, because there will no longer be a tomorrow to ponder. All of it will come to an end, all the millions of questions in my head, some of which I have an answer to but do not accept.

What can I do until then? It will be a long and tasking journey. All I have to do is close my eyes, sleep, and pray my nightmares do not catch up to me. Though, they are all that I have.

Maybe being tormented is better than being idle.

..Guess NS isn't such a bad thing afterall.

Recluse.

2010-10-23T00:19:00.002+08:00

'Realization.' d._.b Lost - American Hi-Fi.

I finally found a reason to blog. It's a horrid, repulsive reason, but I have to come to terms with it. I have to understand this weakness and accept it, and become stronger. The reason why I blog so much is because I want people to know about my feelings and thoughts. It's because I want someone who listens to what i'm saying and empathizes with me. All because i'm alone most of the time. I'm not blaming anyone, not even myself. I refuse to acknowledge anyone nowadays because i've built up this shell so thick, it's hard to remove all of it. That's what I am. Someone wanting to be heard, wanting for once in his life to be selfish and think about himself.

That's my weakness. It's not that I don't need people. I do, I do more than anyone knows, but the fact is that I don't know how to let them enjoy themselves around me. I'm a boring, uninteresting person, with a boring, uninteresting life. That's my life. Fact is, I can't live bringing someone else down because of my own reasons. That's why I choose to stay by myself. That's why I never answer personal phone calls, or reply personal SMSes. I'd love to think for once that i've grown up and have responsibilities, but the fact is that i'm not enjoying any part of it.

Still, my upbringing has taught me that i'll have to give back what I take, and that is why I cannot afford to fuck up any more. It's still too early to be thinking about myself. I need to study hard, get a job, and enjoy life from there. 'I have no time to be messing around', i'll always tell myself. If I spent one moment wasting my life away, i'll feel that this soul deserves a better host.

I don't drink and I don't smoke. Those two things are what everyone does nowadays, especially the former. People who know me on a daily basis know that I work out regularly, and that's the only way I can keep my pride intact. I've gone from 'nursing dude in medic' to 'gym dude'. And if I can influence a few people while i'm at it, why not?

Today, I learnt something. I learnt that life was worth living, because there's so much I haven't seen. So much I haven't done. And if I had to spend doing all of that with someone else.. i'd be grateful, honestly. Right now though, i'm going to try doing it all myself. Until I can fully get over all of my weaknesses, i'm not trusting anyone with my shit.

Rick, you've made many good friends. They've given you what I could never give, because i'm just that kid who stands by people. I never do fun things, ever. To be honest, i'm a little envious of all of those people there today because i've never seen you have that much fun in my life. In the end, i'm just the guy who's there to pick you up when you fall. And in a real-life scenario, we're mostly forgotten people who work behind the curtains. But that's alright, because i've never met anyone that strong in my life, and that makes up for everything.

Today, I didn't come for you. I came for me. It was always for me. Basketball, random meet ups, cosfest.. In the end, I realized it was all for me. The present, it was for me too. I HAD to get it for you. It was mandatory. And i'll continue getting one each year for as long as I see you, that is.

Otherwise, this is it. I have no idea when's the next time i'll see you, but keep that $10 handy, because i'll be there to take it back.

Jona, i've known you for a long time, but i've never seen you this dead drunk before. I thought I did, but that was someone else. And the only reason why someone ever gets that down is because they're hiding some kind of sadness or weakness. I mean, I don't know shit, i've not seen you for forever, but I can't help feeling that you're ripping up inside. I've only said two serious lines to you today, but those come from the bottom of my heart.

You'll always remain my first real friend, though we all move on someday. I just wanna let you know that i've never forgotten you for a second. All that dancing, all that spunk, everytime I see it, I smile a little inside because I know you're doing something that you love, regardless of the reasons. Regardless of all the pain inside. You're strong. Stronger than i'll ever be. But you don't know that, because you never listen, and you never look. You're not alone. Fo'real.

Today, I realize that you two are people whom i've hung around with for certain reasons. If you ever read this, just know that it's all real, and I ain't making shit up. I never do, and you know it.

...Know that a guy with two ears and one mouth wrote all of this.

And suddenly, I feel my shell cracking. What's inside though?

...Nothing. I am but that soft bed awaiting you when you arrive home weary and beaten. I may be forgotten but i'm always there. Always there, waiting to lull you into a comfortable melody, into a peaceful state of mind.

I am that friend.

NOFUTURE.

2010-08-15T21:59:00.003+08:00

'The next step's gonna be trippin'.' d._.b Careful - Paramore.

I'm 21. What does that mean? That means in less than a year, i'm going to ORD, and from there, I need to figure out what to do with my life. In scientific terms, i've lived one quarter of my life already, and it took me this long to figure that out. Of course, I can't wait till NS is over to decide what to do with my life. I'm going to decide within the next month or so, start making preparations and stuff.

Not too sure what i'll be doing, but my dad's got the funding, so thank God. Seriously. I know people who aren't able to carry on their studies because of inadequate funding, but my dad has got the dough. I got nothing to fear - all I need is the will to study. Fact is, I have a feeling i'll just fuck up the next course I do because my mind's still blank. I've never known what I wanted to do, and i'll probably never do.

If anything, it'll just be a way to pass life by, using the money I earn to buy luxuries and whatnot. Give my parents a good holiday, get a house, a nice car.. and so on. But I have no real wish for any of those things (well except maybe the holiday part), so really, it's just an excuse to find a job - and with that, an excuse to study a course that I might have no interest in.

Still, the past year or so has felt like a dream. I keep telling myself, the moment NS ends, i'll forget all there is about TMC, BMT, and everything else that came along with it. I'll just recall them as being very vivid dreams, and nothing more. Fact is, i'm still pushing people away, and I don't know why. Maybe because I keep thinking that they'll never last. I keep thinking that they're people I don't want to invest my time with because i'll have nothing to gain from them.

Such a childish and pointless thought, I know. Yet, it's a reality.

The only thing that keeps me going is training. In camp, the only part of me that's alive is the gymming and running part of myself. Training is all I live for in camp. Back home, all I do is kill time - using the computer, watching movies, playing video games. I could look at it as stress relieving, that at least i'm doing something productive.

Well, i'm almost an adult. In fact, i'm known as a young adult. Started my nursing course at 16, graduated at 20, and went into army. Here I am, I have no idea where i'm going to from here but I know that somehow, someway, God will prevent me from fucking up. I just have to keep moving forward no matter what the cost.

Similar to gymming consistently and training hard everyday, life is going to throw heavy weight plates and daunting tasks at me. I just have to overcome all of them and move forward, isn't that right?

I honestly don't know about the people who signed on. If anything, it seems like they've already given into their profession. It's like they enjoy what they're doing, God knows for what sake though. If it's money, though - bless their souls.

I know that this isn't what I have in mind for life. That's why i'm not going to continue being a nurse. Who knows, though. It's not like I hate nursing entirely. Just that when you fall down as a nurse, it hurts, really bad. Like a itch that never goes away, like eternal pain that seethes after an injury. It's a little too much for me to handle - people's lives.

The future's uncertain. That's easy to say. I hate to think about the future but sometimes, I guess we don't really have a choice. Without planning, all my ideas will just spiral down the drain. I guess thinking about it once in a while helps.

Goodbye. I'll keep this dead blog posted, because it's like a lifeline to me. Right now, this shit's going bradycardia.

Pride.

2010-07-21T22:54:00.002+08:00

'Pride isn't useless. Pride takes us to where we need to go, and beyond.' d._.b Be Free - Rikken'z.

A long time ago, I thought that pride was a worthless thing. I thought that it only served to drive humans away from each other, and for people to put each other down. I thought that without pride, humans could live in peaceful harmony because there would be no more need to compete with each other. Pride also constitutes as a mortal sin, and being catholic gives me even more reason to resent this emotion.

I know for a fact that some people enjoy showing off. Especially when they're threatened by a question that might not even aim to be provocative. Sometimes, the things people say put your mind to work, things that might mean nothing to them but a whole lot to you, and because of your lifetime of beliefs and moral values, you have to set this guy straight because he doesn't know his shit, right?

That's pride. But having pride in your beliefs isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing. It proves that you're living for a reason, even if that reason is fucked up. It beats living for nothing in any case, I should say.

I take pride in my whole being myself. How much strength I have, especially. Physically, mentally, and how much strength I have in my heart. Being strong is what it means to be human - for me. I take pride in that belief, because I believe that humans can go beyond their appointed limit, and in doing so; inspire others. I train continually each day just so I can be stronger than the me of yesterday. Just so I can continue living out my resolve - a simple, down to earth belief.

I also take pride in caring for others. Especially the sick and the wounded. I didn't become a nurse to help the system. I became a nurse to learn skills that can save people. I don't think of it as a big deal either, because these skills can be learnt by anyone. That was what I meant when I said anyone could be a nurse. Management and red tapes - that's another story, one that I will HATE to retell. I'm grateful for the skills that i've acquired during those three years, though.

Since I take pride in my strength so much, I find it hard to rely on others. Especially for matters with great personal affiliation. Things like my daily woes and disgusts, i'll keep it all to myself because I believe I have the strength to hold all of it. Even if somehow, things get out of control, all i'll need to do is stand up at the end of the day, wipe my tears away, and face tomorrow with the same robust attitude.

Pride is important. Pride makes us who we are, but too much of it, and we become consumed by our own swelled up perception of ourselves; stepping on others as we see fit.

I still find it hard to give a shit for people, but maybe if I didn't rely on my strength so much..

And my mind tells me that is weakness. I'll never concede to weakness. If I was tasked with something tremendous, I might take awhile, but i'll never run away from it. I'll finish it eventually, and that's all that matters to me. The time factor? That only helps the system, something I really shouldn't be giving two shits about.

Time to lift my head up high and face tomorrow.

Failure.

2010-07-02T21:48:00.003+08:00

'Fuck all of this. The past three years have been a waste.' d._.b What's up, people?! - Maximum the Hormone.

There are a few times in life where I feel that i've failed.

Today - is one of those times.

I've always thought of myself as a nurse, although a very shitty one with a GPA of 2.17, and that is with the help of a ace subgroup, that scored excellent marks on every module. Without them, I probably wouldn't have graduated. That's how much I suck at my job right now. I make a fucked up and shitty nurse, and I shouldn't even have graduated. In fact, being a nurse should be the last thing I want to be right now.

I know i'm wallowing in self-pity, because that's the only way all this rage and disappointment and shame can be dismissed. Don't frickin' judge me.

It's hard to believe I even succeeded my three years of nursing.

Today, I was supposed to give a lesson on resuscitation drugs. I fucked up and forgot. Right, so I never prepared for the lesson. I only had fourty five minutes to prepare all my shit, and wikipedia was all I had for 18 drugs. I needed indications and side effects and doses. I needed things expected from a nurse. I needed a plan, and the plan fell through, and I was filled with the most distasteful emotions in a long time.

My lesson flopped. I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. I bet nobody had any idea what the fuck I was talking about. Of course, the lesson was half fucked, if not fully fucked. My senior medic had to give me a lecture after everyone was dismissed because of the whole fucked thing. It was more of a heart to heart talk, but at that moment, I really couldn't hear anything. My emotions swelled up in my chest, wanting to explode in the form of tears. But I never cried. The pain kept swelling.

I just nodded and nodded at whatever he had to say. Truth be told, I didn't give a fuck about anything at that point.

The only thing that repeated in my head was that I wasn't a nurse. I needn't raise people's expectations for no reason. My diploma and the past three years was for naught. The whole thing was pointless. Tears coated my eyes and turned them red. I know, I couldn't well see myself, but I knew this emotion and feeling. Disgust. Shame. Regret. Anger.

All at once.

The fact that my mother and father convinced me that nursing was for me - the fact that I kept hanging on pointlessly. I hated myself. I hated them. I hated every damn thing that's happened to me thus far because it's all due to this false diploma. I shouldn't be a medic, I shouldn't be here, and I shouldn't be treating people.

Must I wait until someone dies in my hands before I decide to give up? I think i'll do it before that happens. I'll give up right now. Right this very moment, i'll throw all of my nursing knowledge out that window and pretend all of it never happened.

I know that I was never a good nurse. It already happened in PRCP, and it's happening again. Slow, steady repercussions knocking on my head, finding its way into my chest, and killing me from within. Like a maggot feasting off a rotting carcass.

I walked. I ran.

To somewhere where nobody saw or heard me. Where nobody could see my shameful and disgusting face, the emotions that leaked out, or any part of me. To a place where no one could judge me, to a place where only I existed. Not even God. Not even my friends, my brother, or my parents. I ran. That far I ran, and I choked so hard.

Washed my face like five times to get that stupid look off, but my eyes were still red. I washed some more. Then, screaming from within, I punched the wall. Walls aren't new, i've done it before. The pain seethes, then almost immediately disappears. I punch a few more times. The pain seems to help me refocus my depression into rage. My eyes turn a blank white again. I smile, and wash my face once more.

I walk out, and around me people could clearly see that I was hiding something. Tears, regret, probably. I'm sure they wouldn't know how to react, so I kept to myself anyway. I hated this disgust. But well, i'm sure everyone would forget anyway, besides, i'm only here for the moment. And I probably won't remember a single one of them in the future.

The pain still lingers in my chest. The pain of not even being able to perform with your profession, the pain of not being able to save someone, the pain of being looked down upon.

Disgusting. I hate these emotions. Revolting, abominable.

It would seem that my pride has been scarred. But what does it matter? Pride doesn't matter now. Seeing someone die isn't new, killing someone probably is, though. That's the ultimate deciding factor, isn't it? Having someone die at your hands. You know, if I just erased that fear... i'd be a pretty terrifying person, wouldn't I? Hehe.

No.

So what happens now?

I'm so worried, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! ::DDDD

So, will I just watch someone bleed to death while i'm in public? Probably.
Stare at someone who's clutching his chest in pain from cardiac arrest? Probably.
Smile when those people are dead? Yes.

Why? You might ask?

Because 'I'm not a nurse. Just someone who likes to help people.'.

...And I won't say how.

Now, and Then.

2010-06-26T22:02:00.002+08:00

'Some things I can't forget.' d._.b Be Free - Rikken'z.

Although i'm almost 21, I can still recall things that happened ten odd years ago. One of them is eating curry. I've always been a curry fan, since I was a kid even. My dad would cook fantastic curry at the time, and i'd always wallop all the potatoes in there. Screw chicken, i'd tell myself. Potatoes tasted better anyhow. After eating the potatoes from my small, isolated bowl, i'd take white bread and dip it in and slurp off all of the gravy. My God, that made my afternoon.

Ten years later, I still enjoy curry. Of course, I still love potatoes, but I love chicken just as much. Today, I did the same thing I did back then, and as nostalgic as it was, the curry was no longer the same. My mum cooked this pot of curry today, and my dad's cooking is... what i'd like to call - 'Makes you appreciative of army food.'. That's how bad it's gotten. Heck, his curry is just some diluted curry powder now.

Still, eating curry with bread takes me way back to the days when I had no worries. Primary School, that is. Not knowing what's happening, just going with whatever I had, that's all I did. I hardly ate in school, and when I did, it was almost always curry rice with potatoes. If not that, then the chicken rice with shredded chicken. Ahhh. The good old days. Might I add that each plate only costs a measly fifty cents!

Of course, things just change over time. We leave primary school, and pop into secondary school. What, then? We get so caught up in the world and everything around us that we no longer remember our pasts. We no longer appreciate the simple things that life gave us. At least, I knew I didn't. That was the age where I wanted to soar. I wanted to prove that I was worth something to people. Nothing else mattered but the approval of others.

Curry in secondary school wasn't so memorable. I don't remember eating any good curry then. Probably because I never appreciated it, or I could no longer remember the happy memories that came with it. It was all exams, schoolwork, and rebelling against the authority. The more you rebelled, the cooler you were - the more friends you had. True, I wouldn't call those the most lawful days of my life, but it sure was a hell lot of fun.

Poly was another piece of shit. Why? Because converting from a sixteen year old teen to an adult immediately was no easy feat. I had my first hospital attachment at seventeen, and I could hardly empathize with people the way I thought I could. It was still more of a 'Me vs the World' ideology I had. Still, there were warm days that kept me going on. Days where patients smile and thank you for your help. Even when I was a student! That felt really good - and I really mean good.

I continued my balancing of hatred and love for my job all the way throughout my poly days. Even though I had really wanted to quit, the patients that found their way into my heart kept me to my job. More so than any paying job ever would. Then came the friggin' documentation and paperwork, and I soon lost all my commitment to the job. It sucked beans. This wasn't the nursing that I knew during my past two years, this was bullshit.

Still, I graduated. I went into army, and it's been almost a year since that fateful day I enlisted. I have no idea how quickly this is going, but it feels just like yesterday that I finished BMT.

Since then, i've gained strength. More than muscular strength, but the wisdom of strength that came along with it. I began training for the day that might never come. What is that day, you might ask? It's the day that I don't want to regret not training, should it come. There's no proper way to describe such a day, just being prepared. I began filling my head with thoughts of strength, reasons to become strong. I kept training.

'You're going to protect your loved ones with THAT body?! HAH!'

Somehow, the curry now.. tastes just as delicious as back then. Perhaps this is the appreciation that I can show for the simpler things in life.

Woe.

2010-06-07T01:20:00.002+08:00

'No lies. Here's something from the depths of my heart.' d._.b Airplanes - B.o.B (Ft. Hayley Williams).

For the longest time of my life, i've forgotten how it is to be alive. Is this the curse of someone enslaved to his job? Or is it just another backlash from the lack of having someone to talk to? I really don't know, but if it is the latter, than I really am weaker than I perceived myself to be. Truth be told, I was never a strong person, not outside, not inside. Never.

I'm ashamed to ask others for help because i'm afraid to be called an irritant. I've never liked to rely on others because I know I can get the job done. There's no need for them to feel like I owe them something; unless it's a mutual gain. Mostly though, i'm afraid of my own emotions. I like to be in control of my own emotions, so much so that some of it seeps out at the wrong moments.

If I said that I never want people to read this blog, i'm lying. That's because all of us - at some point in our lives, would like people to come talk to us without us approaching them. Why is that? Because we don't want to owe people favours. Because we don't want to sound weak and uncool. That's the way i've been for the longest time. I've never talked to many people, never felt the need to, and now i'm feeling the strongest sense of loneliness a man ever could.

Then again, I lack a certain EQ, peer relations. It probably happens because of the innate buildup of independence and wanting to go solo. The lack of wanting help from peers, and lack of noticing it. Because of that, I give people the wrong impression - of someone who only accepts help but never returns it. Of someone who only makes use of others. I can't help it, but maybe if I started relying on people more, I could improve on my EQ.

Possibly, the only reason why i'm feeling less human is because I don't converse with them nearly enough. I treat everything as something temporary, a smaller goal to achieve a bigger one. Like everything now will end soon, and is not forever. I know this - because i've already forgotten my friends from secondary school and poly (save a few), and completely forgotten everyone from BMT.

Sephiroth mentioned to Cloud at the end of Advent Children something that haunted him.

'I will never remain a memory.'

I understood that, in the complete opposite. 'I'm only here for the moment', i'd always tell myself. The thing is, although I recognize people after i've not seen them for awhile, i'll pretend that I never knew them. Like everything before this was a dream, and none of my memories with that person even existed. To that extent, i'm like a computer dumping away his physical memory as soon as a task is accomplished.

The only things that will remain eternal to me are the things that I hold dearest to my heart. Family, religion, that small circle of friends.. anything else is ethereal, and diminishing.

If anyone does read this, pity me, feel sorry for me. Though, there wouldn't really be a difference, since I probably wouldn't know you'd have read this anyway. In the end, I know that 'I am my worst enemy'. And as much as I wish to fight myself, I can't. It's like attempting to punch a mirror or a reflection in the water. The only thing is to accept myself as who I am - live with the disgust that comes with it, and stop trying to be someone i'm imagining myself to be.

That, and trying not to remain a memory. In a good way.

Imbecile.

2010-05-11T20:11:00.002+08:00

'Ignorant twats.' d._.b Living Inside the Shell - Steve Conte.

Here I am, another ordinary day, another boring day. What's special about today? Nothing, really. I'm not trying to act cool or mature, there's really nothing special which happened today. 'Then what is the point of this post?' you'd ask. Good thinking. Obviously, something did happen today, but i'm not about to spill my guts and emotions over it.

All I know is that i'm a dumb NSF. All around me people are slowly starting to shift their responsibilities and i'm willingly taking shit. Well, it's not like I can do anything else, i'd tell myself. But it's gotten to some extent that I really can't give a shit myself. I guess I should start giving less of a crap of anything and everything. I sound just like an immature brat right now, but that's precisely the way everyone is acting.

I'll be honest about one thing. I can't empathize with people. When people talk about girls, all I see is another human being. When people talk about their day, I really don't know how they're feeling or what they're implying. Because of this, people perceive me as someone.. different. Sure i'm different. I'm not as ignorant of all them fools out there. But at the same time, I don't have a plan for my future. I'll probably go study some, then work some, then see what i'll do from there.

Fuck though. Fuck this shit. I'm not saying I hate NS, NS has given me more than any of these assholes probably could. It has taught me responsibility and the importance of being alive. Sure, people all tell you the same damn thing. 'NS is bullshit, it's a waste of time.' I don't see them doing anything about it. All they're doing is running away. 'Geng', what they call it.

This is my reasoning, and fuck if you can't understand or think i'm a fool. You've just been brainwashed by EVERYONE except the army. That's more pathetic than being brainwashed by the army itself.

I got to admit that some parts of the army isn't as glorified as its made out to be. But because of the apparent pessimism in Singaporeans, those 'parts' are the only parts that stand out. Nothing about brotherhood, nothing about teamwork, nothing about being human. It's as though the army is made of 100% nonsense.

There are times I miss running in my green uniform. Times that I miss wearing my helmet and putting on my SBO and boots, and trudging through the forest. Because I know that at that point of time, everyone feels and thinks the same way. A single fighting force, without any quivering or doubt. That's the kind of feeling I long for.

It's too bad though. My life is too good the way it is now, even if I were to complain about how idiotic life is here everyday, people would just mention their worst scenario in army and i'd lose straight away. I must be an idiot if I were to give up my current post. So that's what i'll do. I'll fight back, my own way. Fight with a spirit nobody has seen before because they're all ignorant.

Here's what differentiates me from everyone else. I know what it feels like to care for people and gain their utmost gratitude. I don't believe in fucking up my comrades because we're all fighting for the same thing. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same way, and because of that, there will be tears and pain. This, I promise to myself.

To balance out the bright joys that i've given people, i'll do just the opposite.

And even if people were to die, i'd show no emotion, because I cannot empathize anymore. In the end, all that matters is Me, and Myself.

Fuck y'all. Life is gonna be great from now on.

Disappear.

2010-04-26T22:58:00.003+08:00

'Who am I? I'm just here for the moment.' d._.b The Only Exception - Paramore.

I'm still alive and kicking, for those of you wondering what the heck happened to my blog posts. To be honest, i've lost all sight of what's happening in the world, all i've been doing is drawing blood from people everyday and trying to keep this medical centre of mine in function. Nothing else comes to mind. None but cosfest. Regardless, here I am, and here's this post. I assure you it won't be a pretty sight, because I don't write about pretty things.

I actually spent most of my (home) time today watching videos from Persona 4, in an attempt to understand my character more since I might be cosplaying him this year. It would appear I got more attached to it than i'd like. If anything, it invokes another 'Man why isn't my life like that' emotion, followed by laments that this is my life instead, and it'll never change. Thing is, I can't change the way I was born and the initial stages of my life, so here I am - the same old reserved idiot.

As of late, i've not given a crap about anyone. All i've focused on is myself, and me. Which leads me to wonder if i've ever given a crap about anyone - and if it make a difference even if I did. I don't know, I can't remember my past that well. I can't even remember my polytechnic days. If anything, my life so far has been a dream after a dream, neverending. After one dream comes another immediately, so quickly I haven't the time to ponder about the previous one.

I don't have any memories of anyone anymore. Sure, there's vague descriptions of secondary school, and poly days, but I can't remember what kept me and any of the other guys so close. I can't find a reason - and that's why i'm afraid. Afraid that in the future, i'll forget everyone and everything, and live my life a hollow shell, the very thing that I was trying to avoid from the beginning.

I could swell up my pride and say that nothing - no one matters. I could say that it's alright if I died alone somewhere and nobody knew, because nobody remembered. Thing is, i'll probably die crying my tears out into the ground, because I never showed anyone my true face, no one but myself. That same screaming; fearful and embarassed face that only i've known.

Who are you? Does it matter? Why do I need to know you? Aren't you just here for the moment? Just like me? Will I remember you as the time goes by?

...I doubt it. I might as well remain a memory, and fade as the time goes by.

If anything, i'm like that very first toy that a kid gets, and he gets all excited and starts playing with it. Over time, he starts to lose interest in it, and as he gets bigger - better toys, he forgets about it and puts it in his aptly named 'toy box'. I'm not the only one who's tossed in here. Covered by piles and piles of the other toys that he's abandoned, we wonder if we are even remembered, or if we even existed.

I find my true self revolting. What's the point of trying to help every single damn person out there? It's not like they're going to remember or give a shit. I'd rather much remain a part of the background, the kind of person that people overlook in trains. The same old, mundane kind of person that exists everywhere.

But here is a post, a post that makes an attempt at being human. A post that disregards this mask that I put on every single day and strives to prove that i'm more than this mundane, ordinary person. A post that hopefully, can shoulder some of this pain that i'm carrying with me. This worthless pain that i'm causing myself; all because of a stubborn belief.

If I went ten years from now, would I still remember the people from my past?

If I suddenly disappeared, would it matter?

These are questions left over from my childhood. Questions that i've never answered and buried so deep in an attempt to grow up. Questions that i've pretended never bothered me because they're a waste of time. People, what are they like? I can't seem to trust anyone anymore. Everything feels like a resolute dream destined to end.

I don't know what people's opinions of me are, and i've never thought they mattered. I've gotten this far.. this far with no one but my brother and myself. It's like no one else matters.

Still, there is a longing within. A longing to find someone who I can share my life with just as well as my brother. I might never find that person, however.

'I want a heart of flesh.' I once told myself.

Right now, I think that's a worthless artifact. I can no longer empathize with people. My emotions are not as sensitive as they once were. My nerves deadened with mistrust and self reliance.

I don't need this. All of this weakness. I need to get stronger, stronger so that people will realise that i'm here. Stronger so that people.. will recognize me despite my mask. Until then, cry silently. Cry until your tears go dry, until your throat goes hoarse. Nobody will see you, nobody will know.. this weakness.

I will remain a memory, the swirling sands on the surface of the desert. Never existing, never been.

Faith.

2010-03-09T20:16:00.002+08:00

'Living in seclusion; the mind derives.' d._.b Jesus Christ - Hyde.

A long time ago, a friend of mine asked me a question. It was the kind of questions that people without faith would be afraid to answer, because they wouldn't know how. It was the kind of question that provoked your mind so much, you didn't want to think of the answer. Of course, this is pertaining to the fact that I am catholic, and I don't promote my faith, for that matter (because I know jack about it).

He asked me this, in almost exact quotation.

'Do you love your parents or your God more?'

As much as I felt provoked by the question, I figured it was something I had to answer. Somehow, I just had the answer within myself, and I said it in as much a political correct way as I possibly could.

This is what I told him.

'I love my God very much.' (and I recollected many memories after I said that)

'I know He's the one who saved me. He's the one who laid down His entire being for the sake of humanity. He's the one who died after being persecuted by people who didn't believe Him. The only God who I know, in all religions that i've known, whom laid down His life for the sake of His people.'

'But.. I love my parents too. My parents are the ones who've taken me to where I am now. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am. Without them, I wouldn't know my values, I wouldn't have my beliefs. I wouldn't know who I am. At the very least, they're there when I need them. They've inspired me so much.'

'If you're telling me to compare the two.. the fact is I cannot. Because I love them in so different ways, it's difficult to explain. It's hard even for myself to comprehend. I'm sure my parents would want me to love God more, but they can never know that that's a task which is impossible. I can never answer the question directly, because it's almost irrelevant. Like comparing an orange to an apple..'

Well, he accepted the answer as it was. Though, I never did find out if he wanted a proper answer.

From birth, I was taught the ways of my religion. I was taught about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I was taught that he was born in a cave, I was taught that he inspired many people along his way with his works of mercy. I was also taught that in the end, he was crucified because he was different. But he proved them all wrong. He proved that God did exist.

That's Jesus for me. One damn leet fellow.

That's not all I learnt, though.

I'm sure everyone knows there's something called the 'Ten Commandments'. Anything that deals with us going against it is known as a 'sin'. More so, a 'mortal sin'. 'Sins' land man in hell, a place where God puts the most *evil* of people. God knows what the heck *evil* really means, literally.

Ever since that, i've always thought there was a correct way of living life. A way that was devoid of going against that stone tablet. I always thought that there was a standard, concrete way of doing things because of that stone tablet, but it turns out I was wrong. Humans have managed to complicate things so fully, that I no longer know what's right or wrong.

Of course, there's still a fine line between doing the right things and the wrong things. It's really fine, but the line's still there. And whenever I think of doing something bad, somehow I know at the back of my head that it's wrong. This is a result of my upbringing. I can't even bring myself to litter in public.

Apparently, there's no right way to live life. That was when I thought that my faith was absurd, because it didn't provide any form of guidance for me anymore. All it did was confuse me. Then, I realised that the very basis of my faith had already been implanted in myself. The very fact that I owe someone up there a very big favour, one that I can never repay in my lifetime.

Because of that favour, I decided to become a nurse.

Because of that favour, I don't think it's a waste of time being in the healthcare business.

You see, even though I amazingly fail at being a nurse, I made a promise. A promise to myself, one that if I broke, I would lose all my meaning and belief. That's how big my promise is. And as stupid as it sounds, my promise is to save as many people as possible in my lifetime.

I don't know how i'm going to achieve it, but I know that it's a promise I made to myself, and it's a favour that I owe someone.

That's my life, at least for now.

Outlook.

2010-02-22T22:01:00.003+08:00

'Perception of situation.' d._.b Passion's Killing Floor - HIM.

A few years back, I had this thing called cathecism. It was 'church class', to put it in simple terms. I never understood the use of it then, and i've never understood the use for it now. Thing is, most of us never even put our hearts into cathecism because it was an hour-long boring and tedious class. So, we all just attended class, left and forgot about it.

I learnt something from cathecism though. The last words that my teacher gave to all of us was something quite simple, yet something that nobody thinks of.

'A problem is only as big as you make it out to be.'

Since then, i've never thought of anything as catastrophic. Heck, the bottom line is if an incident isn't equivalent to a human life, it's not that important. That's the ultimate bottom line we can all think of.

In my opinion, i've done loads of stupid shit over the years. Three years of nursing plus seven months of army, there's a whole lot of things I could have done right if I was more focused and more inquisitive. Probably, i've done so many wrong things in work processes that i'm considered a screw-up. I can't multitask, I suck at whatever i'm doing, and i'm just not there when i'm working.

Days like those get me down. Makes me wonder if I can ever do anything right in my life. Now, having people recognize me as a nurse is a disgrace. If it was possible i'd rather much take another course back in those three years.

Then, i'd think of the words that my teacher gave to all of us in cathecism class, and I realise that this is just a stepping stone. In life, as long as we don't stop walking, we'll all eventually end up somewhere. We have no idea where, but we'll end up somewhere. It might be pleasant, or it might not. But hey, we'll keep walking from there too, and it's a never ending cycle.

I've never thought of anything as a problem. Maybe that's why I can't emphasize with people sometimes, and at other times i'm nonchalant against things I should be giving a shit about. My only mental awareness comes from within, and it focuses on myself, and nothing else. If anything topples the emotional stability of my mind, it'll probably activate this shield to give me a smile at the end of the day.

In the end, perceptions are all that matter. Some people call it running, but I call it rationalizing. You can't always blame yourself in life, because i'm that kind of person, and I realised that it's not easy taking the blame for everything. Heck, if you can avoid being shot at, why not? At the end of the day, all people care about is results. It doesn't matter how hard you work, or how much you sacrifice to get there.

So, if that's the case, then we shouldn't worry too much about our work and keep moving forward. Of course, it's good to reflect back once in awhile because that's where we'll learn our mistakes from. But a little too much and it becomes a hole sucking in on itself. You'll start to doubt your competency and that will just destroy you further.

As long as we don't stop walking, we'll get there someday. Don't matter how slow.

Kids.

2010-02-02T22:54:00.002+08:00

'Boogieman under your bed.' d._.b Kids - MGMT.

Do you remember times from when you were younger? I only remember one scene from when I was five to seven, and a few more after that. I know that as a child, I was especially afraid of adults, I wasn't the social kind of child like some kids. If I could, i'd run and hide behind my mother whenever I had the chance to.

At night, my father would sleep beside me because I was afraid of the dark, and when he left I felt unsafe being alone. Even the swaying shadows of the trees cast from outside the windows seemed like claws wanting to grab at me.

I was easily content and happy. All it took was a new videogame or a new toy to make me a good boy for a day or two. Of course, we all know materialistic pleasure don't last all that long. Heck, I was happy with whatever I got anyway. As a kid, I always wanted more than I got, but I know my mother would never spoil me on toys. That made me hate her a little, a petty and selfish action..

After watching cartoons, I would never imagine myself being the hero. I would rather much be a supporting character or a sidekick of the hero himself. I have no idea why, maybe because I don't want to be in the action all the time. I like to kick back and have less responsibility. Even while playing videogames, I would always be player two.

I have no idea if those events in my life made any impact on my current self now. I know i'm a messed up fellow, I can't socialize at times, and deep down I really just want to get my life over with. People always ask themselves what they'll do after army. I too, have been asking myself the same question, and all that's in my head is working till I get old and die peacefully.

I've been thinking of learning something new just to keep myself more pre-occupied with life, either a form of combat or some musical apitude, the two most common things over here. Either that or something more useful like a driving license.. I haven't really decided though.

Comparing to myself as a child, i'm no longer afraid to be alone, especially if I can afford to be. I'm no longer as easily satiable as before.. since i'm bored with every single thing out there. My imagination is starting to have its limits, as everything has to make sense all of a sudden - the sky is always up while the land is always down.

If anything, i'm starting to become doomed to my current mindset. Once it sets in and i'm an adult, it'll be even more difficult to change. In that sense, I really hope that I can change and be more open to people. Not that I can't make do without them, but it will be more fun with people around, regardless of their true intentions. I'm probably shielding myself so much I can't even see their faces.

'Where am I?' I'd ask myself.
I can only see a vague imagery of my mother walking in front, her familiar footsteps making noises as she went. My small footsteps do little for me, and it feels like something is pulling me back. I realise that the ground is shifting backwards, but I keep running. Not because I want to reach her, but because I am afraid. I begin sweating and my heart starts beating rapidly.

The sky turns to darkness and the clawed hands of dry trees begin clawing at me from the sides. The crisp sound of dead leaves on the ground resonate as I keep running. That was the only thing in my head then - running. I see familiar faces but I don't trust them, I only trust her. Spiderwebs begin grabbing at my shins, and the cold wind begins blowing against me.

Even the buildings look at me with antagonism. I close my eyes and continue running forward. Then the ground begins to crack and I fall, and I never stopped falling.

Is that even possible? To never stop falling? I imagined a fall as having a quick tumble to the ground, and at most having scraped knees..

The darkness begins to surround me, I have no idea where I am.
...Not like I knew where I was to begin with.

As I grew, bits and pieces of the darkness broke away.. until I freed myself. But in doing so, I realised that I hadn't been freed at all. The darkness had become part of myself.

"If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Mark Twain.

Blood Ties.

2010-01-25T22:13:00.002+08:00

'So this is what they call a heartwarming family reunion, eh?' - Dante, DMC3.
d._.b With A Spirit - Sound System 009.

Before I start on my intended post, I would like to tell you readers another story.

I once had a friend who had great aspirations, and well, I guess I liked hanging out with him because he was so passionate about his dreams and goals. Even if it seemed like an impossible task to everyone, he still believed in it. He never told me the reason behind his resolute belief in himself, even when I asked him. I guess that's something that I liked about him so much that in retrospection, I had wished for that as well. I wanted to have that sheer level of determination.

Well, let's just say that's really not the intended story.

You see, this particular fellow has two younger siblings, and it would be an understatement to say that he cares for them. In fact, there was this one time when we were walking through this 'pasar malam' (night market) and he bought cotton candy, specifically two. He said that his siblings, especially his younger sister loved cotton candy. I'd probably never understand, but it's probably a kind of memory that would flood your mind the moment you get a glimpse of it. Some event that involved cotton candy in his past.

Cotton candy. Hmm. Like a puff of cloud that never rains, and shields you from the blinding sun.

I have an elder brother too. Well actually, i'm the youngest in the family, and so i've never really had an idea of what it would be like to have younger siblings. Probably a whole lot more responsibility, a whole lot more of being a role model.. I really don't know. I'm just guessing at probable answers that I don't even understand fully. The thing is, that action of my friend helped me understand a little bit more of my big brother.

In times of turmoil and unrest for my mind, my brother is the only opening to the world I have. Not my friends, not my parents. My brother is almost like a mirror image of myself. Sometimes, even before I can finish explaining my situation, he already understands, and in return gives me a solution that's correct in so many ways he's like some upgraded Mark 2 version of myself or something.

Not only that, he has a heart of gold. I remember him telling me that he remembered taking money from a church donation tin in the past. Heck, I don't even remember. But then, he continued by saying maybe that's why he gives $50 to the church at offertory sometimes. Really, this guy is either insane or he has something greater for himself in mind.

He's the one who came up with the theory of money being just paper. And if you're festering over whether to spend money or not, that's the theory that comes into play. Sometimes, to have fun, you need to just relax. Hell, if you can't let go of your cash, he'll offer to pay for you. That's how crazy of a person he is. But, well.. I wouldn't really call him crazy. Who would be crazy.. or kind enough to do that in the current world?

Once he treats you, he'll never ask for his money back. He's always saying that he has money on the room table and I can take it whenever I want. He doesn't give a flying fish about it.

I couldn't have asked for a better brother. Although we quarrelled alot in the past, and even fought over food and toys, we've come a long way from being petty idiots. We've realised that we're worth that much more to each other than just a sibling acknowledgement. That's how much I value my own brother, and that's why I respect all elder brothers who take care of their younger siblings.

No matter his level of stress, he'll always make time for me and his own friends. He's a little crazy, but that's what keeps him close to everyone. I don't think anyone would want him any other way.

So, my dear friend out there, thank you for helping me realise how important blood ties really are. Fact is, I know many people still squabble among their family members. But think about it, you popped out from the same place, and you have the same blood. No one else would understand you better than them, no matter how much you've seen or felt in life.

Love begins in the family. Without a solid foundation of love, you cannot hope to love anyone else. That is what I believe, and this is my way of life.

Love-Filled Biscuit.

2010-01-21T22:19:00.002+08:00

'The world is.. translucent.' d._.b Waltz - Suneohair.

A long time ago when I was still a medic trainee..

My bunkmates had a habit of bringing food to camp, not that I minded, I mean, I always got a small bite or two of whatever they brought in. Especially Oreo, my god there was always at least one tube of Oreo in the bunk. I ate so much of those, even my 'One isn't going to hurt' theory became obsolete. You see, apart from Oero, we had instant noodles, potato chips, even more biscuits, sweets..

Heck, it was something of a snack haven. There was once a rumor spreading around that we weren't allowed to bring food in camp, and my bunkmate jokingly told me that if his cupboard were to be raided he'd be in DB for life. I took a look at his cupboard and well, I think he was talking quite a bit of sense. The fellow's cupboard looked like some kind of treasure trove for a sugar-addicted kid.

Well, enough about that.

There was one time though, that one time, he brought in a tupperware filled with biscuits, supposedly home made. They were, of course. And after I talked with him a little bit, he told me that his ex made those biscuits for him, and he really enjoyed the way they tasted. Looking at his joyful face made me a little perplexed. Of course, i'm another crazy bastard who never understood females or love, so this got me particularly interested.

'Hey, let me try one of them biscuits.'
'What? No! These are special!'
'Aw, c'mon..'

So, I managed to coax him to finally let me have a small bit of it (the stingy bastard), and I took a good look at it before I ate it. It looked and smelled like a butter biscuit, but with cornflake crumbs in between. The kind that went 'crunch!' the moment you sank your teeth into it, no matter how little you bit. So, I took that small bit of biscuit and chucked it into my mouth.

Now, this may sound entirely bizarre, but I felt something in those biscuits. The moment that biscuit touched my tongue, it started tasting different from what I perceived it to taste like. It's like all of the emotion and effort spent into making that biscuit bursted all at once into my mouth, and my tongue had sent at that moment an impulse to my brain so strong it jolted my eyelids open for a second. Then, as I started chewing, I finally understood why he never let anyone of us eat 'his' biscuits.

In fact, I think I was the only one who ate out of that tupperware. That only single small piece of biscuit. And I was grateful to him for that, even though I never physically showed him any form of gratefulness. It tasted more than a biscuit, that's for sure, and although he may never know, he just taught a stupid hobo a little something about love.

If anything, I think biscuits are just a small expression of love that translates into a gigantic fountain of colours. Something that is filled with tons of emotions, reflecting the spirits and hearts of many.

I had no idea why I decided to make this post either. I just thought.. that maybe I still had a glimmer of hope for something I thought never truly existed.

Scraping the Past.

2010-01-13T21:29:00.003+08:00

'Why? I don't know.' d._.b THE REAL FOLK BLUES - Mai Yamane with SEATBELTS.

No matter how long i've lived, how far i've come, the people around me always ask me the same aged question.

'Why did you choose nursing as a profession?'

I don't know why, maybe it's because i'm a guy with a deep husky voice, or maybe because I don't look like the kind of person suited for the job. They typically wouldn't question female nurses with the same question. At least - not with as much inquisition and curiosity when they ask males. Well, whatever the case..

I typically give stupid answers to the above mentioned question. Things like 'My mother's a nurse' or 'It's a job with an iron rice bowl' or 'It's a personal reason'. Basically because, well, I don't have a real awe-inspiring answer that will knock you off your shoes when you hear it. That, and I don't have a real reason for studying nursing at all.

You see - believe it or not, I joined nursing on impulse.

One week before we had to submit our choices for our courses after that O level period, I met up with Jona, an old friend of mine to discuss our future at a library. He generally couldn't go anywhere feasible with his current results (he retook the exams a year later), so we picked nursing. That was the spark to making my final decision on the course I wanted.

I wouldn't say it was a smooth transition, though. I disliked my course from the beginning all the way till it was mid-course. That's one and a half years. I even contemplated dropping out but my parents kind of 'forced' me to stay in the course anyway. So there I was hating my life and my path of study, all the way until I made some friends. But that's another story.

You see, I was never a person who had a long attention span. I never had proper discipline, and I only did things that allowed me to benefit in the process. That said, I can't focus on something too long unless it intrigues me, in which case I go all out. This leads to a dead passion, and a person who can never find what he truly wants to do.

None of the courses in polytechnic really offered me what I wanted. Which was essentially nothing. I can go on and rant about how much I hated my course but the truth is I really didn't want to go anywhere else. Not even design or IT - two of my greatest interests then.

I did find a reason though. I did find that reason to help me push onward to the very end despite my attention span being a silver line - very close to nothingness.

During one of my lessons, a lecturer mentioned:

'You know, some people find solace within themselves when they help others. Some people find that in order to feel that warmth within themselves, they have to help other people.'

And honestly, with all my heart, I believed in what she said. I believed that with passion and love for others, I could redeem my own heart. I'd feel more like a human, a person who lives through others by helping them. In that sense, i'm helping people for my own benefit - a need to be recognized and identified. That was what I needed from the beginning, not an iron rice bowl, nor skills to help me save the world. I just needed some encouragement from people who saw me as something worthwhile.

However sadly, even gratefulness starts becoming worthless after awhile. I realised that I could no longer rely on people's graces to live. I didn't need their thanks to survive, I didn't need their recognition. That was when I realised I wouldn't make a good nurse, but then, I was already at the end. I finished my course and didn't have an answer at the end either. The answer I found.. that helped push me to the end, was never real at all. Maybe it is, but it is no longer a driving factor.

I still don't know what drives me. I still don't have an interest. If anything, i'm trying to discover what's innate within me by trying out new things.

One thing's for sure though, I know God put me through that course for a reason. Even if it didn't serve to help me with my emotions, it granted me a set of skills that will be lifelong, scars into my hands for as long as I am alive - and I know that I have to use these skills no matter what to earn my living.

A long story, yes? Or maybe not.

Maybe it's just another dream like everyday. The only thing that's real is the endless cloud that's floating away slowly.

Mundane.

2010-01-10T21:22:00.002+08:00

'I've achieved so little.' d._.b Eternity - Robbie Williams.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but i'm already a six month soldier. That's coming a long way from back then, when I didn't even know how to tie my bootlaces. Looking back at it though, i've already taken six months to finalize my vocation training - and it's somewhat similar to life itself. By the time we actually get done with our studies, how old are we? We'd be in our late twenties. More than halfway through our peak of life.

Then, all I can do is lament and look at my life all the way until now, and I realize that it hasn't changed much. All this while i've been focusing on army that I haven't thought much about my life. My current plan is still to sign on to SCDF, become a paramedic. But i've heard that it's quite a stagnant path for paramedics to follow - the ending point a little sooner than i'd like.

But if not that - then what? It's not like I have a whole lot of choices. I don't wish to pursue nursing because I know I can never cope with it in Singapore. Overseas; maybe. But definitely not here. Over here, you do too much crap and get too little in return. You're either wholly devoted to your work or you get reprimanded. I don't wish to be commited to something that isn't worth it.

In my whole life, i've never really had interest in anything. Simple things grasp my attention the most, because I believe that they're more than they look. Complex things - new video games, consoles, expensive devices.. not so much. I use things for their basic function, and i'm happy enough with that. If so, then what do I really want in life? It's not like i'm aiming for anything.

I could stick to my original goal of saving as many people as I possibly can. But i'm afraid that like all other things, i'll lose interest in that too.

Ultimately, I just wish to do the best I can in whatever I wish to learn. But with my bad attention span, how can I hope to achieve that? I really don't know. I'm starting to lose all of my devotion as well..

Maybe I can't do this on my own. Maybe I need people around me to cheer me on more - but that all sounds too pathetic to admit, even inside my head. Maybe, just maybe. Who knows anyway.

All I know is, from here on end, i'll have to keep my head up, and i'll have to keep walking. All I know is if I stop, i'm screwed. What i'm walking for - who i'm walking with, it doesn't matter. All I need to do is keep walking, and keep focused.

My destiny; I really don't know what it is. But I do hope that on my way there, I can inspire people, even if I can't inspire myself. At the least, I can create a psuedo self for people to believe in.

*Clench your fists tightly, and look forward to the horizon, the neverending journey that is ahead. Walk headstrong towards it, and never waver in your steps. After you reach it, you can start thinking - but none before that. You have much more important tasks to do than to think.*

Anew.

2009-12-31T23:04:00.003+08:00

'A quick reflection.' d._.b Never Say Never - The Fray.

2009. A year that passed by so quickly i've never really noticed it go. I spent like the first five months killing my life on the computer because I thought i'd never be able to do it ever again - but it appears I was wrong. All that time could've been used to gain something useful; like a driving license or some musical apitude. Since then, i've never wanted to waste any more time. At least, not time other than de-stressing on the computer. Not any more than that.

One of the biggest milestones of my life this year is of course serving my nation. The army serves as one of the biggest points in each male's life in Singapore. At least, it does to me. Discipline, regimentation, all the push ups i've done so far.. Made me realise that i've yet to see the other side of the world; and now i'm exposed to it so much it's a little hard to cope with all the social aspects.

I still remember my first time holding a rifle.

It was four in the morning, our officers and sergeants stormed the bunk and shouted at all of us to wake up. We had to change into our uniforms and fall in downstairs as quick as we could. Of course, we weren't that quick, so we had to hold ourselves in push up position as we changed into our uniforms and wore our boots. After that we had to run downstairs, draw our rifles and prepare for a four kilometre route march. We were all still bogged out from the rude awakening then.

After that, they assembled all of us, like three or four companies together, and they had us stand neatly in rows, and in front of us - numerous rifles. Then, they presented it to us. I've never held a gun (or rifle for that matter) before, and suddenly it felt like i've been handed a great power. And with a familiar saying - 'With great power, comes great responsibility.'

I didn't understand the latter part though. At least, not as well as I thought I did. I know i'd never point it at someone and use it like a toy, because its much more than that. But that much I understood, and nothing more.

After field camp, I learnt the importance of NS and the whole idea behind the rifle. More than anything, it was used to protect the people whom we love so much. Nothing else mattered, because that was the whole purpose of army to begin with.

I still feel a certain sense of discontentment when people mention their army life, because they label it a waste of time. But I feel that without it, I wouldn't have known how much I could take as a human being - and how much the people I loved really mattered to me. All of that, plus the army antics.

It's true though, some people look at ranks as signs of authority, rather than signs of respect. I don't really understand the hierachy or rank system, but I know that we're all being led by someone.

I've had a pretty good army life so far. Trained hard when the time came, rested well when the time came. My BMT has taught me so much more than anything else in my life ever could, and i've taken it with me this far. And I know that i'll go even further with it in my heart and head.

I won't say i'm a patriotic fellow, because if my family, my friends weren't here, I might not willingly give my life for my country. Because what the army has instilled in me, is a sense of belonging, a sense of belonging to my family and friends, and the fact that we cannot let our safety be taken for granted. I've never thought of fighting for anyone else, and I probably never will.

Still, i've learnt a great deal.

I really hope that people change their mindsets about army in general, because its so much more than a 'kena fucked' place - as long as you have the correct mindset. Just keep thinking of home, your friends, your beliefs, and it'll all come to light. Eventually.

True, army might be a time waster, two years can be spent to earn a degree and get a decent job, but anything that teaches you a life lesson is never a waste of time. That much keeps me going.

I'm a six month soldier come January, and i'm one of those people who appreciate and somewhat enjoy army. So if you're wondering how was my 2009, i'd say it was awesome.

Conviction.

2009-12-20T18:51:00.002+08:00

'My destiny..' d._.b Yellow - Coldplay.

I'm a naval medic. Well, not yet, but i'm on my way there, and as long as I don't screw up any tests or go out of conduct, I should get there. Thankfully though, this coming week's only four and a half days long - which reminds me, Christmas is coming! Regardless, training here is a little bit more regimental than SMTI, but that's to be expected. I'm a soldier afterall, there's no argument with that.

Being a medic in the armed forces constantly reminds me of my future plans, especially since its very much related. Like I can't run away from my fate, my ultimate journey's end. I originally thought that two years of army - although a hindrance to some extent - would be a good time for me to take a break from life. A life that i've fought so hard to keep in control of, one that i've constantly tried to keep in balance. Training, gaming, looking at toys.. all my escapist functions all start flowing back in. Things that I can never live without.

I thought army would be a good time to relax and take time off my whole 'save and help as many people as I can' mindset. But it seems that army constantly reminds me of that goal anyway, even if at a less impactful manner. Yes, my goal in life is to get a paramedic level five, and perhaps invest all of my livelihood into emergency aid. I feel a calling towards this pathway, and even though parts of myself are telling me the many difficulties that I may encounter along the way, its something I feel that I must go and accomplish.

But until then - what? I really don't know, my life nowadays is rather simple. I won't say that i'm always busy, but I am a lazy fellow who hates to leave the house because i'm only home twice a day a week. All I do is come home, game a little, go dig around in facebook to see what everyone is doing, and surf on a forum which I have no idea why.. and that's all I ever do on the computer. Otherwise, i'll go out with my brother, looking at bags or clothes outside.

I've almost lost all contact with my friends, and although I no longer want to remain a memory to people, I can't help thinking that i've already left everyone behind. If I can find the heart to forgive myself for my selfishness and laziness, maybe i'll finally contact someone and go hang out with them. Until then.. I guess i'm stuck here, in this room, immersed with toys, a PS2, and a computer that someone gave to me a long time ago.

Oh yeah, although Christmas is coming, my brother emphasized a point to me that my parish priest has been preaching about for the past month or so.

I hadn't noticed it before, but whenever year end comes along, there starts to be an abundance of sales everywhere, and although we cannot help it, we'll feel a tendency to buy gifts for others. I don't know, it may be an action of entire goodwill, but as of late, it seems more like the merchants are abusing Christmas and other festive events to make some money. Christmas is afterall, our saviour's birthday.

So the priest told us this - what if it was your birthday, and you invited loads of people, and they went around exchanging gifts with each other and no one gave you anything? To me, it sounded really messed up, but I understood his point. I suppose it is alright to exchange gifts, but we shouldn't forget the true spirit of Christmas. The fact that Jesus was born on that day, the fact that our saviour was given to us on that day.

Christmas is not merely a festive occasion. It's an occasion to renew your vows with God, or your family and friends, people whom you've not seen for quite sometime, people whom you feel a need to reconcile with. It's more than just a repetitive festival each year where we go around setting up Christmas trees and wrapping presents and exchanging them with people. This simple, blalant exercise undermines the importance of Christmas - the fact that it can be used to renew bonds between people, and create new ones as well.

Yet, as much as I say all of this, it is the way of the world that I am fighting against, and there is no way that I can possibly change the mindsets of everyone. The only thing is, well. I just pray and hope that people don't regard Christmas as a holiday, because it is much more than that. It will take more than my heart and soul to explain the very basics of it all, because it is that much of a day.

Well, I don't have much else to write about. But I do hope that everyone enjoys their Christmas. I know I will - at grandma's place, where i'll see my extended family from my mother's side.

Red Crossed SOLDIER.

2009-12-11T18:19:00.002+08:00

'I am a Medic of the Singapore Armed Forces.' d._.b I'll Be Your Home - Rin Oikawa.

Today is POP day. Today is the day that I am deemed a medic, an Emergency Medical Technician of the first batch. We have come a long way from just learning level one paramedic protocols and treatment to level two, even more protocols. Unfortunately; there is always a sad phase in passing out. This also means that we leave behind all our memories of this place, all our sad and happy memories altogether.

I can honestly say that i've had much more fun here than in BMT. How so? Best platoon, of course. These fellows are extremely cohesive, extremely fun to be with. Its too bad, though. Like everything and everyone else, all of it will become a memory to fawn upon as we get older. I have learned something though, gained something to bring with me as life goes on.

This Red Cross is a heavy responsibility. It may look like a simple armband, but it bears a heavy weight. Not only do we have to ensure the safety of everyone who we're assigned to look after, we also have to take up leadership against people with seniority. When the situation dims, all we'll have is our memories of our instructors teaching us - their voices echoing the very PAM model that we learnt.

As much as it is a burden, it is also a gift. A gift of life, that we might be able to give our fellow comrades as they fall in battle. A gift of morale that supplements the fighting spirit of each soldier in the front. It is as though God himself has lent his hands to our cause.

I am proud to be a medic. Bloody Proud. Others might find their vocation a tad pain in the ass, but not I. I've focused and concentrated on my journey all this way, and i'm not giving up. I'm going even further, this time venturing out to the seas.

Yes, I have been accepted into the Naval Medical Services.

But, I regress. Amidst the spinning fan on my bunk ceiling and the swaying trees outside, I am reminded of my three months spent in SMTI. I really treasure this place, because it has given me quite a bit. The time that i've spent with all my bunk mates, the pains that we've gone through, all the disagreements and arguments..

In the end, all of us made it. I doubt i'll remember anyone from the days to come, but I know, I know i'll keep smiling as I go on. Thank you, because, all of you have taught me to smile once again.

My journey, my journey as a medic, as a soldier in the SAF has just begun. It's been six months already. I'll miss everyone, and everything. And i'll never forget these memories.

And i'll never choose to remain a memory anymore.

'You guys go 'Seek, Save, Serve..'' - SGT Timothy marches 3 steps forward, followed by a bang.
'Then you punch out your fist, and you say 'So They May Live'.' He continues.

I've never forgotten my first morning in SMTI, because that is where I first learnt that my responsibility as a medic is a heavy one. And with that, I bid you farewell SMTI.

Fog.

2009-12-02T19:06:00.002+08:00

'Searching for nothing.' d._.b Fugainaiya - YUKI.

Who am I?

I've touched on this topic so much, i'm sick of it. I don't even want to think about it. I know who I am, but why do I detest myself so much? I don't understand, and that is why this post is here. Hopefully, after typing out all this discord, i'll be able to release some of my tension.

Today, I was woken abruptly by some people talking loudly in the bunk. Now, there're a few things that I get really moody about. One of them is when i'm interrupted when i'm listening to music (ie to say; I don't want to talk), and the other is when i'm woken from my sleep for stupid reasons. Because of the inconsiderate bastards today, I was extremely moody.

Also, yesterday, a person attempted to put thoughts into my head. Thoughts about who I ought to be. I don't need to be told who I am, and I really wanted to give him a good one - but we all know that's illegal. All I can do is suck it up and listen to him try to intimidate me, and I finally ended it by smiling at him and saying i'm not angry. Though the smile was obviously fake, and he knew I was being sarcastic about being happy.

In all honesty, I have no real way of venting out my emotions. All I have is this computer, video games, and perhaps a book or two. Oh, and my brother. But I never really get to release all my anger, depression and distraught. And if what i've read is true, i'm a person who's not really confident of himself, especially when getting others to trust him. In that sense, i've given up on finding myself more friends, and i'm just sitting on the fence waiting for time to pass by on my own.

I can be slightly pathetic here by saying that I need friends to pass the time by, but the truth remains that I don't. I already have good friends, friends who I know i'll never forget. But thinking to myself, if all these people were to disappear, would I make any more friends out there? I doubt so. All i'll have are my colleagues, and that's it.

What I really need now is peace. A kind of peace that sets your mind at ease. No more thinking, no more dissonance, no more wasting of my brain's resources. Because I know nobody can solve this problem except me, because I know that this is my battle. I know that I can do this, or I think that I know..

I've never understood a whole lot of things. In fact, I probably never want to, because it'll take too much time. I'd much rather dream my life away until nothing exists, until there's nothing but a ringing sound in my head, and everything else stops. For now, I really wish for that. I really wish that God can remove my brain, squeeze it dry, and devoid it of all my current thoughts.

Who am I?

I am afraid. I am unsure. I am pretending. I am nobody.

I fear nothing of the outside, because what's inside is already a bloody mess. Like hell opened up a portal and demons and souls run loose. I'm thinking so much I can feel my head throb, I can feel its weight, and it is slowing me down.

Fuck, I don't even know what to make of this post. It's so pathetic, I feel hopeless when I write it myself. Is this what's really happening to me..?

If so, i'm not really human at all. Humans can control their minds, not the other way around. I need to stop surrounding myself with idiots.

Denial.

2009-11-21T01:42:00.003+08:00

'Amidst all the confusion.' d._.b I'll Be Your Home - Rin Oikawa.

Something interesting happened today, or rather something unusual. It made me wonder who I am, and who i'm supposed to be, and who i'm not.

I was on the way home on a bus, and I tapped my card and walked in a little, enough not to squeeze with all the other people. There was a peculiar fellow sitting in front of me, I didn't know why I noticed him either, maybe because he had a roll of masking tape on his hand; and his shoes were taped too, i'd assume he has no money to buy new shoes. This fellow I would assume is only in his late teens; from his look.

So I have my earpieces on, and i'm disconnected from the world while i'm listening to music. This dude suddenly panicks and says something to me. Of course, I can't hear him and I have to remove one side of my earpieces. He then asks me what bus we were on. I told him, and he freaked. The only thing he said then was 'i'm on the wrong bus'. Okay, I put on my earpiece and begin stoning off again.

All the while, this fellow is figety and talking to himself; and I am getting furious by the moment. Then, he looks at me again and says something. Of course, I cannot hear him again, and I have to remove my earpiece. 'I'm on the wrong bus', he says. God help this fellow, it's not like you can ever get lost in this country. Being as rational as I possibly can, without flipping out, I reply;

'Get off the bus then.'

After that I moved to the back of the bus. I don't know what happened to the fellow, nor do I particularly care for that matter. All I know is that my mindset has changed so much, I don't even know or remember who I am anymore.

A long time ago, I was afraid of getting lost. My parents would sometimes be late while fetching me from school, and I would stand there, alone, watching as the other kids go home one by one, their parents smiling as they came along. Worst still if it were raining, because I know then I couldn't go home even if I wanted to. Compared to my other schoolmates, whose parents flooded the canteen with coloured umbrellas.

Even from tuition classes, I had to wait outside the classroom because they had to lock it up after we were done. I remember once, I had to cry for someone's attention, hoping they could bring me safely across the road and back home, and conveniently, my mother appeared, being late as always. Too bad she never knew that she had such a pansy-wuss kid, one whose emotions have gotten damp over the years.

I read a book by Mitch Albom recently, named 'For One More Day'. In it, the main character lamented the damage that his parents had done onto him. Irreversible, unchanging. A person's childhood makes him who he is, and sometimes, their parents don't even know. Even the smallest detail is remembered by a child sometimes, and I really emphathized with that chapter.

As for getting lost, I dealt with it. I figured I could find my way if I never stopped looking, the same theory I use to accomplish most of my goals. I learnt the hard way of course, in fact I learnt many things the hard way. So much so I have become insensitive to the emotions of others, because I can no longer emphathize with them. That fellow who took the wrong bus, well. I just thought that he should suck it up and find a way home instead of whining and hoping someone would come to help him.

Maybe because he reminded me a little bit of my childhood. I hated that.

On to another story.

Our last lecture for today was dealing with situations. Well, it wasn't so much a lecture, but rather a sharing session from a senior medic. He says that no matter how hard, how much we try, sometimes, people just die. He also tells us that he has never saved a single casualty during his ten odd years of service. Fortunately for him, most of his casualties are dead on arrival. He's hardly questioned by the board.

He did say that our job was to save lives. And I must emphasize that point further. Saving lives is essential. We will not get any commendations or salutations for saving lives, because that IS our job. On the other hand, people will point fingers at us if we are to fail our job. Even the board will start questioning us, asking us pointless questions to attest to our guilt.

'Do you think you are a qualified medic?'
'Can you really save a life?'

Even if we did our protocols correctly, everything perfectly, a normal, humble medic would say no to one of those redundant questions. And a no means that your head just got sliced off by a gullotine. This is the sad truth not just for medics, but all healthcare practicioners out there, and it is depressing to hear about it.

Why do people still continue with these jobs? At the ultimate end, your career could disappear with just an accident, one that was not meant to happen. You're telling me that the gratitude of patients is enough to make all of that feel better? I find it hard to believe. Which is why i'm starting to wonder if I should really be here. Perhaps, when compared to everyone else, i'm just barely suitable for the job.

At the same time, i'm wondering if it's because I still feel that my mother and father coaxed me into this line. A choice that I might not have made myself. I still don't know, and until I do, I will continue thinking like some nihilist fuck who's halfhearted on saving people.

This is my true nature. I am a thinker. And until I find eternal peace, my mind will be in a state of constant chaos. That is something, I pray, that the good Lord will grant me.

Hope.

2009-11-07T12:14:00.002+08:00

'Be my guiding light.' d._.b Change The World - Eric Clapton.

Imagine this.

It is a normal sunny and cloudy day, birds chirp from the trees alongside the street, and everyone is about doing their mundane everyday duties. You are going somewhere, and you have to cross a road to get there. Apparently, you are the only one going to cross over to the other side. The green man lights up, and you begin taking steps, the gravel from the road scraping across your shoes. Just then, two beams of light appear vividly and you hear a loud horn.

You are flung backwards. You do not even recall how many times you recoil off the ground before coming to a stop. Then comes the pain, pain so unbearable that you are numbed by it. You are lying down, and the only thing your eyes can see is one of your hands. The palm now bright red, caused by an abrasion against the rough ground. You try moving, but the most you can muster up is a bare twitch from your middle and index fingers. Is it the pain that restricts your movement, or is it the sheer exhaustion? You cannot tell.

You move your eyes to the sky, to the edge of your sockets. The clouds move slowly, concealing the sun; now seemingly not as bright as before. The birds fly mercilessly overhead from tree to tree. How you wished you could have been as free as them.

Then, you feel something at the back of your throat. It is thick and sticky, reminiscent of phlegm, but you know it is not. The metallic taste creeps through your entire mouth, and the first bit of it finds its way out into the atmosphere. Crawling down the edge of your mouth, the liquid makes a small puddle where your head lay. Blood.

You had not noticed before, but suddenly there seem to be many silhouettes watching, looking over you - people perhaps. One of them kneels down beside you and touches your forehead, sweeping your hair aside. Your half-opened eyes can barely make out his face, but you feel his gentle hands. You begin feeling more calm, and you wish to hold his hands with your own, but you can barely twitch your hand. He notices, and holds your hand, clenching it hard, not caring about the apparent blood that is staining his hands as well.

You barely make out his mouth and lips, but he seems to be telling you something with great emotion. 'Hold on.' Maybe. He turns behind and yells at someone, who takes out a handphone and begins pressing numbers and putting it to their ear.

Then, you feel a shadowy curtain closing over your eyes, like the finale of a big concert.

...And this is where my story begins.

If I ever had a reason for wanting to be a paramedic, it's because of this one patient whom i've nursed before during my days as a student. A victim of a road traffic accident (RTA), he had undergone an abdomen and facial surgery and was on the way to recovery. But I could not have imagined his pain when the actual incident happened, to go through so much, to have his facial features deformed just like that.

I thought of the people who wheeled him in. The ones who got onto the scene just on time, and performed critical interventions on him all the way until he got to the hospital, and tried to empathize his emotions and thoughts. All I can think of is hope. A second chance at life because such accidents occur - as an accident. They are not meant to be worth your life. And the people who put their hearts into giving people second chances are paramedics.

A simple 'hang in there' or 'stay with me' is perhaps enough to get a person to cling to hope. And I want to be capable of providing that level of comfort for the person not destined to die that day. That is why I have chosen this path.

I might not always be successful, nor will my days always end in joy, but that is the burden that I will have to carry for the sake of saving another life. I still have to remember however, that in cases of extreme impossibility of regaining a good quality of life, maybe it'd be a better idea to let go of hope instead.

Still, any life that comes my way is precious, and i'll do my best no matter what to save it. This I promise to myself, to God, and to all the people who've helped me get this far.

'The Lord guide me, bless my mind, my heart, and my hands. Let me not be afraid, but comforted in the presence of fear, and let me perform acts in your name.'

'Amen.'

Cleanse.

2009-10-16T23:08:00.003+08:00

'Vindicated from these burdens.' d._.b Someday - Rob Thomas.

Somehow, despite knowing that i'm going through a part of my life which is quite important - a paramedic course which I intend to put to good use in the not too near future, I still feel a certain sense of nothing. That's just it, I can't explain what it is, but there is a certain feeling of dampness at the back of my head, a darkness so vast that even I get lost in it. A feeling of uncertainty, uneasiness, a constant fear of the future, and so much more.

I look at other people, and they're so different. They let their freedom express themselves, they just release their chains restricting them and break free from normality any time they like. In fact, it's probably who they are. It's probably their naked approach that earns them many others like themselves. People like me however, continue staring at the slight, yet stagnant movements of trees and a ceiling fan that spins helplessly. And in those moments, I explore the vast darkness that is within the back of my head.

Perhaps the only time where I am truly myself is when I am with my old friends, or when I am saying a prayer at night before I go to bed, or when I am taking a bath. The latter two are infringed into my mind from birth, so I guess doing those things naturally releases my shield around me. A need for a brief period of rest, a need to put down this heavy shield, even if just for awhile.

Sometimes, I ask myself why I act this way. Why I cannot trust people, and why I act towards them the way I do. It gets eccentric at times, and I really cannot understand. To be honest, I never want an explanation. Explanations bring many truths to your mind, truths that can never be changed no matter how ugly or revolting they might be. Yet, without any explanation, I can only walk in circles, ending up at the starting point, and going about without an end.

I never found this social thing to be a problem. I know that I can survive the way I am now, I know that I just need help from others when I need it. I don't need any more than that, and i'm doing just fine. At least, I think I am. I've never liked exploring the unknown, and i've never liked exposing my real self to anyone. I feel like I have to put on restraints - like a mask, whenever I interact with people. For that reason, I feel afraid, and at the same time, I feel unnerved. 'This isn't a big problem at all.', i'd tell myself.

I always believe that talk is cheap. People can say many things but mean none of them, and perhaps only talk to alleviate some of their own pain. I've never seen it intended for its real use after church camp, and i've never found a need for it since then. So I talk less, and even less. I believe that I can win people over with my actions, more so than my words. And I truly, sincerely believe that.

However, people's perceptions of my actions might be different to begin with. Some might perceive it as being prideful, or taking pity on them, some even take it for granted, others just reject it altogether. I remember someone once mentioned that 'I feel like i'm helping but i'm not really am.'. And that part has remained true at least at some point in my life. Even until now.

In the end, I feel that i'm not really worth much on this planet afterall. Yet I still cling onto that hope that perhaps, one day in the future, i'll find salvation in something. And once I find that salvation, maybe I can let go of everything, and stop staring at fans and trees and ceilings. Once I find that salvation, maybe i'll be able to find that something that i've been searching for from the very beginning.

Peace. Peace within my head, among the chaos, clearing it all from within.

Until then though, i'll have to fight all this madness within to stay sane. Fight being who I want to be, to stay as who I am. To feel that i'm not changing at all, something that I can depend on.

Bloodstained.

2009-10-10T00:19:00.002+08:00

'My hands.. are all i've got.' d._.b I Stand Alone - Godsmack.

I haven't the time to update lately, not even the time to read the posts of my fellow bloggers, and i've yet to get the gist of blogging while i'm outside of camp, because time's just that much more precious. In fact, I wouldn't even be blogging here if I hadn't read a certain post by someone, but let's drop it at that before I turn my blog into something less than ashes leftover from some funeral.

This week is a memorable week, because this is the week where we all do what my new OC calls the 'Defining Moment' of medics. This is the week where we poke each other with needles. IV - Intravenous for short, is a process of transferring liquids into a person's blood stream. This means we poke needles with catethers into each others' veins until we succeed.

Now, this is not an easy task for first timers, especially for two groups of people - those afraid to be poked, and those afraid to poke others. I don't fit either, so thankfully, i'm going around doing as little pain to my course mates and loaning my arm to others who are boboshooters. Of course, that's not entirely true, especially when it comes to obese people.

My first attempt was on my buddy. Not only was he a little obese, he has quite a dark tone to his skin as well. This makes his vein(s) even harder to spot. Luckily, I had a first sergeant guide me, and I did it in one poke, though it did cause him quite a bit of pain. Having a needle underneath your skin scanning around for a vein definitely doesn't feel good.

My second attempt was worse, of course. Another big sized fellow, and I missed both his arms. It was horrible. But I managed to find another person; who so happens to be my bunk mate as well, to lend me his arm. Almost as if this was planned, he asked me for my arm as well, so it's a one to one trade, however weird this sounds. He did mine in one poke (my veins are running elephants), and then it was my turn to poke him.

After I did so; with the smallest confidence left in myself, blood came spewing out. So much so that the plastic beneath was drenched with it, even my gloves. I managed to cover it with an admin plug before any spilled on the floor, to my relief. This was the first time I had so much blood on my hands though. So much blood indeed.

I removed my gloves because they were too bloodstained, and continued anchoring the catether with my bare hands. I touched his blood just like that, and for the first time, I had blood on my hands, blood that was not my own.

That night, I couldn't sleep. Not because of that IV session mind you, but because I had a test the next day, and I hadn't studied really well for this one. That was when I realised I could do it, because this was my task from the beginning. I realised that with my own two hands, I could do so much more, I could save people and protect them, and create and protect, I felt a certain inner peace within myself.

So there, a grown man lying on his bed, staring at his palms for a whole five minutes.

I had so many flashbacks at once, I could hardly make out any one of them. My nursing days, my secondary school days, my primary school days. All happening at once, remembering my hand then, and my hand now. They've changed so much, but i'm still using them for the same purpose. How I used to look at my hands to tell myself i'm still alive, how I used to look at them to keep myself calm. How I used to clench them in anger, and wonder why I had five fingers.

'With these, I can change everything.' I told myself.

Then, a certain confidence overwhelmed me, and I found that I could finally lay myself to sleep.

Sometimes, these hands are all I have, and they're the only things that can give life to others. I suppose I should take better care of them, afterall; i'll need them for life's journey ahead.

Symbolic and a medium for giving, my hands are my birth tools, precious and irreplacable. And with them, I seek so much more than I already desire..

Humanitarian.

2009-09-25T22:59:00.002+08:00

'Again; what makes us human?' d._.b Requiem For A Dream (Orchestral Version) - Clint Mansell.

If you haven't been updated already, I am now a medic trainee in the SAF. I couldn't have asked for anything more, for it is what I had in mind for my vocation since I enlisted. I may have had some medical background, but most of it is negligent since I haven't been practicing my healthcare for quite a bit. Even before I entered army, I had a five month hiatus from my skills and knowledge. Now I have to scratch my head and regain everything.

The lecturers enjoy asking us this question. It is somewhat familiar yet similar to another question which they used to pose to us when we were nurses.

'How many of you are actually interested in becoming a medic?'

And there are about six hands raised, among 270 people. If you haven't guessed, one of those hands are mine, and five more perhaps belonging to other people who have a deeper desire to serve people than anyone else in the course. Again, it is here that I learn even more about myself, in contrast to the many people out there. It is true that I don't have much to commit to outside of my main objectives in life.. I don't hang out with my friends at all (not that I blame them, we're all busy people), I don't club, or 'waste time' outside. Truly, that term is subjective, as people believe that i'm wasting time at home as well.

Thus, that brings me back to a big round, and somehow, my mind creates time loops in my head, tunnels that keep leading back to where I began, tunnels that keep bringing me back to where i've been, and what i've been doing to be here. There's secondary school, polytechnic days, my BMT, and finally, here I am. Of course, they're much more vivid than just vague one liners, and sometimes, dreaming can take up to an hour.

'What am I doing here?' was what i'd always ask myself. 'How did I get here?' would be the next question. 'What's next?' would be the final question i'd ask myself, because there and then, I will not be able to find an answer. I can say I live in the present, because that's what i've been doing all my life. I'm suspicious of the future, grateful for the past, and I revel in the present.

But honestly, what AM I doing here? Learning how to save more people? What can I achieve with that? What will saving more people do for me? Certaintly, I no longer have that crazy urge to help people as much as I used to. Right now, I don't seek belonging from anyone. I know I have a rough road ahead, and I cannot afford to spare any of my own resources for anyone else. That is how i've been able to come thus far, without leaving a trace in my contacts.

I know that somewhere behind my head, i'll always have friends. People who know who you are, people who genuinely care for you, but are also on their own path. And our paths have thus split, so far away that I can no longer see them, not even their silhouette. 'Perhaps it is all a dream, a big - surreal dream..' I'd console myself. Because knowing that i've forgotten everyone and everything is too painful to accept.

We are the third generation medics. They give us a pocket sized defibrilator, hemostatic dressings, field dressings that velcro onto themselves, gauze that we can stuff into wounds to stop bleedings, a one way air-valve for the punctured lungs, panadol tablets and morphine injectors, torniquets, infusion sets, three pints of normal saline, tape to hold it all together, drop leg pouches for easier accessibility, a new medic bag to put the rest in, and a collapsible stretcher beneath it all. The total weight of all the new equipment - without the standard items - are a total of 14kgs.

I learnt all of that today, and even though I began by complaining about the weight increase, I realised that we had a greater responsibility with that red cross across our arms. I realised that even though people might not look out for us, we have to look out for them, we have to help them if they need it, and we'll have to do it all by our single self. I then realised the burdens of this red cross, and it was plastered all over the new medic bag.

This new load bears not only medical equipments, but also the literal burdens of the other 200 odd men in the company. The burden of having life infused into our hands, the burden of having to carry it all out regardless.

Think about it - the medic has to carry his own load plus that of the rifleman, watch out for every single one of them (this is a MUST, unlike that of riflemen), and at the same time, under all that fatigue, he has a mental stress of having all their lives in his hands. In a real war scenario, how much focus must a medic have on his mind? He has to perform surgical and medical acts under all of that burden. I'd imagine he must have much more than that of the regular man.

And the most idiotic thing is having people who are unwilling to be medics in the course.

True, all your selfish thoughts will begin pouring in, followed by a turret of negativity. But what makes you greater than everyone else out there? The ability to overcome all of it. That's what makes you a medic, that's what makes you HUMAN. It is a natural phenomena for humans to surpass their own limitations, and people who never do that - perhaps don't deserve the meaningful title of their race.

I'll admit, i'm no social butterfly, but i'm willing to help out anyone who's in pain or distress. Especially if I don't know them, otherwise i'd be swayed and biased with my judgement. Even so, however, I feel a certain need to lend a hand to those in need, in recognition of the people who once helped me in my plight.

But i'm not doing this for them. I don't know who i'm doing this for. I don't even know what drives me anymore. I just know that i'll have a red cross on my right deltoid, and as heavy as it is, i'll overcome all of it, overcome all of it and secure my rightful place as a human.

I don't know about anyone else, but this - this course is much more than medical know-how to me. This course... is a test to see if i'm really deserving of this body at all.

Lights Out.

2009-09-16T00:42:00.002+08:00

'So dark, this road.' d._.b Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol.

It's been a week since BMT life ended. I've been out of the house everyday since, and although i'd love to say i've finally broken out of the traditional gamer life cycle, life still isn't all that great. Looking forward to the oncoming tasks that I can set myself to do is my only hope of relief from this gloomy emptiness, the same emptiness I feel everytime I look myself in the mirror.

Have you walked a road from dawn to dusk, and realize that you can see less and less of the landscape ahead? This road, which you were so sure was the right one suddenly fades away with the shadows that come creeping by. You can barely make out silhouette of your hands as you stare down at them, your shoes blurry in the background. There are no stars in the sky, and no moon to light your way. There is nobody around to hear you scream, cry, or yell. You're all alone on this pitch black road, not knowing what's around you, not knowing which way is right.

In the darkness, even trusty signboards become deceitful. The lacking of lamp posts leaves you nothing to hint your next destination. All you have is yourself.

That is exactly how life is for me right now. In all honesty, i've perhaps lost that spark and will I once had to serve people. That pure unadulterated will and passion to help people for the sake of it. Maybe it was never there, and all along i've just been deceiving myself, wanting to give myself a goal in life to escape from this void. Maybe i've been following lamp posts all my life, saying its my own road but following one that's clear and safe.

I no longer have that drive and will to help people. Perhaps I could turn it into a job, but then i'd be no different from an automated first-aid robot. Because i'd be doing it for the sake of survival, my own. So what leads me on the road ahead? Nothing, really. The road ahead of me is pitch black, and I cannot see a thing. The road that I came from is also shrouded in darkness, almost like it never existed.

Unfortunately, a person of my calibre can only sit down where I am, not moving - not until there is a gleam of direction. What if that light never comes though? Am I doomed here forever? Perhaps a brief respite would be sufficient enough for me to continue moving on. The only thing I can hope for now is for a sign, a light from above to show me, assure me, and comfort me.

This light, I know. I know it'll come, sooner or later, and it'll point to me the way. The road I was destined to walk, the road that I can proudly declare my own. And at the end of it all, at the end of this tiresome and tedious journey, I can look back and say that i've come this far. Come this far without regret or hesitation, and that's good enough for me. I don't need reasons.

And perhaps at the end of this road, i'll meet everyone again. People i've forgotten, people i've yet to know, people whom I hold deeply within. And maybe i'll remember them for who they are, and what they've given me. And we'll all enjoy one last embrace of emotions, before I go home to where I truly belong, my journey here finally at an end.

All that sounds nice and neat, but i'm still here in this solitary road, blackness surrounding me, without a sign. Maybe i'll just close my eyes for awhile.. close my eyes and forget it all. Afterall, whether I do lower my eyelids or not, the darkness still remains. I might as well just rest here, and be hopeful.

Still, I can hardly recall my will and determination not too long ago. Is this really the right road to walk?

Not too far away, a snake inertwines itself around a tree branch..

Finale.

2009-09-06T14:14:00.002+08:00

'Almost there; didn't even notice.' d._.b What I Got - Sublime.

Four more hours before I begin preparation to head back to camp. If anything, this is one of the most boring times of life; waiting. What's been happening lately? Here's a quick summary. It's almost the end of BMT, Wednesday is POP day, and we're almost done with the course. Grenade throwing, live range, field camp, IPPT, SOC, SIT test, route marches up to 16km. All that's left is another route march of 24km, and that's on Wednesday morning.

It surprises me how quickly this is going, but at the same time, i'm filled with bittersweet emotions. We finally arrived at the end product, almost finished with it all, and at the next turn, we won't be seeing any of our bunk mates anymore. No more buddy, no more people whom i've spent the last seven weeks of my life with. Suddenly, almost magically, everything feels like a big dream. A dream that never happened. A dream so surreal, but was never in existence.

Those six days of field camp felt like ages away, I can vaguely remember sleeping in my shell scrape. All those marches also never felt like they were there, neither did range nor grenade throwing. Suddenly, it's like I popped up just for the final parade; graduating from BMT.

Some part of me tells me this isn't a dream. This isn't a dream because I know that there was some part of a journey before this end point. I can differentiate between the slackers and the hard workers, the ones who really care and the ones who don't. In fact, I can even take a mirror and and tell myself what i'm missing and what I got. These eight weeks isn't just about training, its some last minute character building before they toss us into units.

If I haven't taken with me anything during these nine weeks, i'll take home the character they moulded into me. The very core essence of sheer willpower and altruism, i'll take it all and bring it with me for the rest of my life. When you're down and out, in the jungle, exhausted to the brim without anymore breath left to give, everyone else is feeling the same way. What separates you from them is that will that you have. Are you going to be just like them? Or are you going to make a difference?

I know what that means. I know what it means to give my all, my all is much more than what my body can endure. For once, i've felt true power. Despite all that exhaustion and fatigue, I can still conjure up some form of energy and push it into my legs and hands. I have no idea what it is, but I know it exists, and i'll call it willpower. Everyone knows what it is, but not all have used it.

I also know that the people around me make a difference; and every single one of their ideas are of value. Because I know that 'a good leader is also a good listener'. This is also similar to the more crude version which my brother proclaims; 'I have two ears but one mouth'. Most people talk but don't listen.

With all these values, how can I say that everything thus far has been a dream? At the least, they aren't dreams, but memories. Memories sealed within all of us, everyone who has been through this phase of life. I'm sure some cannot recall their days in BMTC, but through it all, we've all been here, came here leaving some part of us with this place. Memories, so many sealed within a single photograph. The only one taken during the phase of our course.

It's the end of another phase of life, although a short one. But i've probably taken enough with me from these nine weeks already.

As One.

2009-08-28T21:25:00.002+08:00

'We fight as a single, impenetrable unit.' d._.b Handlebars - Flobots.

This week has been rather eventful and fruitful. Despite it being one of the most tiring weeks ever, it has also been one of the more insightful ones. I must say, that the human spirit is much more stronger than i'd ever imagined; and you can only understand after you see two hundred men marching together in spirit, with the flag as their only bond together.

On Monday, we had to depart to the jungle again. This time for SIT Test, a test designed to tire us out, a test designed to test our leadership skills. Many people in OCS have probably shown considerable accomplishments during SIT Test, perhaps by being able to motivate people to complete certain objectives. Afterall, a leader is someone willing to take responsibility for his men.

My OC again, has given me another inspirational quote.

'A good leader is also a good listener.'

During the test, there were many kinds of people. People who talk too much and listen too little; people who don't talk at all, and people who give suggestions wanting others to notice them regardless of the mission. Effectively, there're the 'wayangs' and the people who don't give a crap about going to OCS. I can safely say that ultimately in the end, most people will go to OCS for the money's sake. So what is the purpose of it eventually?

Nothing, really. In the SAF, you're actually dreaming. For those of us now serving our time, they make it seem like it's actually a big ass place inside with high ranking people everywhere. Let me say this, however. Singapore has no real war experience. The current high ranking people enjoy bossing lower rankers around only because they *believe* they're worth something. In the outside world, the only skill they possess is 'people control', and i'm not too sure that works the same way it does in the army. Just because people do the things you want them to doesn't make you a good leader, everyone's under the burden of a very heavy punishment should they disobey anyway.

What does that make commanders? Or the SAF for that matter? Fear? By far, I don't see any form of command or leadership coming from higher ups. All they're doing is 'controlling' us with fear. So, what is the entire point? In my opinion, if your men treat you with respect, and are willing to break the rules for your sake, then you are a good leader. If you can move their hearts and spirit with just a single phrase, then you are a good leader. Otherwise, you're just there to replace a role easily fufilled by a robot.

Enough about leadership. I'm pretty sure i'll run into more idiots when i'm posted to a unit.

On Wednesday, we returned back to camp. By then, we had already completed a 12km route march, plus a total of 6km in fast marches.

The next day, we would have a 16km route march, the last route march before our final 24km. Let's just say that in times of tiredness, people's true colours will DEFINITELY show. And i'm also proud to say that the people in my platoon are made of nothing but pure tranquility. They'll put all their shagness aside and push you on, and for that brief moment you can almost believe they're insane because they don't look tired whatsoever.

I always believed in a saying; 'If you cannot help yourself, then you cannot help others.'. That was a driving point to getting strong.

These people have shown me enough to prove that my belief might be wrong. They're showing me that I should put people ahead of me despite my current status. They're showing me I can lend my strength with my reserve energy, and not just my excess ones. Reserve energy is that energy that's left in you when you're extremely tired, where you can't even think, and the most basic function of your body is to survive. That's when you stop thinking about others and just start being selfish.

We sang just about all the way for 16km. It was not a easy task, most of us braved blisters and fatigue from previous days. The muslims in particular had to endure all that in spite of their fasting. All of us walked together in tandem, and even though you don't physically feel it, deep down somewhere in the core of your body, you're connected with everyone else.

I felt that when people around me started shouting, I got stronger, I had more strength to go on. So in turn, I shout back for them. We all sing together, giving each other our energy. I suppose this is what you call synergy, something that comes together from everyone to lead every single one of us to the end point.

At the end of it all, our OC congratulated us with packet drinks and four bottles of isotonic drinks; one for each platoon. We did it together, from start to finish.

Let's just end off by saying that there's nothing more high than 200 men shouting 'cheebyes' and 'fucks' together. Truly, awe inspiring soul and energy.

Defining Moment.

2009-08-22T14:37:00.003+08:00

'Almost a recruit no more.' d._.b Signal Fire - Snow Patrol.

Unfortunately, I don't have much to write about, so instead i'll post the essay that my company told me to write. We were told to write about our defining moment in BMT, and guess what? My essay got shortlisted for the competition. So, without further ado, here it is. My Defining Moment in BMT.

My defining moment in BMT is perhaps one that many others can identify with; ask any seasoned soldier about their stay in BMT and they’ll tell you the same thing. One of the most realistic scenarios that the SAF can implant into our heads is leaving all of us in the jungle for six days to illustrate a war environment. Suddenly, all your comforts are stripped away. No showering, no toilets, no warm food, no beds. I could go on and on about the sudden change that shocked all of us, but I’m pretty sure those are just a miniscule setback when mentioning field camp. Field camp is a stage of BMT where your mind and body are put to their ultimate test, especially in Singapore; where we are all blessed and even spoiled from birth.

During field camp, there are other things that we have to observe; namely, the disciplines. The main point of all the disciplines is simple, keeping hidden from the enemy. An ambush is the last thing that you’d want during your sleep at night. Examples of obeying disciplines include disposing of trash properly, keeping low when stationary, and perhaps the most crucial of all, whispering of messages.

At night, there is only silence in the jungle. As such, speech becomes incredibly easy to discern, and whispering replaces talking as a primary option of communication. Thus, instructions need to be chained from person to person. Sometimes, the message gets distorted midway, and ends up sounding completely different when it reaches the last man. Other times, the message never gets through at all.

Passing of messages requires teamwork, something that is emphasized constantly in field camp. Without it, our commanders warned us that we would suffer. Simple things like helping to construct a basha tent and refilling water from jerry cans require individuals who are not afraid of putting others before themselves. My OC sir has also warned us that during field camp; ‘many will show their true colours because of fatigue’. Indeed, it is because of that phrase he mentioned that I am ashamed of my current self.

When it came to one of the most arduous tasks during field camp, all of us were extremely beat down. Digging a shell scrape was not as easy as it looked; all of us did back breaking work for hours, and some only achieved digging what I would call drainage for water. Yes, it was an extremely difficult task, if not the hardest task during field camp. At the end of it all though, at the end of all the urban and conventional trainings, the repeated mistakes and punishments we had to endure, the selfishness of some people, the endless strains of fatigue that kept piling up…

We learnt something. Every one of us.

It was the final night in outfield; we had finally finished digging our shell scrapes and ate the last bit of our combat rations. Sitting upon a hill looking up upon the stars with the moon as our only source of light, we were reminded of the simplicities of life. Then, we were told to fall in.

Our commanders told us what they thought of us. What they wanted us to learn and their own experiences during their times. They told us our mistakes and hoped that we would change, and perhaps if we took home nothing with us, the least we could do is take home friends that endured this tiring journey alongside us. They reminded us of the pains we went through; the endless punishments we received and made us recollect our thoughts at the time.

After which, they passed us letters. Not just any ordinary letters, letters from home written not too long ago. I read mine, and amongst all the negative thoughts, I am reminded of why I’m doing all of this to begin with. For my family, the people whom I want to protect with my life. With this weapon that I was woken so abruptly in the morning for, with my body that is severely battered from all the trainings. Suddenly, everything started making sense.

I went home the next day and saw my dirtied face in the mirror, and smiled. Those six days only served to teach all of us one thing; that we did everything for the people we love. That hopefully, in these times of peace, we can be reminded of our forefathers who fought valiantly against the occupation, and not repeat the same mistakes they did.

We must protect our people, and not falter against any opposition.

---END---

And that's it. I know that some of it might be nonsense or crap to many out there who believe that army is a complete waste of time, but when you think about it, there's really no other reason why it was created to begin with. And there isn't a need for any other reason at all.

Shag.

2009-08-10T09:59:00.002+08:00

'True nature.' d._.b I Stand Alone - Godsmack.

I forgot an important point from the previous post that I feel I should post here. During field camp, the OC mentioned something that pricked my senses a little bit. He mentioned that when a person was tired beyond measure, his true nature appears. My true nature is ugly. I don't like it one bit, and if I can change it, by all means God help me to.

When it comes to shagness, my body entirely shuts itself off and begins to care only for itself. Effectively, I become a selfish bastard, which is the epitome of failure in the army, since we all work as one single unit. I am disappointed at my own revelation, and I hope to change it as time goes on by. I cannot remember the last time I helped people and put them above myself.

Perhaps the reason is such that other people do the same things. When I see the selfishness in other people, I find that I have to be selfish too because they don't deserve my help. But I also fail to see the people that are continually selfless despite their withering state. Perhaps I need to see the goodness in people more before I end up destroying myself and everything that i've fought for.

Maybe there was never a time where I was selfless. Maybe all I wanted was recognition for myself. Maybe that's why i'm not doing anything for the progress of my platoon. 'What would be the point?'; i'd always ask myself. The answer would always be 'None.'. However, the fact of the matter remains that there is always a constant point. The definition of being human; am I doing to follow the rest of the idiots who don't do anything? Or am I going to break through all the selfish thoughts and start helping people regardless of the nonexistant gains?

I should, and would love to choose the second option. But being human causes me alot of cognitive dissonance when I want to. People are coming to army being treated like people owe them a living.

But wait. If I don't choose the second option, then I am just like them. Because of the people who are constantly helping out; I look like i'm making them owe me a living. This is so pathetic. I need to do something.

Also, talk is cheap. In the army, if all you can say is thank you and sorry, you're in a heap of shit. You repay work, with work. It's all simple analogy.

Now that i've made this clear to myself, I know. I've chosen, and right now I need to stay focused, stay disciplined. I need to continually follow this path and if I stray, God help me.

Field Camp.

2009-08-09T09:05:00.002+08:00

'Six days in the wilderness.' d._.b Signal Fire - Snow Patrol.

There are many moments in life that I will never forget. One of them is definitely field camp last week.

For those of you who don't know, field camp is a period of time where an entire company goes to the jungle environment to teach the basics of jungle and urban fighting to recruits. Plus the fact that we don't have any leisure items such as handphones and showers. Effectively, we're just surviving on ration packs that they issued to us (which I find tastes not too bad).

In field camp, you get fucked everyday. In the morning, afternoon, and night. When you screw up things that will cause the entire company's progress to slow, that's when you get fucked. We're almost late for every single fall in timing during field camp, and that's why we get fucked up. What's being fucked you might ask; well.. the infamous 'knock it down' is one of them, something new is 'rifle over head'. Doesn't feel too good for morale if you ask me.

Also, we have to high kneel or stay low when in a stationary position during outfield. Kneeling is a hardass task, now I have both knees slightly bruised. Thank goodness I found a method to make it easier; removing your gloves and kneeling on them. Really takes the load off if you can do it quick enough.

Effectively, we have to observe the several disciplines when we're in field camp. Whispering or hand signals to communicate, no torchlights that are obvious in the night, and no shiny items. Even for the smokers, they have to smoke while hiding the red light that comes from their cigarettes. Most importantly in field camp since messages are so hard to get by, is the conveying of messages from one person to the next. We call it echoing.

Echoing is something that really kills our efficiency, this is because the message might get distorted or entirely stopped during the halfway point; leaving the people at the back to either get wrong messages or not at all.

Other than that, urban ops is really quite a fun training that we had. It's something new apparently, my brother didn't have it during his time. You get to storm rooms and jump through windows and stuff like that. Catching the enemy offguard especially.

We also spent several days learning conventional ops. This means fighting in the forest, which has been the main focus of the SAF for a long time. Now they've shifted slightly towards urban ops, but they still maintain a strong focus on jungle warfare. We get to run and hide behind trees and assault enemy troops from the front.

They also taught us several scenarios, such as a sniper shooting one comrade down, what to do when the enemy is too strong, and what to during artillery bombing. It's really quite a fun but shag experience. All in all, not too bad, and that's basically it for the training.

Two days ago on friday, we shifted to a new campsite; using the tactical march to make our way there. The tactical march is entirely silent, we use hand signals to get people to move faster, slow down, spread out ect. Of course, the worst of the lot is taking cover, whereby you'll have to get the fuck out of the road into the vegetation and find a nearby tree to kneel next to. I normally sit down because of the shagdom.

Upon reaching the new campsite, we were greeted by a frickin' hot sun shining down on us with a lacking of trees, after that we were taught how to dig a shellscrape; the most infamous part of field camp. A shellscrape is effectively a rectangular hole for you to hide in and fire at the enemy. The worst part of course, is the digging. We had to spend eight hours finishing up the whole damn thing; making the depth and length enough for our entire body to be concealed save for the rifle.

The depth of the scrape has to be knee deep.

After all that shagness, we finally had a rest period on Friday night, the last night during field camp. Despite it being very dark on the hill, the most beautiful things are the fireflies. So we'll all be sitting or lying around, not taken a bath for five days, with camo all over our face staring at the fireflies. Truly, it lifted up our spirits a little bit. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

After that, we were made to gather. The sergeants and platoon sergeant talked to us a little, shared with us their stories, gave us a little insight into army life, and made us reflect on all that fucking. In fact, I believe that our sergeants are closer to us emotionally than any other platoon, because they refuse to use physical punishment on us as much as they can.

Then they made us reflect on all that shagness, all that tiredness. Times where you don't give a fuck anymore because you're just too exhausted, times where you want to give up but you know you still have another shitty day ahead so you can't. Then they gave us that. A letter from home, written quite awhile ago. Each of my family members wrote a something on it to push me on, my mum even added pictures of me when I was ten. My dad had a whole page written just to tell me to keep fighting on.

Then they told us that this was what we were doing all that shit for. What we were all getting shagged out for. A whole lot of us shed tears, tears that renewed bonds with our families.

After that, they made us sleep in our shellscrape. The bastards.

Next day, we took a tunnel back, it was one of the most insane rides of my life, but I could share it with 47 other people, so that's not too bad.

Upon reaching another campsite, we were deployed to our last mission. The BIC, or Battle Innoculation Course. You get to crawl under the searing heat on sand, with machineguns firing overhead you. They emphasized earplugs again and again. Heck, even with those on I could still feel the vibration coming from the guns when it was firing.

After that, we were home free. Thus ended field camp.

For some reason, I feel a renewed sense of responsibility to my country and my family. No, it's not because today's National Day. Perhaps field camp really changes people. Trust me, you're not a male born in Singapore until you've gone through it. It's an awesome experience.

Artillery!

2009-08-01T21:27:00.003+08:00

'RTRTRTRTRTRT!' d._.b Handlebars - Flobots.

Okay, RT isn't a good thing. Apart from that stupid RT drill which everyone does exceedingly well because of the last part where we all run away, RT also means Remedial Training. Apart from being a session for all the buggers who fail IPPT, it also serves as clocking time for the recruits who have alot of attend C status (this means booking out to recover at home from injuries). Hence, there are a few IPPT gold standards people who RT'd with us today.

So what has been going on lately? Well, nothing much really, i'm still learning the basics in camp, still learning some drills. Storming my own bunk and doing IA and grenade throws.. I suppose everyone born in Singapore has been there and well.. it's kinda fun. Apart from failing IPPT and not being able to clear the frickin' low rope in the SOC, life has been pretty good in the SAF.

What about my bunk mates though? Let's see, we originally had fourteen people, but two had to OOT (Out of Training) status because of old injuries. One had back pains, the other had some complications from intestinal obstruction. So this past week, we bid farewell to both of them who have now been posted to camps. Guess we won't be seeing them for awhile, but we had fun while it lasted.

I'd talk alot more about my bunk mates, but i'm quite low profile in the bunk, and apart from being completely random, i'm only known for my low bass voice. Plus, i'm pretty sure we're all only here to serve the two years of NS, we're not really interested in much else of each other. Just doing what we can to survive for as long as we possibly can. At least, that's my perception right now. Still can't get over the fact that people are slacking all over the place though, it's irritating.

We had a route march last week as well. The route marches are completely progressive, starting from four kilometres stretching all the way to our final twenty four before POP. Basically, it's marching for long periods without pausing, and the only rationale is because in a real war, if we run out of tunnels to transport infantry units, we'll have to make our way to the point by foot. So we do route marches with our SBO, and recently, we marched with field packs.

Speaking of field packs, next week is my field camp. My brother says that its one of the most hardcore shit in BMT, and when my brother says that, he probably means it considering he's some mad dude. I'm mentally preparing myself for the shit that's about to come, and i'm sure even that won't be enough to shield me from the oncoming shagness. Marching in zigzag formation plus doing everything with camo paint on is effectively being one with the jungle. And no, I don't love mosquitos nor insects nor wild boars.

So anyway, the army has pretty good soldier welfare. Considering we're training for the day that might never come, who knows if this is all worth it; paying taxes and such. Plus, even if the day does come, who knows if we'll all even stand to fight, in all honesty. We've been spoiled from birth in this country; chairs to sit on, clothes to wear, never having to go hungry, never having to thirst. Even the mentally strong soldier would be somewhat affected by the loss of his lifestyle.

Still, that is something that can never be avoided.

The least that we can all do though, is attempt to pass our IPPT and do our company proud. Perhaps they're fostering some kind of homely image, and perhaps that is a good thing.. but you know, somewhere in the back of your head, you just have the thought that we're all here for just two years, and so this is not forever, we don't have to devote ourselves to it. Just let the other people do it. So they start slacking.

It's true, I kind of understand. Even so, it's not right to make people clean up your shit from your backyard. That just makes no sense; the least you can do is clean it up yourself. There's a certain lack of responsibility and sense in the bunk and section, and that's what I hate about it. Only a handful of people are mostly doing things while the others are sitting around.

My friend had a different idea of it though. He said that we all just needed to do our part, doesn't matter who. I guess his point is just to be optimistic about it, so that's how I interpreted it. Now I consider doing extra things as training; so its really all good.

Alright, things are really looking up for me in the SAF, i'm starting to get muscle sores all over again, starting to have more focus in running and exercises. I'm pretty sure the rest of the journey will be smooth sailing until the end.

Until then, see you space cowboy.

Army-Man Returns.

2009-07-21T01:13:00.002+08:00

'I'm home!' d._.b Rise - Origa.

Let me just start by saying, army is fun shit so far. I know many people are going to tell me that army is going to suck later, but I doubt their words. In fact, I doubt any words coming from people that aren't factual whatsoever. Things like 'army sucks' especially, should be fucking not said at all because it's a worthless rhetorical remark. That said, any old birds wanting to enforce the emotions that i'm supposed to express, be prepared to feel my rant.

Anyway, like I mentioned, army is fun shit. I have no idea why a whole lot of people hate it, maybe i've not experienced the worst of it, but army is good so far. The random crappy happenings that happen abound the bunk and the camp itself is enough to keep you smiling for at least ten minutes each interval. And trust me, there's a whole lot of intervals for the random happenings.

I cannot mention much in specificity for army life, basically because some stuff is classified. To be straight to the point, i'm now bald, I have my equipment, i've become more resilient, I have more muscles, and my heart beats stronger. Good stuff? Yes, definitely. Army is like a 24hr training camp, and I love it. Call me one of those brainwashed fellows or insane soldiers, I love army so far.

One of the more memorable events in BMT apart from all the random crappy happenings has to be the rifle handing ceremony. They make you swear to protect your country. I know, it may sound like bullshit to a LOT of people now, even those who are in BMT, but trust me, it still feels like a duty to be fufilled for me. Basically, they'll hold the rifle in front of you, and you're to shout 'With this weapon, I will protect my country' while yanking out the weapon from your commander's hands and holding it proudly.

Of course, if you just think of it as such, there wouldn't be much emotion. Yet..

There was a sergeant who after giving us a talk, ended off in a way that impacted me a lot. 'You all know ar, if you have the mindset of NS is a chore, that nobody needs to serve NS, that NS is full of shit, then who the fuck will protect your family, who the fuck will protect your girlfriend, who the fuck will protect your friends, who the fuck will protect your children?'

While receiving the rifle, the thoughts of my family came into my head, and I grasped it firmly with pride. Gaining such great power at such short time felt like a tremendous burden, yet at the same time it felt good. I could either choose to protect or destroy with it. It felt scary, yet it felt like a burden I had to carry. Like uncle Ben said from Spider-Man; 'With great power, comes great responsibility.'. I still cannot comprehend how they make children carry rifles overseas.

Still, it was quite an experience.

Apart from that, I find army alright so far. I mean, it's probably nothing compared to home, but that's because it is what it is, army. You don't even think about it that way when you're inside, you just focus on doing what you're told because you're afraid of fucking up. Hey, you'll get the hang of it sooner or later so don't worry about it anyway.

I still find it hard to understand how people can face mental challenges in BMT. A old bird* told me to watch out for the people booking out singing loudly in our faces while we were in confinement. Now this is what I fucking hate about the old birds, they enjoy telling us how we should feel and enjoy being right about it. I tend to prove them wrong anyway in their face. While we were route marching this bunch of recruits were singing loudly eating their dinner in our faces, and I thought that they provided more kick for marching than my horrible platoon that never sung any songs.

See? I don't understand how that's a bad thing. The only fucked up thing here is the old bird's mindsets.

*Old bird: Slang for experienced people.

In my opinion, the only fucked up thing about army are the people who're done with it and are giving condenscending thoughts to young recruits like me about army. I think i've seen more people die than everyone of them combined, I can judge for myself how fucked up something can be, and army is thus far, NOT fucked up. The only thing fucked up here is YOU, old birds. Stop giving people wrong impressions of the army.

Note: Some people may call me brainwashed or perhaps label me with some other degoratory term. I will tell you the same thing that the sergeant told all of us. 'Are you going to place the lives of your loved ones in some other person's hands? Are you going to reply with some half fucked answer?' I'll tell you straight up that i'll protect my family myself. I don't need anyone else to do it for me.

Do you still think that army has brain washed people? If you do, then fuck you. Perhaps your family doesn't matter as much to you, then fuck you to hell. Your opinions are invalid.

Now that that's out of the way; the rest of you who're still reading, we'll protect Singapore together, as one single fighting force of steel. No matter what.

'Loyalty to Country; Leadership; Discipline; Professionalism; Fighting Spirit; Ethics; Care for Soldiers.' (okay, maybe that was a little too much)

Protect my wife; with my life! (SAR21)

Army-Man.

2009-07-09T08:28:00.002+08:00

'For the nation! For my people!' d._.b Kokoro no Wakusei ~Little planets~ - Kayou Aiko.

Today, I woke up in the morning without any interruption from my sleep. I slept like a log for the first time, it was as though my body was playing mind games with me because i'm always having late nights and insomnia. Yesterday though, yesterday I slept almost as soon as I finished my night prayer; or correction, I slept while I was praying and had to wake up to continue. Hahaha.

What's different about this morning though? The sky looks clear and everything looks great, but today's the day I wake up from five months of sleep, get off my ass and start doing something real for once. Unfortunately, the idea of army in Singapore isn't as great as perceived overseas. Over here, army is a 'waste of time' and anyone who has to do it, good luck (in a sarcastic manner). Well, let's just say that we probably won't have any incoming wars in our lifetimes, so it probably IS pointless.

Let's just use a statement from Optimus Prime here (my God I love the fellow).

'What if we leave, and you're WRONG?'

Basically, what if we don't go to army and train and a sudden oncoming war hits us? Shit, man. Big shit. Well, let's look at it this way, considering the current general view of army, even if a war DOES hit us now, we're probably still dead considering the attitude everyone has towards running. I mean, when I look at retarded people walking along the road outside, i'm wondering why i'm giving two years of my life to defend their ass while they're screwing around. I'm sure everyone has the same idea; the ironic thing is that we all go through army.

I don't know what i'm feeling right now, though. Something kind of a regret, something of a relief, and well, just calm. That's it. If anything, this is gonna smack me right in the face to wake me up, and that's always good. Thing is, I can say farewell to teenagehood already, so what's holding me back? No idea. Maybe it's the insane amount of figurines around me on my table, the stash of manga that I used to read all piled up.. I really don't know. Either way, seven years of teenage life is etched here in this room, and it's all about to go.

At least, I think. My brother's 22 and well, he's still my brother. I'm sure you know what that means.

No point brooding and getting emotional over this fact that we'll all have to do things we don't want to. Not saying I don't wanna go to army, this is my shot at life to ignite my soul once more.. to have goals and determination, to inspire and be inspired. I'll be leaving in an hour or so, probably, so i'm just really rushing through this post.

Where will I go from here though? The same old question i'll always ask myself. Probably anywhere, as long as it's forward.

Farewell, goodbyes (to my hair as well). It's time to grow up. I'm going to miss the last seven years of my life, but being twenty opens up a bigger larger stretch of roads for me to cross. I guess i've only lived a quarter of my lifespan? Or slightly more of it. Normal human males die at the average age of seventy four, the last I remembered.

Time to stop daydreaming. Time to go.

Appreciate.

2009-07-07T18:37:00.002+08:00

'Ever wondered what peace means?' d._.b Tomorrow Comes Today - Gorillaz.

Today, I turn 20. As with every year on my birthday, i'll make a blog post about my life. It sounds boring and repetitive, but here I am, making the same post all over again. Let's just say a little something's changed though. A little something inside of me, that no longer clings on to falseless hope, that no longer relies on things to happen. Let's just say, we all gotta grow up sometime.

Many a times I ask myself why people only remember the bad memories they have and keep pondering over them. Why they keep stabbing themselves even though they can avoid doing it, my priest had a sermon once, and he described it as us taking swords and stabbing ourselves with it over and over. He said that humans weren't stupid, heck, even animals wouldn't injure themselves on purpose. But why? Why do we continually stab ourselves by remembering bad memories? By picking on the faults of everyone else?

To be honest, I have no idea either. I do it sometimes as well and it's a really bad habit. I always have the mentality that when people are down, you kick them so that they'll get back up. Apparently, it doesn't work for every weak dipshit out there who wants some comforting in their life. Right, right. I guess there're some points in our life that we have to dampen our pride and emotions and try to empathize with people, put ourselves in their shoes and stuff. What they taught me in NYP and shit.

I've come to see that everyone has their strong points and weak points, Keong has said that the true friends you have are those who know your weaknesses and choose to accept them and live with them. Those friends will stick with you forever because they know who you are, and they aren't afraid to embrace that negativity. Let's face it, we're all humans, and we're all flawed in some way. The least we can hope for is for people to accept us for who we are.

One person whom i've got to thank a lot for these five months is my brother. Apart from showing me the route to lifting iron, he also shares a common interest with me. Not to mention we have a similar mindset, while upholding family ties with us. He's the ultimate person I can relate to, especially in times where I feel disheartened or unsure. Of course, we're not entirely similar, but we understand each other enough to know why we think such ways.

I want to let my friends know I appreciate them too. For being with me during those times where life had been hard and foggy, where the end path was never too clear. I definitely never could've made it this far without you guys, so thanks for that. I know that I really suck sometimes and that I have a really big head, and i'm trying to change all that, so yeah. Let's pray something happens while i'm in there.

My parents too. Mum for sowing the deep belief and roots within me, so that I will always know the right path to take no matter what. Dad for always being there; even if he can't express his outward emotion.

I can finally say goodbye to teenagehood, to all those times I spent fooling around, and focus on the bigger picture at hand. My faith, and the people who I need to give help to. I know, the whole idea sounds ludicrous, but this is my path, I feel like it's something I have to do. Helping people has always been my primary goal in life, even if it means fucking up somewhere along the way. I help people according to my job scope now, and not solely based on my emotions.

So here I am, God with me, helping me with my cross. There's still a long way to go, though according to medical science, i'm already one quarter of the way of six feet down. Or in this case, en route to the crematorium. Well, being twenty isn't so bad, I guess. I'll soon find out anyway.

Good luck out there, soldier.

Farewell.

2009-07-01T20:17:00.002+08:00

'NEET, I am.. not for long.' d._.b Signal Fire - Snow Patrol.

I forgot to publish the previous post after saving it as a draft. Originally I had hoped to lengthen it before publishing it, but yeah, I got lazy, so I just hit the publish button. Anyway, here's another post from me, from the guy behind the computer screaming to the world. Not that it matters, Lord no.

NEET is defined as 'Not in Employment, Education or Training.' It's a term commonly used in the anime 'Welcome to the N.H.K.'.

For me, well, it's a term that I use when I want to daydream. Having daydreamed without much real life social interaction outside my family, i'm used to being here in my room, alone when no one's around, burning my day away. These days can only last so long, i'll be in the army soon, and after that - work. I doubt i'll have any time left to daydream even if I wanted to. I've been doing this for so long though, it'll be hard for change.

At the least, the least, i've been doing something different these past five months compared to previous holidays. I've been lifting iron, lifting iron like i've never lifted before. This is the only thing in life where I never ask myself why, it's the only thing which continues to intrigue me when everything else fades away with time. I've never stopped since I started, only when safety's concerned.. but that's one thing that continually keeps me interested.

A simple motion, I bend to grasp the long iron rod. The rust rubs off onto my palms, I feel my heart throb throughout my hands and chest, sending vibrations. Trickles of sweat flow down my forehead into my eyes.. I steady my breathing and look at the second hand on my clock. Then, almost immediately, with one fell swoop, I lift it up. It feels heavy, feels like the weight of the world. I stare at myself at a full-scale mirror and looked at how far i've come. I grit my teeth and continue, my eyes squinted close. At the end of it all, I put it down, and even more sweat coat my skin. I look to the heavens and smile.

In all honesty, i've not found a good, solid reason as to why i've been training. It just happens to be a thing that I feel I need to do, a thing that I don't need any reason for.

Throughout my past weeks, all i've been doing is loafing around.. i've not done anything constructive, not done anything productive. Perhaps because I don't want to write the last memories of my childhood of working and being stressed all over. In six days, i'll turn twenty, and two days later, i'll go into the army. Literally, i'm at the last week of my teenagehood. Memories start flooding back in, memories of the sky and clouds, of laughter and running, definitely loads of running. Memories of emptied tear ducts, memories of people back then, memories of everything. Soon, all of them will be better left unremembered.

Better left behind so I don't lament the future.

There was a time where I believed. There was a time where we all did, a period of time where we were all invincible, where the world was our enemy. Where people don't understand, where we seeked belonging. Where nothing made sense, where fiction was our reality, and the heroes - us. Yes, there was a time like that. A time without worries, without pondering, without fear. A time where only today mattered, a time where the people around you were your everything.

Then you start seeing the world. Your once tranquil soul starts becoming murky and clouded, you start hating people, and you never stop. You start to not believe, you begin running from who you once were. Who we once were. Deep down, we all know that we're doing what we're doing to survive, and perhaps someday we'll be surrounded by the people we once loved and wanted by our sides. Somehow, those memories don't stay rooted, and we begin running away from them. We start destroying the memories we once had because better they not exist, for when comparing our current state to them, we have fallen a long way. Better for those memories to have never existed.

Halfway through, some of us grow tired and weary of the war within ourselves. We start giving up about surviving, and start expressing our true intentions again. We start searching for the people who once gave us comfort, we start loving again. We start seeking for our purpose all over again. The rest of us who keep walking the road will only find ourselves at the end of it. 'What now?' - We'll ask ourselves. We'll probably never find our childhood ever again, looking back at how far we've come on this chaotic road.

The rest of us who continue smiling and laughing will never find an ending to our road. We'll only find new roads from there, reprising the situation we were once in. Our journey will never end, neither will our spirits.

A part of me wishes that my past never existed. A part of me wishes my friends never did. A part of me tells me though, I wouldn't be saying all this if that's what really happened. So i'll decide for myself, these memories will stay, fogged, dusty behind the depths of my memory. 'Who are you?'; This question i'll ask many, for I no longer remember your faces. Only the emotions that you invoked within me.

I've come a long way. From lone soul, to imaginary friend, to feeling indebted, to finding true meaning. My future is already decided, i'm going to save as many people as I possibly can with these two hands of mine. These two hands which I value beyond everything else. They've helped me come this long way, helped me understand who I was.

'Goodbye, my childhood.'; I'll say as I close the chest. Memories and emotions entrapped within, i'll take with me only my experience, and my fortitude. These two things will serve me well for my journey here on out. I'll never stop walking, i'll never go back the path from which I came. Perhaps, I won't remember any of you in the future, but you can be sure that they're somewhere within me. Inside that little chest, where all of my tranquility lay. A little box that I won't open for awhile.

I bid farewell to that child, the child wearing his school uniform, looking at me with a blank face. He lifts his hand and waves back. I smile and raise my hand a little, fingers clawed. He turns around and walks into the darkness where I can no longer see him. Where he no longer exists.

This is my destiny. I promise.. I'll be back for you, child.

Dawn Breaks.

2009-06-18T20:42:00.003+08:00

'Dreaming.. still dreaming, neverending.' d._.b Hikari no Rock - Sambomaster.

Looking at everyone else, I start to comprehend the current state of my current self. What have I been doing for the past five months? Working out, sleeping, and a great deal of using the computer, and television. No involvement in big projects, no involvement in any musical apitude. I've just killed off five months of my life. What have I gained from all of this? I really have no idea. I keep telling myself that it's the final stretch of my teenagehood, so I want to relive each day with nothing to do. I mean, how often do adults get to do this?

Most of my friends have started working as nurses already, if not a part time job. Effectively, i've just been lazing around; wasting my time away. My final three weeks as a youth, what am I going to do with it? I have no idea, but i'm pretty sure i'll waste more of it away.

After that, it's the same old story. Army, working life, perhaps a plan for a long term future. Hah, I don't know. I'm a person who lives in the present, I don't consider my future that far ahead, and i've put away my past. So what can I do at the moment? Nothing, just wait. Wait until I rot away and turn to dust. What else can I hope for?

The endless dripping sounds coming from the sink, echoing through the emptiness. Somehow, it feels cold. Somehow, I can imagine all the dust floating about. Somehow, it feels like there's more to life than this. The rotating fan blades thrust out wind endlessly, my hair rustles in their grasp. The subtle movements of posters half peeled out, of paper scattered on my table.. I know this feeling. It's so quiet I can almost imagine my heart beating, almost feel every second of my life fading into the abyss.

There's no point screaming. There's no point figuring a way out. Every attempt i've made has led me right back into this cell of blackness. I continue doing the things that give me euphoria. Enjoying this insanity all by myself.

I digress. Life's a pool of shit, but can we really drown ourselves in it and truly say we enjoy it? Haha, I wonder. My future's so clear in my head that even if I didn't want to think about it, it'd still be there, as clear as glass. I say I live in the present but that's only because I know my future's secured. I know I won't starve and die on the streets, I know i'll continue living a good life and ponder about unneccessary things. The point of living? I have no idea.

Nothing's there till it's gone. That's something I heard recently. How often do we appreciate those around us when they're still well, around? I know I don't appreciate people enough sometimes, I keep thinking I can do everything on my own. I know I frickin' can for sure, it might be sloppy and hard but I definitely can. Would that make things any more fun? No, it won't. I'd rather jump into the shitpool with everyone else that's about to. Why? Because being covered in shit is fun.

Looking back at my life, it's been pretty stable and good. I like it so far, but sometimes I wish there was more to look forward to, more to appreciate.

Special Edition One Shot! #5

2009-06-11T02:31:00.003+08:00

'This one's for you; my beloved friend.' d._.b Fly - Emilio Ludovico.

It's been a long while since my last SEOS!. I even forgot how to type in the heading, but a quick review of old posts and I found out. This post is dedicated to a dear friend, one who has changed my viewpoint of life drastically, and also shown me a whole other side of it. Who is this person, you ask? His given name is one that we don't even use, one that he doesn't speak of. Apparently he chose to be known only as Rick, perhaps leaving his past behind.

...I called him Riku at a point of time, because that's the direct translation from his name from english to japanese. Yes, we're all japano-philes.

I digress.

This person, whom I would have never known but due to our first meeting in the ward when we were all greenhorns, fate twisted yet another knot. We got along quite well, known as the foil to each other's character. At that time though, I had sworn myself not to get anymore new friends, because I didn't want to forget Flav nor Jona, nor all the memories I had with them in secondary school. I realised later that those memories could never be replaced.

Rick came across as a person who was outspoken, yet softspoken at the same time. He had character which was deep, something which many people I know have a lack of. His ability to understand and even phase what I was thinking or writing intrigued me tremendously, just who was this person? This person who understands me where no one else has? Previously, my blog had been filled with nothing but cryptic and long messages which no one bothers to read, but he came along and told me he understood. I was surprised. I didn't think anyone read, or bothered to understand for that matter.

When semester two came, Rick reunited with Jub, and me with Jona. Unfortunately, school wasn't quite a favourite place for Jona, so he didn't come that much. That left me alone, and it was one of the hardest times of poly life for me. The thought of quitting even came across my mind, the whole thing was screwed up. I was a mindfucked teenager.

Everyone urged me to stay on. Rick too, and suddenly he just started hanging out with me a whole lot. The end of year one saw the leaving of Jona from nursing, and me with Rick. Then came basketball.

...I understood basketball as a game for people to foster team spirit, a game for people to do amazing things, and convey emotions and feelings. Rick at that period of time was quite a seasoned player, and he improved my shooting ability by folds. It was quite dramatic, the change. I shot until my fingers had blisters, and even when the rain fell, I kept shooting. He would be there shouting, urging me to shoot over and over. That was the only voice I heard, I had forgotten my own.

Sadly, the team we formed was short-lived. I still learnt much from basketball then, and it wasn't much different from what I had expected it to do before.

Rick and I grew even closer.

Year two was the coming of a new era. Rick would face difficult and troubling times, and as much as his life sucked, he just kept living on. At first I thought I befriended him out of pity, then I thought I befriended him out of respect, it was neither of that. I befriended him because he needed just that, a friend he could rely on, a friend who could be there for him whenever he needed. I wanted to be that friend, I wanted to know that finally, people can rely on me instead of the other way around. I stuck with him throughout the toiling era.

Came semester two, and I had been exposed to much more friends than I ever thought I could make. Rick would have distanced himself at this juncture, and we would find our bond slowly weakening, almost shattering. Rick had been facing even more troubles with his personal life, and at this juncture, he became fat. Yes, the skinny bastard who we all used to insult turned fat. I looked at him and deep down, I shaked my head.

'You're not the Rick I looked up to. You're weak.' I would say to myself, in relation to his physical self, and other factors.

At that point I would start hanging out with Nabil, because I wanted to get stronger, but I didn't know why. Maybe to follow in my brother's footsteps, maybe to explore a new pathway in life that I never thought I would. I went to the gym, and started training regularly for our Physical Fitness for Life module. Rick, faced with his many troubles, would find it hard to make it for alot of lessons, and I would need someone else to spend my time with.

I thought myself rather pathetic, jumping from one friend to another so quickly. Truth be told, I think I was afraid of being alone, afraid of looking at people talk and hearing their laughter and joy. Back then, I didn't have anything to be happy about, didn't have anything to smile about. Life was a bore, life was a chore.

Year three would see the return of Rick. With his life now back on track, a stable part time job, his relationship with his girlfriend no longer sour, he would start to pick up his old jovial traits, the things that I knew him for. We became a duo again, although I would meet Nabil after school for gym, I spent most of my day with Rick. I finally found balance and peace.

Here we are, almost afraid of letting go of our three final years of our youth. Almost ready to serve the nation, almost ready to look back and smile, and never look back again. Our three years, our final years of teenagehood, spent together with turmoil and grief, yet happiness and joy.

Some moments which I thought were important to coming where we are today..

-At the ball court-
Rick: 'I used to be able to dunk.'
Me: 'Used to? What happened?'
Rick: 'I used to be all that, a captain of a ball team.'
Me: 'Then?'
Rick: 'I lost it all, after that one dunk.'
Me: 'Maybe you have to put your pride behind you.'
Rick: 'Maybe, but it's hard. Heh.'

-Discussing ballin'-
Me: 'You know, i've always wanted to ball but never have anyone to ball with.'
Rick: 'I can come down to your place if you wanna ball.'
Me:' What? It's really far off.'
Rick: 'Steady lah, tonight we ball.'

-Attachment, year one-
Rick: 'You know, we're like the opposites of each other's character.'
Me: 'Ya, we kind of are.'
Rick: 'I'm the loud and headstrong one, while you're the calm one.'
Me: 'I kinda like the way that sounds, hahaha.'

-At the lecture hall, strained relationship-
Me: 'Haha, fat boy! Maybe you should just give up.'
Rick: 'You know, there's a line between having fun and putting someone down.'
Me: '...'

-Inside MRT, to Toa Payoh-
Rick: 'I have to decide, I have to make a choice.'
Me: 'A choice? Do you know what choices you have?'
Rick: 'I do, I definitely do, but I just don't know..'
Me: 'No matter what you choose, i'll be right behind you, i'll be watching your back.'
Rick: 'Thanks dude.'
*I remember there was a delay on the trains home on this day*

-At the stadium, in the night-
Rick: 'She told me to choose. Guess what I chose?'
Me: 'Aww.. damn. Give me a hug!'

-Somewhere-
Me: 'You know, sometimes I don't know who I am, maybe i'm a robot.'
Rick: 'I'm pretty damn sure you're not a robot. Robots don't think as much.'

-At Jubilee's stairway-
Me: 'Oh shit, phone's ringing.'
Rick: 'Oh shit.'
Me: 'Busy! HAHA bitches!'
*Rick and I spent alot of time running away from group meetings*

-Somewhere, again-
Me: 'Hey, do you believe in God?'
Rick: 'Yeah, but I don't believe we have to live the way that people govern us to.'
Me: 'That's true.'

-Chatting-
Me: 'You know, if i'd known you before Jona, you might've been my leader then.'
Rick: 'No, that's not true. Jona's the leader, i'm just the guy who tagged along.'
Me: 'No, what I mean is..'
Rick: 'I think you already get it.'
Me: 'Yeah, I do, thanks.'

-NYP; last day of school-
Rick: 'Man, i'm sad.'
Me: 'Why man? School's over! We did it!'
Rick: 'I don't think i'll be a student ever again.'
Me: '...damn that sucks.'

-Attachment-
Rick: 'Dude look! Only X more days! Imma cross this one out..'
Me: 'Wow, that close huh. I feel like giving up though.'
Rick: 'Don't do it, we're almost there, look at the number of days left.'
Me: 'Hey, you're right. I'm just gonna persevere to the end.'
Rick: 'Yeah, just know that there's someone else who knows your preceptor sucks.'

-Post attachment; lecture hall-
*Rick takes the mic*
Rick: 'Do you guys actually train preceptors, or do you just pick any staff nurse with two years or more working experience to grade us? Because we're all getting different preceptors, and some of them are really biased, especially my friend's.'
*Rick sits down*
Me: 'Thanks man.'
Rick: 'I just had to say it out, man. Your PRCP really sucked.'
(Yeah but you were always there, so it wasn't so bad).

-Post attachment; job hunt-
Rick: 'I need to find a job man.'
Me: 'I'll follow you, we can find one together.'
*Rick went back to lego in the end*

-Post attachment; Sentosa-
Me: 'You know dude, ever since you became -you know-, fat, i've always been disappointed. The guy whom i've looked up to, the guy who beat me at 2.4km runs has fallen from grace.'
Rick: 'You already beat me lah!'
*No Rick, I haven't, and until I do I won't rest*

-Post attachment; ball court-
Rick: 'He's staring at me, smiling and waving, walking out that door.'
Me: 'Damn shit. Tell him to come back! I wanna fight him!'

-Post attachment; random talk-
Me: 'So, you ready for army?'
Rick: 'No, but i'll just do it anyway.'

All in all, these three years with Rick has been one hell of a wild ride. Where are we gonna go from here? I don't know. Rick's entering army on Friday, it's another change of livelihood and stage of life for us. I go in July, a month from now.

Rick, you've taught me that life isn't always a bed of roses.
Shit can happen unexpectedly, but we can still pick ourselves up and smile at shit.
If authority is questionable, why not question it?
I don't need you to pity me, treat me like how you treat everyone else.
We have to let go of our pasts in order to accept our future.
We don't need people to know who we are, we ARE who we are. Nothing else matters.
Does it matter if we die today? You said no, because we're just ordinary people. We're no longer accepting our prided selves.
Just solve the problem, use the straight road. Screw everything and everyone else.
Life isn't perfect, but that's why it is.
You need to help yourself before you help other people, but it doesn't always have to be that way.
Life? Existence? All of that crap don't matter! Today's what matters!
Heroism? Heroes don't exist. Only the people who deem them so do. Same goes for villains.
I don't give a crap who you are. You're human, like me.
If you want to do something, do it, or forever regret it.
Even if no one were to attend my funeral, i'd still live my life the way it is.
We're all going to hell anyway! Let's just have a good time before we do.

For all the things you taught me my friend, for everything that you've given me, I thank you. And perhaps these two weeks weren't enough time to spend with you, but I enjoyed every moment of it. Every single insane, nonsensical second. Making friends with you has never been a bad choice. We have our ups and downs my friend, but we also face life in the end like all adults have to.

I appreciate your help all these years, and this may sound like a last ditch effort to pull every single happy, sad and memorable event we have together, but i'm glad I wrote it anyway. And even though you'll say that I don't need to thank you, the truth still remains that I do. This is it. The chronicles of our final years of teenagehood.

From the most sincere bottom regions of my heart. I thank you.

Growing Up.

2009-06-04T02:06:00.003+08:00

'Mature; sweet butterfly.' d._.b Childhood - Michael Jackson.

Rick is entering army next Friday. Somehow I just want to give him the best time of his life, or at least spend the most time I can with him before he goes in. It feels like we're all trying to accept a new phase of our lives that's going to finally change us. We all feel afraid to comprehend it, all feel afraid to accept it. This feeling of adulthood.

Responsibility is the first thing that immediately comes out when I think about becoming an adult. Throughout nursing, i've been through it, and i've been given responsibility. All of us have been given it, but it's such a heavy burden to carry especially when you don't want fault to lie in your hands. You don't want to accept things that might go wrong, things that are potentially going to scar your memory.

I project Flav to be undergoing alot of stress lately, because he's finally in year three, and well, his projects and stuff really keep him occupied. I really want to be there for him when his stress levels begin building up to exhausting levels, but army prevents me from doing so. I only hope he doesn't give up or hurt the people around him when he reaches his limit.

All of us experience this feeling of responsibility at least once this time of our lives. In nursing, you will have to accept responsibility no matter what. If you don't, people will suffer. People who you serve will have a poorer recovery rate, and we're there to make them better, to be honest. People may say that i'm asking for too much, but then, I ask you now. 'Why are you in the healthcare profession?'. I saw on television once, that if you're here to make money, then perhaps you're in the wrong place. We don't thrive on that.

We thrive on the people that continue to give us our existence. People who smile and are grateful, people who thank you everyday. People who let you know you are there, and they like it. For this, I would like to share a couple of stories.

One was during the period in the ward when I was quite easygoing. I smiled alot during my time there, and whenever I walked into the room, this cheerful chinese uncle would look at me and say that i'm an especially happy person. I thought it was nice, because when I saw him smile I felt quite warm inside too. He was quite an able patient, he only came in for a simple operation. He called me 'The permanently happy' nurse in chinese.

When he came back from his op that day, I attended to him, told him that he might feel tired, and should rest, and call us if he should need to defecate or urinate. I did it with a smile too, and I could tell, that behind that fatigued face, he was smiling right back at me. He discharged the next day.

Three weeks later, he returned, with a gigantic cake for the whole ward. But he didn't recognise any other nurses but myself, the one who smiled whenever he was around. So he passed the cake to me, but I asked the sister to receive it personally anyway. That really made me feel accepted.

There are many other occassions where patients have given me strength to go on where my colleagues couldn't. These events make me miss and recollect my student nursing days. It's not always this nice and green of course; but if you keep holding onto the little gestures and hope that people give you, what else do you need to keep moving forward?

Growing up is no easy task. I still remember the days of secondary school where we all just dreamed the clouds away. I don't remember looking at the sky that much during my nursing days, because i'm either too tired or too busy to. I miss being a kid, we all do. But some people embrace adulthood more easily that others. I can't pray and hope for everyone to think the same way I do, i'm sure people miss their childhood too. Some don't, of course.

I definitely loved my childhood. Apart from the times where my mother walloped me with that dreaded rottan, it was quite enjoyable. I have to say that i'm quite a spoiled fellow, in fact. I had a SEGA console, every power ranger toy that came out, and clothes that I wanted. My mom or dad would get them for me if I asked them nicely. I've never had to fend for myself even once.

That came with a price. I didn't know people. I didn't even know the true meaning of friendship. I learnt everything the hard way, and I was still learning the elementary stuff where people had started on relationships. I took a long time to appreciate people, for a period of time I even decided I didn't need them, and here I am with my friends surrounding me.

I've probably grown past the stage of wanting acceptance. Now is the phase of accepting responsibilities, adulthood.

Jona once told me that when we grow up, we won't be like our parents. Our genes and destinies aren't automatically decided for us when we're born. We can change who we want to be, and we can excel beyond them, achieve what they couldn't. He had a point, I didn't want to accept myself for who I was then, I wanted to be known as someone else. Right now though, i've accepted my fate. I don't give a crap what people think of me, as long as my head's straight. That's all that matters, honestly.

Jub once told me that I had the most heart. 'Heart?' I asked him. He'd reply something that makes sense yet not easily grasped. One day I dropped a dollar coin into a busker's box, and then he repeated his comment. 'That's why I say you have the most heart.'. And I finally understood. To think that I wanted a heart in the past, a change from my stonelike self. I found it, somehow.

Bil once told me that I needed to just do it. Because in life, if you never do what you want to do, you'll only die with disappointment and regret. With that he took me to the gym and I began my first baby steps into musclehood. He taught me to be spontaneous and work with the situation. To be quick witted.

Lex once reminded me of myself. That person trying very hard to find out his destiny, trying to find the right road to walk, trying to find acceptance. I found myself to be very similar in aspect to the fellow, and I could finally empathize with him.

Rick tells me that we don't need to live by the laws governed to us. 'Why act according to norm? Why can't we be ourselves? Why can't we be deviant even if people reject us? Are we afraid? I know i'm NEVER afraid, that's why I can be a deviant as much as I want. There's nothing wrong with you if people judge you, it's how you judge yourself that matters.'. That made me accept myself as I was. YES! I COSPLAY! I'M A NURSE! I'm not ashamed. I'm a sinner too but it all comes with the package. He makes sinning look harmless; in a good way, that is non-judgmental.

Flav reminds me of dreams. He's had that one goal in his head since four years ago, and he's never forgotten. Like a neverending stream of water trying to find its way out to the sea, he keeps flowing forward. Obstacles only get cut while trying to stop him. He reminds me that humans need goals to survive. Humans need to think of what they truly want in order to have a drive.

I look at myself and I say; 'I have wonderful and beautiful friends.' Friends whom i'm afraid of losing over the span of the next two years.

Still, i'll cherish every memory i've had with them. But i'll have to do this next challenge of life alone, pushing the boundaries of my childhood away. Accepting responsibilites and testing my limits. Being an adult isn't easy, nobody ever said it was.

...But without adults who they can rely on, where else can they find peace in their childhood?

Thank you, everyone. Maybe the next we meet i'll have wrinkles on my face, but hey, I know i'll be hanging around.

Escapism.

2009-05-28T16:36:00.002+08:00

'Are you running towards something? Or away from something else?' d._.b Kokoro no Wakusei ~Little planets~ - Kayou Aiko.

Yesterday was graduation day. The whole three years of my poly life had come to a grand closing, everyone dressed in blue garbs with the standard NYP colourization; the gold and red flaps. While I thought the outfits were horrendous looking, I think that the time we all spent together on that last day was worth all that effort. So Rick, if you're reading this, thanks for getting me to come down. Pretty glad I did.

Of course, with the coming of my polytechnic friends, the same thoughts came across my mind. Where has everyone gone? Where are they going? What are they doing now? All of them have started some kind of work at least. I look at myself and I somewhat regret my previous five months, spent nonchalantly on this contraption. Still, I can't say this holiday has been wasted, thanks to my training.

Still, this.. 'priviledge' that I have now is rather shortlived. I'm just escaping the grasps of adulthood. I can't accept it now as it is. I'm afraid of taking responsibility. None of that has changed. So here I am, spending the rest of my holidays wasting away, dreaming at the world that isn't real. Escaping from the real world which i'll soon have to face.

I've decided that after army i'll stop dreaming. At least for the majority of my life, because what i'm doing now is stagnant. If I were to look back now thirty years from the future, I can't say i've lived my life the way I wanted to. I've come a long way from four years ago, and i'm still growing. The next step is army; of course. I believe that it can help me; help me accept this world as it is and stop being afraid of it.

Everyday, I turn on my computer, and I wonder why. There's no work to be done, there's nothing to check on, yet still I turn it on. Why?

Perhaps, it's because this computer has been my escaping mechanism for so many years, it's hard to let go of it. I'm going to spend the last of my teenagehood with it, then i'm going to have to stop dreaming. Stop dreaming and start accepting the world. Once I stop dreaming, I probably won't have any more use for this machine. At least, i'll have a much less use for it than before.

I mentioned before; that in my perfect world, there's nobody around. I can just do whatever I want, go wherever I want to. Yet, it feels empty, there's no one here, and soon I begin to wonder if it's really a perfect world. Each ornament is crafted perfectly here, the leaves, the trees, the branches, the animals, the grass. Everything is crafted so perfectly, there are no flaws.

The slight unassuming breeze, carrying with it some traces of the grasses. The endless ever blue sky with clouds so bright and huge.

Yet, there is nobody here. I'm the only one. Is this perfection? To have nobody to share it with?

Then I realise that it's all part of a dream, something that isn't real. ...And I am relieved. The sounds of cars zooming past the road outside, people walking along pathways and talking, the gravel roads upon grass; the artifically planted trees to cheat us of real nature.

Somehow, I am relieved. Because there are people around.

Perhaps perfection exists wherever people are around, because they'll think it that way. There might be horrendously build structures, polluted roadsides and litter all around, but somehow it still feels perfect. At least more perfect in my own world, without anyone. Perhaps this way, I might be able to accept the world for what it finally is; imperfection.

Imperfection that is perfection. An oxymoron that makes so much sense.

Still, I want to enjoy every last moment of this perfect world of mine, now seemingly so imperfect. Because when I begin taking steps into the real world, I don't think I can ever return here. I won't be able to feel the grass between my fingers, the rustling of the trees, or the slight breeze on my face. I want to dream as much as I can, before I finally wake up to accept the world.

So here I am. Still halfway between reality and dreamland. I'm beginning to accept it though, so that's a start. At the least, the world doesn't seem so black and white anymore.

Seek.

2009-05-19T15:20:00.002+08:00

'...what are you looking for?' d._.b Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard.

For the longest time, i've always wanted to reach out for something. I lie down in bed, and almost everytime I do, I look up to my ceiling and raise my hands, my fingers extended. Then, i'll close them slowly and watch how my hand slowly changes shape. At the same time, i'll attempt to grasp something, but nothing's there. There's only air, and i'll stare at my shadow, looking at the poor soul attempting to reach out for something that probably doesn't exist.

Many times in life, we all attempt to seek out something. I too, have things that I wish to seek out. My purpose in life, what God has planned out for me, which road should I take, where my destiny awaits. These rhetorical questions always pop out in my head one time or another, and although I know deep down that I can never find an answer, it still does appear. Perhaps stemming from the guilt that I feel each time I avoid these questions, unable to answer them.

Many times we choose to seek something that we might probably not get. Why? Probably because that's life. If we never do try, we'll never know the result, right? What happens if we fail then? We get up and try again. And again. As much as we want, until we wear out, until we decide to quit. Because as long as we keep seeking, i'm sure we'll find the things we want. We'll keep searching, and finding, and keep on probing. 'Perhaps it's around that next bend', we'll tell ourself; and so we go round that bend and look. It's not there. Perhaps its further down the road, and we go there, and don't find it there. Do we ever quit? Maybe. Most of us don't.

Throughout our whole life, we're constantly seeking something. Most of us don't know what it is. Some of us have our subconscious directing us at something, something that might or might not exist. Sometimes, it's more than just the reason we seek something we think we know. Sometimes, it goes so much more deeper than what we think, we cannot even fathom the meaning behind why we keep searching. Regardless, we keep seeking, we keep looking. Because without finding that certain 'thing', we'll never ever be put to rest.

What am I seeking? To be honest, i'm one of those people who don't know what i'm seeking. In a more modern language; 'I have no dreams'. I have no drive to go out there to achieve what I want to. Because that's just it, I don't have much I want to achieve, and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to do it now. So here I am, watching everyone pursue their dreams, and wondering what drives them; what gives them their undying will to keep searching. Sometimes, I think that this is all a waste of time, because their reasons can never be the same as mine. We're all searching for something deep within ourselves, we already have it, but we don't know what it is.

Perhaps, what we all seek is ourselves. Some philosophers say that humans are born without a soul. How we attain a soul then, is by seeking that certain 'thing' that we're supposed to on earth. A painstaking journey of regrets and disappointments, ups and downs. At the end of it all, perhaps we might lay down in our death beds and say 'I've found my soul'. Perhaps all along, what we seek is right here, in our hearts.

My brother has entrusted to me part of himself. He believes that I can become like him someday; strong, determined, disciplined. What am I seeking? Power? Strength? No. All i'm seeking is to be the best I can be, and i'm seeking the best method to do it. Unfortunately, there is no best method. All I can do is pray this road leads me there eventually. Besides; power and strength are already within us. We don't have to seek it, it's all right here.

What is it then, that you are seeking? Belonging? Courage? Strength? Honour?

I think I already know what i'm seeking. I seek peace. Peace within myself that I can stop seeking. Peace so that I can stop this relentless pursuit of nothingness. It's all already here, so why do you need any more? All we have is right here. Look around you. Look at yourself.

'God grant me peace. Grant me patience. Grant me deliverance. Your humble servant beseeches you. Please.'

That is what I ask for everyday; before I go to bed. Before I retire my day to the Lord. I pray that He keeps me ready for the next.

I pray that he lets me find what I seek; Myself.

Rest.

2009-05-16T22:06:00.002+08:00

'I'm tired, i'm going to rest.' d._.b Dramatic - YUKI.

I finally met up with all my old friends. All my anticipations and excitement; all my hopes, all that redemption. Today was a great day, because today I finally understand. Today, I accept the spittle on my face, today, I acknowledge myself. Finally, I have no need of the recognition of anyone from my past. Finally, I think I understand.

In truth, perhaps it was just a lack of belonging. In truth, perhaps it was just another adolescent aspiration. In truth, perhaps it was all another dream to begin with.

I have quite a horrid past. Friends made it better, friends made it bearable. Friends stuck by me and never regretted, friends pulled through to the end. Perhaps, I had always wanted another opportunity to show my old class how much i've changed, how much i've improved. How much i'm not that person I once was, but the truth remains the same. I've not changed the person I am. My environment might have changed over the years to accomodate my current self, but no, I haven't changed at all.

Today, I realised that I didn't need anyone else's recognition. I didn't need to prove anything to my old class anymore. I could finally let all of it go to rest. I could finally stop dreaming about my past that never really was. I can finally move forward. At least, that's how I feel right now. I feel free, yet once again devoid of thoughts. Maybe i'm just tired from today. Maybe.

I can finally accept my past as it is. That person who everyone once knew, is the same person right here, right now. I've not changed, and at long last, i'm not intending to. Finally, I find that I have nothing to prove. Finally, I find that I can move forward to so much more things.

As my faded memories start becoming even greyer than they should, I take one last look at the blue sky. It's never changed. It's always been there, like that. I finally have nothing to prove wrong about my old self. I've always been here, like this, without a change. I'm not who people think I am, and I don't need to prove it. I don't need anyone's affirmation for it, and I can finally look at my past and smile, because it doesn't deserve any more than that.

As a member of 4/2, I never really felt attached to the class as a person. As a group, perhaps. The three of us go back so far, people will only remember me as a member of it. I was nothing special. For so long, i've wanted to change that. I've wanted to be someone else, someone more courageous, someone with guts, and I want my past to accept me as that someone.

At long last, there is no more need. I feel tired. I feel lethargic. My eyelids are drooping over my pupils, my hearing muffled. I feel as though a huge burden on my body has been lifted, a burden which i've been carrying so long, a burden crying the need for attention, a burden crying the need for people to change their perceptions. Now, it feels like it's gone. It feels like there's nothing left. It feels like I can fill it with so much more.

I can finally lay my past to rest. I shall retreat into the safety and comfort of my bed, for I too, have need of certain rest. Farewell, my past.

Mission.

2009-05-12T15:38:00.002+08:00

'What is it I have to achieve in life?' d._.b Mission - Hyde.

With my cross on my back, I start to crumble with each step. I start to wonder what is the purpose of me carrying this cross across this hopeless wasteland. I keep carrying regardless; my faith has taught me much about what direction I should go in life. As I keep crumbling, the people I meet along my way... they give me parts of myself back. They remind me of who I am, and what I must do. I keep moving on with their help.

Today, I went to SNB with my mother to get my nursing registration card made. And I got it! Right on the spot. It looks awesome, makes me so proud to be a nurse, even though I hate being one. Then I asked my mother, would it be useful to take a short course on midwifery as a tie-in with my future paramedic plan? The idea stemmed from a conversation with Rick and his girlfriend on the train; and I realised then I didn't know anything about delivering babies, something I would think that is quite common while being a paramedic.

I mean, it's not a neccessity to know, but what if it should happen? What if we were to tend to a pregnant woman bleeding heavily on the roadside; apart from rushing her to the hospital, what can we do? We might have to deliver the child, and if we're not ready, we could lose both mother and child. That's a two for one punch that we'll all take forever. So I thought it should be quite the important skill to have while being a paramedic. It's not neccessary, but the least we can do is attempt to negate all possible problems that we might come across.

Upon receiving my practising license, I started to wonder what was my path in life. My mother told me I could wait after two years in army, I had my time to decide. I was glad I did; though an advanced diploma wouldn't hurt. I'm still considering mid-wifery though, should I just jump into paramedics and learn it on the job? That might work out fine for me as well.

I really don't know, so it's at times like these I turn to God for help. I know, it may sound ludicrous for some of you out there, but for me, He's shown me much that I need to know already. But i'm sure He has more in store for me. Even until now, I still have no idea why I joined nursing, but why did I pick it when I was sixteen? Six damn teen. I was a friggin' kid back then, no life experience, only been to school. I chose to become a nurse, I had other choices. But I chose, looked back once or twice, but I walked forward. And here I am with my practicing license. It's like a silver watch for a state alchemist in FMA.

I remember in year one, we went to the ward for the first time. This was where my fears started kicking in. These are REAL people. These are REAL problems that we have to face. This ain't fake like in the practice labs, people are suffering here. And we're the only ones who can make them feel better around the clock. I felt afraid, I didn't know what was coming next. I was only seventeen then.

I did know one thing, though.

Clinical Instructor (CI): 'So boys, you all know that you will be posted in the male rooms right?'
Male nurses: 'Yaaaaaaaaaa.'
CI: 'Does that mean you cannot touch female patients?'
Male nurses: *silence*
CI: 'If a female patient is falling, do you help or not?'

At this point, she looks at me.

Me: 'OF COURSE HELP LAR!'

And from that point on, I just kinda knew something within me wants to help these people. Not just female patients, but everyone. Why was I here? I still didn't have an answer, I still don't now. Why? The question kept resurfacing in my head. Eventually, I just thought it would be better to just keep moving forward without thinking of anything else. That was taught to me by Rick, and Nabil.

I moved forward, I made friends. I befriended work colleagues from sheer hard work. I kept thinking of moving forward, and that was the only thing that kept me going.

At the end of it all, the same old question appeared again.

'Why did you join nursing?'

I answered then;

'You don't need a reason to help people.'

Finally, at the end of three months of slacking off, I found the true reason why I joined nursing.

'I joined nursing for myself.'

That was that. I didn't need any other reason. If I wanted to help people, at the least I wanted that choice. I don't say i'll help people but in the end turn out helpless. I want that choice, I want to know I can help people. I want power, I want to know that I have a choice to do anything else. With power, I can have a choice, not just in nursing, but also everywhere else.

Now, i'm just awaiting for army to come, and during those times, i'll keep asking myself; 'What is my mission?', and i'll keep pondering. I may never find an answer, but I know one thing that i'll keep doing. I'll keep moving forward, for if I shall stay stagnant, there will be nothing happening in my life. I need to move forward, I will move forward without any regrets. There is no room for any disappointments or setbacks.

My mission is... I don't know. I still don't. Nursing is so broad, I can go back and study some more, or I could choose to start working. There're so many choices open for me, but I know i'll have to help people along my way. If I don't, i'll crumble into pieces while carrying my own cross.

One thing is for sure though, i'm in this healthcare business from now till the end. You don't help people because you're forced to, you do it because you want to. I know nobody's forcing me to do anything now. This is my mission, to help people, as many as I can, from all around the world. Let them see the sun of tomorrow, give them the warmth of hope. Bring new lives into this world, deliver lives away peacefully. This is my journey, this is my story.

This is my life. This is my Mission.

I'm an Adult.

2009-05-05T23:13:00.002+08:00

'And I realised, at that moment.' d._.b Kokoro no Wakusei ~Little planets~ - Kayou Aiko.

Who am I? I'm no longer a kid. I realised that as the sun set today. Why? It's the same as any other sunset, so why do I feel that this time, it's different? I laid there, in my parents' bed, and stared at the clock. 6.45PM. The last glimpses of the sunlight crept through under the curtain sheets, and the clock just continued ticking like it always had. I closed and opened my eyes, and it was 7.00PM.

Soon, I couldn't even see the time, it had become too dark. Where, or what had just happened? I know what happened. I killed my Tuesday. I've been killing every single day i've had since the end of that attachment, not doing anything productive whatsoever. My life is so nonexistant, I want it back. I want my goddamn life back, but how do you find a life which didn't exist to begin with?

It was then I realised I wasn't afraid anymore. Suddenly, I can look at the future and say 'Come on, i'll take whatever you throw at me' with my feet rooted firmly, face against the busting winds. That was when I realised I wasn't a kid anymore, i'm no longer that person who cowered at mention of the future, no longer the person who hid under his blanket. I realised I was 20 this year, and how quick time has passed since then.

Three years of my poly life flashed through my head, and at that moment, I wondered what I was doing all this time. I have no life. I'm looking for it, but I can't find it. Just what the heck am I doing?

After army, i'll be a full fledged adult, ready to take responsibilities, and dish out saikang like no other. I'll do my work without complaints, and take home money like I should. I'll no longer be confined to my home like I am now, i'll no longer have that leisure of lying around staring at the sun setting. I'll no longer have dreams.

So what the hell am I doing with the last few months of my teenagehood? Am I just going to waste them away to this infernal machine? Hell no. I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to live my teenagehood like I never have. I have no idea how i'm going to do that, but i'm going to try. And keep trying, like the last few ounces of my teenage life left depended on it.

Even now, that menancing second hand on the clock keeps going, it never stops. No matter what I do, the time keeps going forward, which is why i'm starting to fear. Suddenly, time seems too short to waste, too little to even count. Time will fly by even before I know it, but if I don't do anything about it now, by the time I realise it, i'll be too old.

So here I go, with the last amounts of teenage spirit left in me. Burst out into the sky and search for belonging, search for freedom, search for something that rekindles my excitement and joy. This is my last voyage as a teenager. The sky never looked so blue before.

Military.

2009-05-04T23:35:00.002+08:00

'Ten-hut!' d._.b Pork and Beans - Weezer.

Argh. This sickness isn't going away, but at the very least, I can taste again. Two days ago, water tasted sterile, yakult tasted revolting, and just about everything tasted bad, including nasi briyani. It was the worst days of my life yet. I feel much better now, though. The upsetting thing, again; it's been one week since I last trained.

As most people already know, I enlist July 9th - two days after my 20th birthday. I'll finally put an end to my lifeless and aimless holiday, and start the next journey of life; into adulthood. After that, my plan is to sign up with the paramedics, and perhaps start my life saving people. There are drawbacks, though. I'll have to retire early, and perhaps find another job. My sister is suggesting to me to get a psychology degree, so that I can have another thing to fall back on.

Sure, that does sound like a good idea. I'll probably have to do part time studying if i'm not intending to use my parents' money though. Might have to work some and study some at the same time, and i'm not too sure I can cope. Of course, the other plan was to migrate to Australia, and perhaps work as a nurse there, alongside my mother.

But that idea isn't quite feasible yet. So i'll have to consider what i'll want to do apart from being a paramedic.

Oh, let's focus on the problem at hand. Army.

To me, I don't think army's that big of a problem, it's something that's imminent, but also something that will tide over in time. All you need to do is rush the thing through, not think about anything, and voila! You're done. Of course, there's the shooting and the grenading and the bunks and the fact that you got field camp. Field camp is the worst of all, my brother tells me, since you have to sleep in your uniform and boots, which you've used to transverse the whole day.

Well, that's BMT. After that comes the shit, where you literally saikang. That's where you can do some real considering for your future endeavours.

I'm not entirely done considering really. I might go back to nursing, but I don't make a good nurse. I mean seriously, my memory work is bad, and i'm bad at organizing my workload. I can't pre-emp things either, so all of that is bad. Which really means nursing is out for me. For the most part. What about paramedics? Well, i'm afraid of failing too, because failing here means someone dying. I keep thinking it's easier, but is it really? No memorywork, more physical work?

People are going to place their faith and hopes in you. The pressure's going to kick in, and you're going to have to syringe out medicine from ampoules, inject patients, insert IV lines and do other crap all in that time. I'm not too sure I can handle all that pressure.. Now I wonder why I joined the healthcare line.

Well, enough ranting for one night. I still feel sick, I should probably go sleep now.

Dream.

2009-05-01T14:45:00.003+08:00

'Surreal dream.' d._.b THE REAL FOLK BLUES - Mai Yamane with SEATBELTS.

They say when you're sick, you tend to have nostalgic dreams. Dreams that are unanswered, dreams that are unfulfilled. I had one such dream yesterday night, and well, it just kind of knocked me over like a windstorm. Perhaps dreams materialize as something that we always want to achieve but are unable to. Here's the plus side; they're only dreams. Probably never real, probably never going to happen.

I've had dreams that take me to a warped up version of our current world. Secondary school mates going to my primary school, a long winding road that seems to lead me back home but never ends, trains that are not ergonomically built (you had to cross a middle train to get to the other side), a bus that rickets back and forth, taking me to a supposedly known place but ending up nowhere..

Yesterday though, yesterday.. it was strange.

I was supposedly walking through an old run down complex, with someone else, I didn't know who he was. He took me into a Lego shop, and he was astonished with all of the Lego models and boxed sets. I just looked at him, and I looked all around. This Lego shop, i've been here before, in another dream. Well, we didn't get anything either, just walked out of the shop. I came across this person selling lots of knives in a metal wire meshed crate of sorts. I was intrigued.

I picked up the knives one by one, and unsheathed one after another, as though looking for that one blade. Then, I found it, a sickle of sorts. The sheath was curved just like the sickle itself, and it slid in perfectly.

Then, we headed down the escalator, and I heard a familiar voice of a girl. And another girl. So, there were two girls altogether. The other guy just kept yapping about something, I couldn't remember what. I bet I wasn't even paying attention since I was more interested in the girl. Then, from the corner of my eye, I saw her. That very same girl.

I didn't want to take another look though, it was too embarassing. I'd only hope she hasn't noticed me; I act nonchalant as the escalator takes me down. We exited the complex, the sky had turned dark, and the streetlights were turned on. The other guy who was with me stopped almost suddenly, and I realised I had to stop with him. I mean, he was probably my friend or something, I couldn't just go ahead without him. Plus, this was a completely unfamiliar environment.

Then I turned around and stared at the street. She came along.

She waved at me, and I just raised my hand and smiled slightly. Then I looked away. She didn't stop though, she just came forward. Then she ran her fingers through the side of my head, pushing back my hair. It felt really comfortable.

Then her boyfriend came along, and she said she had to go. She turned around and smiled as she walked back into the complex with her boyfriend, holding his hand.

At that point, I realised something. This wasn't a dream, this was a nightmare. A nightmare that has already happened. I woke up in my bed with a throbbing headache and a madass fever. Still, I couldn't say that wasn't nice. Once in awhile, it's better to have dreams that embrace what I couldn't, instead of falling over cliffs and mountains.

Dreams, so mysterious. The next time you get a severe fever and headache, look out for those, i'm pretty sure they'll send you into some state of nostalgia. For me, it felt like more of a blessing..

Sickness.

2009-04-30T22:16:00.002+08:00

'Get down with it.' d._.b Mark Ronson Ft. The Daptone Horns - God Put A Smile Upon Your Face.

I've been hit with cough, plus a fever the past two days. While this hasn't really affected my life, since i'm at home all day anyway not doing shit, it's starting to become something of an annoyance. I'm not even really focusing when i'm typing this out, my hearing has become slightly distorted, and I can hardly taste anything. I feel like i'm on weed or something.

The only upsetting thing about all this is - I won't be able to train while i'm under this sickness. Yes, originally I had planned out an awesome training plan with the help of a book and my brother, and I had managed to complete it bit by bit. Now that i'm down with this sickness, I doubt i'll be able to focus. I might just injure myself if I train now, so yeah, that part's really disheartening.

Did I mention I couldn't taste anything? I dipped my index finger into a bowl of salt and placed the whole bit on my tongue. I swallowed the whole thing like it was nothing. Rice tastes like nothing, chicken tastes like nothing, soup tastes like nothing. Meh. The only exception here is water, instead of maintaining it's neutrality, water actually tastes bitter now. Like, what the fuck?

Well, there is one thing that i've come to appreciate; apples. I woke up this morning, in my sloppy-ish dazed and uncoordinated state, and went to take my medicine. After that, I just headed to the kitchen and picked out an apple, gave it a little rinse and took a bite out of it. Suddenly, it seemed to have much more flavour than before. Probably because I can't taste anything else really. But that's what I meant, appreciation.

I still feel slightly shagged out. Cooked some instant noodles just to re-attempt jolting up my taste buds, but it didn't work. The noodles just tasted like... nothing. It was like cooking instant noodles with nothing but the noodles, except I dumped the whole packet of seasoning inside. It tasted better than rice, in any case.

I do hope I can regain my senses back soon, until then though, i'll probably be stuffing apples down my throat and eating plain tofu. Or perhaps instant noodles with no seasoning. Hell, I can probably eat a whole cooked snake now without any worries. Can't taste shit anyway.

That's it for this short post. Remember! Apples taste good.

Care.

2009-04-23T00:04:00.003+08:00

'I have seen some shit there.' d._.b Unretrofied - Dillinger Escape Plan.

As an apology for the completely off-tracked post I did previously, here I am with yet another craptastic post with short notice. Seriously, even now, I have no idea what i'm trying to write then. I wouldn't be surprised though, my subconscious probably took over, as laoda told me, and wrote everything out on the keyboard. I just wrote whatever I was seeing happen then, with the music blaring in the background.

Today, I shall touch on something that people mostly misunderstand. Care.

'I scold you because I care for you.'
'We don't tell on him because he's our friend.'
'Why do you care?'

When you care for someone or something, it definitely means giving some amount of attention to it. Giving some of your time, your very source of life. That's how much you're giving when you care for something. Yet, sometimes people take it for granted. Of course, sometimes you're just not caring, or well, not doing it the way that the other party understands.

If one of my close friends did something punishable by law; possibly sentenced to jailing, but yet only the both of us know, should I tell on him? Depending on the kind of upbringing that you've received, you'll either choose to proceed with not telling, or just saying 'He deserved it' and send his butt to the authorities. Either choice isn't wrong, but personally, i'm the kind of person to report the matter.

You could say i'm kind of a lawful person, everything goes by the law, without the law we'd be savages. People who oppose the law are fools, people who oppose the law only wish to be recognized. None of that appeals to me. But then, I watch Death Note, and I realise the law isn't perfect. It isn't perfect because it's created by humans. Nothing's perfect in the end, but well, who needs it to be perfect for everyone? Just make it perfect for yourself.

Wait, i'm de-railing.

I'll say I report my friend because i'm upholding his interests at heart. He'll need to undergo some kind of rehabilitation, and perhaps change for his future. Yeah, i'll say all that, but perhaps deep down, I might've reported him for other reasons. For making me bear all that burden of his horrid crime, for emotionally blackmailing me. In the end, it's all about myself, it was probably never for the other person. This is how I grew up like.

I learned that I needed to love people. I learned that I needed to show care for people, show them some empathy. Those were the kind words my mother taught me, and I have never forgotten them. I believed that we needed to do good for the sake of it. There wasn't any needed reason for us to make, only because it's right. That was what my mother taught me, and it has served me well. It has given me good friends, and a valuable profession that I can take with me wherever.

Now though, i'm starting to realise that doing good isn't entirely for the benefit for the other party. It's also for my own psychological well-being. I'm doing it for myself, so that people will recognize me. People will thank me for my hard effort, i'll finally be hailed as something of a hero in this modern time and age! That feeling was ecstastic.

Then I realised that feeling started to fade away after awhile. People started thanking you like it was a ritual. It feels good, of course, but not as good as the first time you hear it. Soon, it feels like people are just saying it and not meaning it. I needed new sources of notice.

I started to think, what if we had physical sacrifice? A common enemy wanting to stab someone and you took the hit for them? I thought that would be another way for me to be noticed. The feeling of being stabbed would be nothing compared to the ecstastic-ness. I started dwelling over it, and soon I thought that the world needed war to be able to love.

The world currently is biased against people who are unable to portray their emotions appropriately. Taking physical blows only occurs in drama serials, and hardly anything like that happens in real life. I mean, i'd be surprised, but it's just not common enough. Feeling like a hero with bullets in my chest, would mean nothing though, because there's no feeling of 'high' when you're six feet under. So again, that shit made no sense.

Again, i'm just trying to find a way to express my will and resolve without people just looking at me and saying i'm bullshit or all talk. I want people to recognize me like i'm somebody, somebody important. Starting to sound like a whole lot of Naruto.

Then, I start to wonder what happens if I never make it that far? I'll probably be an idiot and take a five year tour of the great desert and/or himalayas. I'll start believing people will worry about me in the beginning, then i'll soon forget about them, because i'll think they don't really care. Then maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to let go of my current state and find something. Find something finally worth my life. More so than all this hopeless and pointless argument within myself.

Then I zip back, and realise that three hours has passed. And my dreams, still remain as they are. I start to wonder, do I really need to rely on the praises of people to continue living? What if people know of it, they'll attempt to destroy my very entire being. I don't need people. But wait, I do. And i'm stick in this endless waltz.

I've derailed again.

Effectively, i'm probably saying that caring for others is caring for myself. Maybe I didn't de-rail afterall. Where does that leave me, though? Absolutely nowhere. Stuck in the middle of a road marked with tire tracks. Looking for a way out but nobody's around. I can't survive on my own, and yet, I can only love for my own sake. Where do I go from here? I guess I can only move where the tire tracks have been.

Implosion.

2009-04-20T22:51:00.002+08:00

'Emotion. No emotion. Faceless.' d._.b Coming Undone - Korn.

Some people say that the music a person listens to defines his character. Well, i've got nothing to say about that. I enjoy Japanese music, which are mostly upbeat, heavy metal, which involve people screaming about their inner self, jazz, which defines the free flowing spirit, and emotional songs, that encompasses all that is human. Hm, maybe everyone else likes it this way too.

Has anyone else ever experienced that you have an inner self just waiting to explode and be free? Like a massive volcano, or a pimple waiting to burst, or a massive explosion. Your eyelids seep down slowly and you begin to smile, your inner self is waiting to awaken, and it wants to release all that tension within. Of course, I don't feel that at all. Although, i'm pretty sure people have felt that tension within.

Cognitive dissonance is what we all feel when something uneasy is happening within. All humans feel it. This is one way to explain the sudden outbursts of humans; when people have dissonance, they tend to resolve it, almost automatically, uncontrollably. This interests me a whole lot, because with the knowledge, I can either attempt to fight my instinct, or make up an excuse pertaining to it.

One of my biggest cognitive dissonances deals with a certain thing that i've felt never ended properly. Probably because it never started to begin with. The uneasiness creeps up the back of my spine and slowly infects my brain from the bottom up. Soon, the whole thing is engulfed in chaos and unpredictibility. Yet, I am able to maintain my composure, I am able to retain the takeover and resist it. I resolved it. The chaos sucks backward, downwards to the base of my mind, down my spine, and is nonexistent.

It feels like the devil is trying to corrupt me. It feels like God is helping me. It also feels like i'm worthless as a human. Regardless of it all, I inhale all the air that I can, and tense my spine. I stand upright and look beyond the horizon. It is endless; and I am but a scrap of dirt compared to it. Should I keep moving forward? It's not like I have a choice. I continue forward.

All the buildings around me begin collapsing like I thought they would. My eyeballs twitch to the left and right, and note the destruction happening. The debris fills the two sides of the road, the dust unsettling. The moon smiles cynically, sadistically. The stars begin to fall. The chaos rests.

This is what happens during a cognitive dissonance. At least, that's how I perceive it. Destruction happens in our mind, corrosion, erosion, explosions. Things get destroyed, we are left untouched. Apparently, perhaps adrenaline can reduce cognitive dissonances, which is why when people are ecstatic, they don't feel depressed. There's no dissonance.

When people are thrown out of neutrality, they will attempt to get back. That 'will' is what is intriguing the most. A man once survived the desert, doing all the wrong things to survive, all on the will that he didn't want his wife to get everything. He was undergoing a divorce. He reduces his dissonance by surviving, and that's how impressive human will can be.

Amazing. Although we reduce and gain dissonance throughout our days, we don't really realize it. Perhaps the people who can resist the will to gain neutrality from dissonance are really the powerful ones. Regardless...

Listening to music reduces my dissonance. I go into a trance, all my environment is non-existant, and I am engulfed in a world of my own. Until someone calls out to me and I have to stop my mad fantasy.

Insanity? I don't think so. I'm just trying to reduce my dissonance, and explain to everyone else that they're not crazy. We're all just trying to adapt to the new century, our minds are doing a splendid job, but some people can't take it. Don't worry, it's just some dissonance, i'd tell them. It'll reduce its tension; only if you do something about it.

Ah, sweet smell of understanding. I love Korn.

Feel; Existence.

2009-04-12T01:04:00.002+08:00

'How do you know something's there?' d._.b Living in the Shell - Steve Conte.

This is a belated Good Friday post. There's nothing much to say about Good Friday really, it's just a day, a holiday being more accurate. The day before that - Thursday, I went out with Flav and Rick to do more discussion for Cosfest. Well, we couldn't really come up with anything 'cool' so we went with something fun instead. I don't wanna reveal any spoilers so you'll just have to wait till we're closer to Cosfest to find out.

When I was lying down in bed yesterday night, I started wondering; How do you know stuff exists? I know the wind exists because I feel the cool wind blowing against my skin. A relaxing sensation no less. I don't see it but it's there, the wind. What about time? You can't see time, how do you know time exists? When you see things moving of course. When you feel yourself breathing, walking, when you see leaves swaying. As long as things move, time is in motion.

Then came the inevitable question. How do I know God exists? At that moment I paused, just as all time stopped, and stared at my ceiling. Then I blinked, and smiled. Of course God exists. I wouldn't be where I am otherwise.

Then my thoughts jumped to good and bad. How do you know what's good and what's bad? As of late, the theory is such that there is no such moral as good or bad. Because it is impossible to define due to the complex situations that preceed us. In the past, the world only had two colours, black and white. Now, there's friggin' rainbows and gray and shit. It's almost impossible to define right and wrong. Almost.

Perhaps right and wrong is defined by the individual. What's right to you might be wrong to me, and vice-versa. But I came to another realization, there IS right and wrong. Throw in the universal language, and you have your answer. The universal language is one that can be understood by every human. Expression and emotions can be used to transfer a message just as effectively as speech can. The universal language lets people predict the next outcome.

The universal language also allows us to define right from wrong.

Say, basic things such as morality can come into place with the universal language. When people smile, it's good, right? And when people feel oppressed and down, it's bad. That's as black and white as it gets. You want to up the good as much as you can and down the bad. Nothing else matters. In a firefight though, everything happens so quickly it's almost impossible to deduce right from wrong. People go berserk and start becoming savages.

At the end of the day, if we can let our children smile and appreciate the sky, I think that's an enough reason for us to win a firefight. What about the other party? They may not get the same happiness we do. I'd say 'Well better us then them.' but really, in the end according to the universal language, nothing is solved. There needs to be peace and understanding between two parties for good to exist.

I realised then, it was better not to think so much, and just went to sleep.

Of course, there really was no point to thinking. I just wanted to feel like i've explored a part of morality people hadn't. When I think about it though, it really makes no difference. When a person is pointing a gun pointblank at my face, does morality matter at all? It doesn't. All he needs to do, is wiggle his index finger and he'll take all my existence along with me.

I pray that day doesn't happen. At least, I wouldn't feel like thinking so much is wasted on a single bullet. Well, that's all for now. Just felt like updating.

300.

2009-04-05T16:17:00.002+08:00

'This post marks 300. 300 entries.' d._.b Smile Like You Mean It - Killers.

Finally finished the Soul Eater series. While it touched alot on insanity, the final episode was dedicated fully to the factor that nullifies insanity. Although, the ending wasn't exactly what i'd call a full fledged finisher, it's still worth a watch. Your typical shounen whoopass anime, with a loose plot that doesn't really fit altogether. Somehow, it just feels like bits and pieces scattered all over. But well, it's finished and done with.

Laoda has mentioned that most of my posts of late speak of thoughts that I will presume are out of this world. The air of superiority that I shower upon this blog with my words and the negative resentment from everyone else that comes along with it. I mentioned before that this blog would only make sense to me in the end, because I would like to see how far i've progressed since last time. How stupid I was. To be honest, I don't see much of a difference.

I still consider this place my ground. The place where I can swear at almost everything, without going politically out of hand, and still maintain this composure. I don't believe that people are reading this blog, because that will change the way I blog. Henry told me this, and that was why he didn't publicize his blog whatsoever. Yet, when I think about it, all I really want to do is let people read this in the end. That's the only way to get rid of my dissonance, isn't that right?

I'm always thinking i'll do it myself. Nobody will know. Nobody will have to know. But all of that gets reflected back here, and the whole world can see how filthy it is at the eclipsed section of my mind. So, have I succumbed to what i've been wanting to prevent in the first place? I really don't know. That's my answer to most things. It's neutral, it shows that I probably have more than one answer, it shows my superiority. I like it.

In the end, i'll drive everyone away in hope that people will come back. But even an animal, when driven away with force, will be instilled with fear the next time it encounters the same situation. It will run away. So, I look around and i'll realise that there's no one around, and i'll wonder where has everyone gone. And i'll realise I have a hammer in one hand, and nails in the other. I did it. I drove everyone away.

Someone once called me a durian. I didn't understood what he meant, but then he described it. He may have a tough shell, he may even prick you, but deep down inside, he's really nice. I believed him, but after watching Shrek in class, I decided I was more of an onion. There's nothing within an onion, only layers upon layers of unfeeling and protection from the unkind words of others. I exist only to bring tears to others.

What is the point of existence then? Most people don't answer it. Not because they have multiple answers, but because they don't.

Then, I leant that humans didn't need to exist. We just need to do what we're put here to do. Anything more than that is worthless thought that we put into our egocentric and narcissistic self. I leant we didn't need to think more than what was needed. That intelligence was in fact, a complete waste of time because it was a toil on my brain cells. I threw it all away, and began talking to people.

In the end, it all comes right back. I'll continue driving people away, people will continue walking away, and i'll resolve back into my hollow shell of nothing, imagining the perfect world for myself to live in, imagining everything that isn't real. I'll say that i'll do it all by myself, and i'll start relying on my brain. My brain, to give me wonderful pleasures, to allow me to fly, to grant me wings, to give me power. Doing this all alone.

My ideas never materialize. And soon I wish to run away from this 'perfect world' that i've created within my head. I become desperate for my friends again. Eventually, they become my coping mechanism for running away from the perfect world. How ironic, that it was the other way not too long ago. Where am I now? Somewhere between falling into the gutter and avoiding it entirely.

I turned to an alternative source of 'perfection'. Power. Hoping that it'll grant me peace, regardless of whether i'm alone or not. It works fine for a good two hours. The adrenaline my body produces surges me with energy, leaving my mind blank and tired to think of anything else. The natural euphoria that humans feel, without the help of drugs or third party tools. It works for awhile. At least that's something.

At Cosfest, i'll be able to be someone else for a day. Who will I be then? Nobody, but does that matter? Nope. Because everyone will accept that i'm that character instead of myself anyway. Flashing away at their camera, without a care or thought. I too, enjoy those moments of invincibility, where I don't have to focus on anything but a decent smile or frown on my face.

So here I am. Not much different from four years ago, but definitely more expressive. Does that help? I don't know.

I was born introverted. I was born only to think for myself. Television and cartoons taught me otherwise. Friends taught me otherwise. They told me I needed to care for other people. I needed to put in effort for any kind of relationship to work. Yet, I always knew that deep down, i'd only have friends for my own relief. Does that matter? To them, maybe. To me, well, no. It's shameful to admit such a disgusting revelation, but it's the truth.

We do things for ourselves in the end. We forgive people for our own wellbeing. I choose to save others because it gives me comfort that i'll live my life more so than any other person. But what does saving people accomplish? Nothing but for myself. My own wellbeing.

Off I go. I'll prance into the sunset, stay awake during the eclipse, and sleep when everyone is awake. A perfect world without anybody, a perfect world without myself. A perfect world...that never existed.

Power.

2009-03-25T22:31:00.002+08:00

'Seek it, taste it, enjoy it.' d._.b Mad World - Gary Jules.

I haven't been doing much lately. Don't bother wondering, because all i've been doing is living in my own world, drawing inspiration from the simplicity that is. One thing that has grasped my interest though, is power. Now, a technical person like my brother (not so, really), calls power strength plus speed. A person such as myself, calls power something that everyone seeks, something that can be obtained as long as you want to.

Maybe wanting isn't enough. Maybe you have to spend effort to get it. I don't know. All around me people are getting on in life, and here I am sitting in this chair, typing letter after letter, pressing the keys down, noting the clapping sounds they make. It appears I haven't yet let go of the past. The past where everyone recognizes me as someone else, the past which I can't erase even though I know i'm not that way anymore.

Before I take a trip down memory lane, sometimes I wonder myself..

Are friends my excuses to escape everyday pains which I will inevitably get drowned in one day?

Did I score well in the O' levels because I believed that everyone else sucked?

Am I typing this because I want people to see it?

Is everyone moving onward but myself?

Does 'darkness' continue to exist as part of my id?

Would I kill someone if the law didn't exist?

Am I really nothing compared to other people?

The answer to most of these questions, I don't know. It's those kind of questions which I can never answer, as logical as I get with it, deducing everything down to simple selfish needs and wants. Does it matter, though? I don't think so. I can live with the lack of these questions in my head. But do I? Maybe.

In the end, how I answer the questions doesn't matter. How many friends I make doesn't matter. In the end, it's how I look at myself, and how I look at myself looking at the world. I could hate the whole damn world but i'll still regress into my current state, knowing that dying is out of the option. Then, i'll just forget about everything, because nothing matters.

This is what happens when your mind is free from stupid and devoid things. It becomes stupid and devoid itself.

I keep telling myself that I don't need anyone to see me through this phase because I know i'll just seep into it again in the end. I'll just live with it, because I know it doesn't affect me a whole lot.

During secondary school days, I was a nobody. I feel disgusted with myself now that I keep thinking back to those days when I have much brighter ahead. When I keep regressing about how much I sucked back then and how much i've changed now, and people won't see who I am. So much so, it becomes like a song repeating in your head, a song that keeps chanting the lament which eventually just sticks to the wall of your mind. It becomes a part of it.

I pretty much proved every damn person in the school wrong when I got my results. I can even go as far to say I whooped everyone's fuckin' ass in class even though I was a nobody. Without the help of chinese. See, it's just a language, anyone can score in language, it makes things much easier. But I didn't use it, and my damn teachers can go to hell for mocking me because I sucked at it.

Pointless, really, this repeating cycle. Like a record player, spinning a record over and over. I hear it so much I just chuckle to myself and wonder if life is just like that song, repeating itself over and over. Until it eventually wears out and dies. And all it was... was just a record player. Spinning records, the same song on replay mode over and over.

Power. I think if I seek this, maybe the scratching sounds from the record will stop. Maybe the record will stop. Maybe the music will stop playing, and all i'll hear is my heart beat, thud after thud. Maybe it'll turn so quiet I can hear myself breathing. Maybe I don't need to scream to hear myself anymore.

Perhaps it is the thing to end all nightmares. Power. I lust after it.

And no, I don't expect anyone to read this either, it's the same song repeating on the record, right? You've all heard this one before. It's pointless.

Random Select.

2009-03-14T23:18:00.002+08:00

'Pouring out thoughts like water.' d._.b Strength - Abingdon Boys School.

As of recent, i've been hanging out with Flav again. Maybe because we two are just like bored birds in separate trees, and why separate when we can go cause some havoc together? Riiight. Anyway, I think there's a deeper reason why we hang together rather than just wanting to create some chaos and get high. I think because we're trying to help each other shoulder the burden of responsibility.

My internet has been out for two weeks, yeah it's going off and on. But it's finally fixed, because I finally went out to get a replacement modem (which, by the way was the ACTUAL problem, no thanks to StarHub), yet not alone. Flav accompanied me, like the old days, it was a little hard to spark a conversation after all these months, but after the first few words flew out, the rest came like a brown sewage pipe.

Today, I went out with him to the IT show. I'm not a particularly big fan of crowded places, but well, a chance to create more havoc! And get high! Why not?

So we went, and almost suffocated and died in the process, but yeah. We're alive and well, so that really ends all that. Oh, and he finally got a TV too. Heheh.

I'm not gonna go into details, but it seems like we're both taking on bigger tasks at our own pace. Taking some responsibility bit by bit like adults have to. Soon, we'll have to manage our own finances, our own property, stuff like that, but let's end the nightmare right there. At the stage we are now, it's better to dream. Dream each day away as we revoke the thought of being adults.

Today in church, I had a realisation. I wanted to be a teacher. Don't get me wrong, it's just a random thought in my head, and I wouldn't dare say I won't back down from any challenges, because I just might. Kids these days are horrendous, and i'd rather not think about those things. I want to be a teacher because they need someone to guide them. Parents nowadays (stereotyping), they don't really pay much attention to their kids.

But a teacher, better yet a substitute one, has the ability to let kids dream. Just let them know that all their secrets are kept between those four walls, and that they can express themselves any way they like in there, as long as it's not too profane. Even a simple lesson will feel like some mini adventure, because it's something that they'll all share with each other in time to come.

And when kids tell me their problems, I won't report them. I'll do something about it myself, and for the most part, I hope i'll be mature enough to do the right thing. I draw inspiration from GTO, but I seriously doubt I can be anything close to that fellow.

Believe. That's what I learnt in church today. The greatest ability that we can give to people, is to bring out their best within. Saying stereotyping things like 'He's always like that, he'll never change' is not going to help anyone. Are we going to stand by and mock people when they're at their lowest morale? That makes us worse than them, and we should rethink our thoughts.

I want to believe in people. I want to bring out the best in people. Because as long as people have that basic instict to survive, i'm sure they're capable of so much more. And sometimes, they don't know it. I'm just an ordinary person on the road if I don't help people that least. I won't even call myself a friend. I want people to be happy about themselves, that they can do something others cannot.

As such, I aspire to be a teacher. Kids need people to believe in them. They need people to know they can do things. They need people to tell them that they're good at it, and that they can do much better if they just improved on all those flaws. Yes, constructive critism should not be taken lightly, because it is the fastest sure win way to polish someone's abilities.

To first find a solution, we must find a problem, correct?

Teachers amaze me. For some reason or another, I believe that nursing and teaching are very close in similarity. You all agree with me right? When teachers see their students become better at their books, in life, they're happy. When nurses see patients improving in their condition, they're happy. See the common link yet? We're the profession that draws strength from the people we serve.

And my bet is as long as you have this quality within you, you can survive anywhere in the world, because you can either be a nurse or a teacher. This is how powerful that will is. And no matter how bad your skills are as a nurse, or how bad your intellect is as a teacher, people will still be moved by your blunt confidence. People will still see that you're different from other people. They'll keep you because they know the people you serve love you.

Like christians love Jesus, as He served us.

In the end, it's all just a realization that i'm already living my life as a christian. Drawing strength from the gratitude of the people I serve. Just like Jesus endured hanging from the cross when He could choose not to.

This is my time to repay Him, and everyone else. I feel good about myself when I help people. I'll bluntly say it. It doesn't mean i'm a hypocrite, and it doesn't mean people should be ashamed to receive my help. I'm just happy doing it. And it'll probably stay that way for a long, long time.

Farewell, fellow readers. I hope you've learnt something here.

Even if you haven't, it's alright, i'd post this anyway.

5laughter.

2009-03-08T16:08:00.000+08:00

‘Welcome to insanity.’ d._.b Zetsubou Billy – Maximum the Hormone.

Well, this entry is actually originally typed out in Microsoft Word, since my internet is being a stupid bitch, and I screwed up somewhere between the chain link of possible problems. Long story to tell, so I’ll cut it short. No internet until the technician comes by. Well, not like that’s a bad thing. I’m doing one final test on the modem before I consider it dead for good.

Anyway, onto today’s entry.

Do people know what insanity is? No, don’t imagine the IMH. Don’t even imagine people going crazy and screaming. I want to paint a picture in your mind that is so common, you’re going to think I’m ‘joking’. The Joker. Sounds familiar? Yeah, that villain from ‘The Dark Knight’, one of the greatest, if not, movies of 2008. That dude was some insane shit mixed up altogether. I think that’s how the real life Joker would’ve been portrayed.

Insanity…is just a term people use to call the deviants of society. I think I’ve touched on this point before.

Well, I’ll do it again for the sake of the new people reading, and for the refreshment of all the regulars. For the regular people, a normal way of life here is when we don’t cause any physical harm or psychological harm to others. Though the latter is a little bit hard to discern in some situations. Yes, but causing physical harm without any malicious intent would lead to the guilty not being accused of real assault. Because he has no control over his actions, correct?

Let me simplify the three planes of thought that go through our mind when we are faced with a nerving situation, and when I say that, it means anything that affects us and we keep thinking about it. Those things that we keep pondering over, like what we could’ve done back then to resolve the issue, what we could’ve done that might’ve changed the outcome of the situation. What might have been an accident, caused without any real intent.

The three planes are the superego, the ego, and the id.

And next, let’s go with a simulated example. Let’s say you really hate that one person, because he’s done lots of shit to you, made your life miserable, in order to make his less so. You really wanna slap this man over and over till he yells for you to stop, and you know you won’t, you’ll just keep hitting him and smile while you do it, because it’s lessening your grief.

Now, you’re just imagining this happening.

Let’s start with the ego. The ego is known as the parent kind of thought. It is the most conscious thought, because you’ll get this plane of thought almost immediately when faced with situations. It has to do with morals and values, and is probably most consistent with the feelings of others. Because of the social impact that will come out of your action, you’re not gonna hit him. For example, you might go to jail, or your parents might be disappointed, stuff like that.

And next, let’s move to the id. Now, the id is the scariest part of your mind, the recesses of it. It is mostly unknown to the conscious mind, and is known as the child kind of thought. You’re only thinking of yourself when you’re talking id, because the id only lives to sustain the most basic needs of life itself. Can’t see how this links to the example? Let’s just say the id’s all for socking that poor fellow, all to relieve that psychological trauma that he’s caused you. It’s true, hitting people relieves the pressure on our mind, because you don’t have to think much while doing it. And even imagining it itself is sometimes enough to calm you down. Remember, like a child. You’re only thinking of yourself when your id is active.

Finally, the superego. Now, I’m not sure what this is exactly. It’s probably a kind of final random integer that we add into the equation. A control of sorts, that decides what happens after everything is summed up. The superego is a kind of self control, a mechanism that you use to finalize the action. Whether you’re gonna slap that poor bugger or not depends on this mechanism, as the final drawback point.

Now, I’m not going to go into morals and values for this post, because that would affect the state of mind that I’m trying to get into. The three planes work together to keep your brain in it’s most comfortable state. Some feel that it’s wrong to hit people, but if you keep all your emotions repressed, your id is only going to suffer. On the other hand, if you hit that sucker, your id is going to be released of all that suppressive hate, but what could happen? Let’s say you might kill that person. Your whole life is gone, regardless of whether your id is settled or not. Also, you might suffer a moral conscience after that. Having an ‘innocent’ man’s blood on your hands is not a nice thing.

The conclusion? Well, you’re just imagining right? So what could go wrong? Nothing, well, nothing changes either. You’re just going to keep getting stepped on, and over and over until you do something about it. So, what?

I can’t tell you that, you’ll have to figure it out for yourself. And depending on how big your ego is, whether a plane of thought or just plain pride, it might take awhile, or a very long time.

See? Psychology pays off.

So, let’s finally answer that question. The question that I couldn’t answer before.

‘Why did you join nursing?’ (This is basically ‘Why do you choose to help people?’)

Ego: ‘Because my mother is a great inspiration. Because you don’t need a reason to help someone. Because God says that we have to go help people. Because I want to pay back all those sins that I’ve committed.’

Id: ‘Because I want a sense of belonging and self-acceptance. I want people to know I’m existent, I want people to know that I’m someone. I can do something, regardless of what it is. I’m helping people for the sake of myself. I want people to accept me so that I can know I’m alive, so that I can accept myself.’

Superego: Effectively, the superego says nothing, it is only the random integer that is a compilation of all the events up to date which is unfortunately, too hard to calculate because of small events. Basically the thing that defines humans.

A perfect answer I have found, without any form of bias or self-righteousness.

Get it? Perfect. In all simplicity, we don’t need the superego at all to perform. But it is what defines us as humans.

Still don’t understand? Here’s a goddamn summary.

+ve (Ego) Control (Superego) -ve (Id)

Ego and Id are the two extreme points, and the superego tries to keep them under balance. Too much of one end could lead to a possible mental breakdown.

Did I mention that the Joker’s id has run amok in his head, allowing him to believe that his ego is still existent by creating a faux? He derives no pleasure from killing people, he just wants to play and challenge Batman. The perfect creation of man himself. Perhaps a new kind of person to survive the coming millennia.

Welcome to Meru’s playground. Oh wait, Meru isn’t here.

Self Realisation.

2009-02-26T05:22:00.002+08:00

'Bleed out my sins.' d._.b THE REAL FOLK BLUES - Mai Yamane with SEATBELTS.

When I got home yesterday, I was very sick. My throat was sore, and clogged up with tons of phlegm. I just decided to go to bed early, since the internet connection was still being a bitch, and I wasn't feeling too well, with headaches and shit. Then I realised I could self-medicate, I suppose nursing hasn't taught me too little. Popped two 'Dequalinium' tablets and slept, woke up now and popped a 'Fluimucil'.

Of course, I can't sleep now, I don't know why. Maybe i'm too alert or something, anyway, this is a good time to catch up with my blogging. I think it's been what, twelve days since I last blogged?

Lately, I read a catholic article on relationships (well, more like wanking), and it gave me some new insight into my life now. You see, everyone is talking about girlfriends and boyfriends these days, and there's a reason why i'm still not attached. Or rather, why i'm not even trying. There lies a deep underlying reason, that's so plain obvious but was never noticed.

I'm a boy cooped up at home most of the time. I never go out to see the world. Perhaps I joined nursing to change my lifestyle a little bit, but in the end as you can see, nothing is really working. So, what do I do at home the whole day? I'm on the internet. A ficticious world that doesn't really exist but it's there. It's not real but it's existence is plain obvious. I'm using the internet as a substitute for going out.

Where does a computer addict like me get his perks then? Games of course. I play all day, all night. Sleep when I feel sleepy, eat when I feel hungry, bathe every night before I go to bed. Life becomes so repetitive that there's no meaning to it. I feel like I 'blotched' life itself, and theory-wise, that's not exactly possible unless you die.

And of course, if i'm stuck in this world, then what happens to my-self in the real world? My body becomes just a host. A host for all my thoughts and emotions and my soul. Because it has no other purpose, my hair's pretty long now but I can't give a shit about it, i'm going to NS soon but I can't seem to give a crap about training, stuff like that. I feel like there's no more purpose out there.

Of course, sexual-wise as well, I indulge in fantasies that can never happen in real life. This causes an illusion that life is really just a bed of roses. Fact is, it's not. It's never a bed of roses because of people. If I get a wife in the future, she may not have the greatest body, nor the greatest ideals. She may not be able to cook (oh dear God I hope not), and not know a single thing about parenting, or household chores. Life is gonna suck like that, because that's life. It's not perfect.

I'm not going to wake up and find food all ready for me on the table, I may have to take care of myself when i'm sick, and God forbid, I may have to kill people just to survive. In the end, I have to start accepting all these facts of life before I can actually accept myself into this world, and with that, a girlfriend whom I can accept no matter what, as long as she has love.

But until I suck myself out of this loophole, i'm gonna be stuck with 'hentai' and shits that aren't real. The disturbing realisation of all NEETs (Not in Employment, Education or Training) is that the life they live isn't really life at all. It's a fantasy fabricated by man himself, whose purposes are unknown. If I don't know the purpose, I cannot find a reason to excuse myself from this fake world.

In fact, why dwell in the real world when the fake has so much more wonderful things to offer?

Simple answer. In order to improve ourselves, we have to pit our bodies and souls against life itself. We will never fight strong enough foes in the internet because it's all bullshit. It's not real. People can't hug you through the internet, people can't show emotion through the internet, it's not something used to substitute life. It's a world made by man, for man. To escape the dreadful clutches of reality, to dream forever.

And one man who has made me realise this is Rick, because he has stuck on to reality for as long as I know. No, we didn't have any long emotional talks, we didn't talk about anything regarding this as far as I know. The only thing that truly triggered it was when he asked me this simple question.

'Mel, what kind of girls do you like?'

And it hit me. Really hard. Fact is, I could say i'd like any girl with a good soul and good morals/values, but I know i'd be lying to myself.

I still can't accept flaws as of now. Not my own, definitely. Now I know why I seeked perfection in the past. It's the perfect reflection of the internet world and ours.

These three years of my life, it took three goddamned years to make me understand this shit.

*sigh*. Well, here comes the pause and divider. ~~~~~

A few things made me realise that life was almost a bed of roses to me especially when COMPARED to other people. Yes, the word is compared.

'Eh, check account see whether money come in or not.' - Nabil
'Oh ya, I know because my bank account has no money inside.' - Rick

And you know, even if our boss decides not to bank in our cash, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Because I had a whopping four digit amount of cash inside my bank account. I know Bil needs his money to pay for his motorbike license and get an actual motorbike, and Rick needs money to pay school fees. He's actually relying on that wad of cash the government is giving us for GST increases.

I never had money problems. Both my parents never drink, never smoke, never gamble. My mother's a nurse, no complains about being jobless for that, my dad too, works in the government sector, and even if he didn't i'd still feel safe, because he's one man who doesn't give up finding a job, especially that time when he got retrenched. My sister has a good office job with MOE, and my brother is going to be a great physiotherapist one day. My family is so well secured, i'm just taking everything for granted by drifting into the non-existent world.

Not to mention we all maintain fairly good ties with each other as well.

So there's really no problem with my family. If I was a patient, what would they attribute this sickness to? There's no other factors, the only reason why I want to remain in this perfect world is because i'm selfish. I don't want to experience life because it's not a bed of roses.

That's why I believe the army will prepare me for life's challenges from hell for the years ahead.

I've deduced so much, didn't think I still had it in me. But deducing's one thing, moving ahead is another. How can I pull myself out of this hole? Number one is to stop fapping to hentai and shit, that stuff ain't healthy. Second, is to leave my house more and see the world and all it's misery. And third, is to make good friends who I can compare my life to, and to reflect on my own, and perhaps be able to help them along the way.

This is the post made by Meru from the void. I hope it reaches any NEET out there, hopefully this can change their life a little bit.

Valentine.

2009-02-12T22:14:00.002+08:00

'Nothing. Nothingness. Empty.' d._.b Unretrofied - Dillinger Escape Plan.

Two days away from Valentine's Day. One and a half weeks since holiday started. I'm still here rotting away doing nothing. People tell me that I should go work, get some cash then buy what I want to. From the looks of things, I doubt i'll need a job, because I don't need to buy anything, nor have anything to spend them on. Not that it matters anyway, I can just rot till I go serve National Service.

And what of my friends? I don't know. Rick got a job the last I heard. Jona and Flav are still going through school, exams round the corner. Lex and Chris probably still head back to school once in awhile, for god knows what. Haven't heard much from Bil and Jub, still doing rugby, I suppose. I'm just rotting here typing all this but i'm sure you already know that.

Ah, valentine's day. Don't we all love valentine's day? I remember a year back, I used to call this day the day of hypocrites. Of course, i've changed my view since then, and I find it a terrific holiday. Of course, we don't get day offs for it because it's not really official, but i'm sure all of us know deep down that it's a special day for everyone. To be honest, i'm not sure myself how valentine's day came about. I know St. Valentine founded it, he died on the day, but what did he die protecting?

Every valentine's day, I sit at home and.. you guessed it, rot.

There was one valentine's when I actually went out, to school probably. Like before, there's no official holiday for valentine's day. And I saw people holding gigantic teddy bears, roses, even bouquets. 'A waste of time.' I'd tell myself, because all these people will just chuck those things aside sooner or later.

Perhaps I don't understand still. Maybe valentine's day is an official day to proclaim your love for another person without being judged. Maybe it's a day for couples to truly express their love for each other. Maybe it's a social event for desperate people. Maybe it's all of it, wrapped up together in one convenient holiday for all of us.

Not to mention the horrible commercialization of it. It's just like christmas. And when someone sees another person buying something for his loved one, he'll go ahead and do the same. Them companies must be making heaps of money from brokeass people. Is love really blind? Or are these people just willing to spend all their precious money on something that may never be theirs? Maybe they're just willing and try to find out.

I'm just a sad sack of beans. Everyday, I sit down and look at people trying to create love, and I piss on that idea. I think it's all bullshit because I believe that people at our ages are more contented having social attention than to have commitment. There is one person who has proven me wrong though. That one person is Rick.

Despite having his relationship on an uneasy piece of cotton dangling dangerously over boiling oil, he refuses to step off it. He has undergone more pains than anyone I have ever known to make a relationship work. Sacrificed more than anyone, gone through more lengths than anyone. I've never seen anyone who gave more of a hoot about relationship than himself.

That's why I believe I can trust the man, i'll make every penny worth believing him.

But this isn't about a presidential vote, this is about valentine's day, the stupid people who worship society, and the stupid me who's swearing at them.

*sigh*

I guess i'm just someone who can never truly be happy. Because when I find something good for once, another thing pops up, and destroys any traces of happiness found in my head. Well, so be it. I was born this way. I was never ignorant of the things around me (except my chinese teachers), and I will never go back on myself.

Maybe valentine's day is worth something to the social people. But to people like me, and my brother, this day is nothing but a blalant failure. I suppose no one else truly understands because they themselves hope to get a valentine on that day. Sounds splendid. But i'm not going to chase something anymore. I've wasted too much time doing that. All i've done is run in the end, I was never chasing after something.

Valentine's day is a hoax. I don't believe in it. For those of you who do, don't bother proving it, i'd be happy if I could believe in it myself, the fact is I can't.

And I won't.

'You're no angel.'
'But I am an angel.'
'What?'
'Oh silly you, i'm an angel of death.'

*screams*

Run.

2009-02-09T23:20:00.002+08:00

'I enjoy running.'

The Prodigy - Voodoo People (Pendulum Remix).

Video speaks for itself. Will you run?

Lifeless Attachment.

2009-02-09T03:18:00.002+08:00

'Afterlife?' d._.b Carry On - Kurosawa Kenichi.

And yet, another person passes on to the world beyond our own. I swear, every three months and someone I know dies. So much so that life seems so fragile, so accursed, that there's no point in going on anymore. What a lie, though. Everyone knows nurses get over deaths so quickly you'd believe they don't care about the deceased. Of course, we still do, it's just hard to believe.

Lately, i've begun thinking about the existence of a heaven or hell. I asked Flav a few years back, where would he go after he die? And his answer was simple, he didn't know. Fact is, I didn't care about it back then, but as of recent, I think it's actually some benefit not knowing. Or is there?

Fact is, if I didn't know about heaven or hell, i'd just live my life the way it was. I wouldn't think of becoming a nurse, I wouldn't think of helping people. Because in my natural state, I don't believe I need to do that at all. But if you pop in a simple word named 'religion', i'd throw all my emotions away and begin doing what I wouldn't be doing in the beginning, helping people.

True, the word 'help' is so subjective that you'd think what I do is useless. I'm just assuming the least of what you think of me, and of this blog. But 'help', to me means to ease the tensions within people. Lessen their pains, their stresses, their distraught, be it mentally or physically. True, I don't do it all the time, that kind of makes me a hypocrite, but i'm human too, right? Does that deserve some kind of excuse..?

In life, we can choose whatever we want to be. People with no attachments like myself.. in the end, we can't be happy with whatever we're doing. We will never be happy with what we're doing. It's like there's no future for us, because we'll get tired of everything anyway, no sense of achievement, no sense of fufilment. In the end we'll just rot away into nothing.

Why did I become a nurse? Because I wanted to feel that I am of some use as a human. Prior to becoming a nurse, I thought myself as a worthless human. I had no skills given to me at birth, nothing that I can survive with, anyway. Nothing but a high level of tolerance of whatever I was doing. People never understood that I was telling the truth. Never understood that I was different from the rest.

I hated secondary school. Because everyday, teachers would scold us, and deep down I know I did nothing wrong. They generalize everyone, i'm surprised I could get good grades to begin with. Back then, I only believed in myself. I believed that I could get good grades, I relied on myself because teachers were too busy scolding for things I didn't do. Of course, those who rose above the rest looked beyond our flaws and taught us relentlessly. I learnt from them.

As a nurse, humans are our job. Everday, we deal with people, and sometimes they all convey a universal language that we fail to explain but yet comprehend.

Looking back, i'm pretty damn sure i've explored such a widespan of human life that I don't believe i'm without attachments anymore. Everytime I do something, I feel that something else will be affected. Because of that, i'm afraid to do that something.

I will forever be afraid of change. Change comes in many ways, but the worst thing that comes with it is adaptation. To re-adapt is one of life's worst challenges. If I can conquer this fear, then perhaps I can go where I want to, where I need to go.

As a summary, this post is filled with random crap that flows into my head. Along with the emotions that surge as I remember each incident and event. Some that disgust me, others that make me feel isolated. All back to those days, those days without childhood, those days without darkness.

And those days with it. This post makes no sense. Neither do I.

Disintegrate.

2009-02-06T03:26:00.002+08:00

'Wasting away.' d._.b Paper Moon - Tommy Heavenly6.

It's been exactly a week since I last blogged. Since my posting ended. Since I began my endless wander with no aim. I have no idea what i'm going to do in the future, I have no idea what's going to happen after this. I just want to dream and wait for something to happen, and deep down I know nothing's going to happen. Unlike some others who have to start working from March or April, i'm free till August (or later) for my National Service.

Somehow, I think my feeling of emptiness rivals, or even outshines their feelings of dread. It's bittersweet, really.

Last year, or even the year before, bunch of us had this plan to go be paramedics, and screw nursing over. Now, I was really serious about this fact, because I never liked nursing the time I was here. I mean, patient interaction and being able to empathize was the best part of nursing. I just didn't like the way the system was. Then again, I could never come up with a better system, so I think i'll just avoid it.

Here we are two years later, and most of them have already signed on with the hospital. I'm left in the lurch here wondering what to do next. I know, my friends shouldn't matter if i'm to make a decision concerning my future, but somehow it just feels like an inability. I can't make a decision.

Despite ruling out all pros and cons of each job (well maybe not all, most), I still can't make a decision. Being a paramedic is great and all, but there's not much prospects in the future. The inability to practice this overseas, the short term retirement age of fifty.. I'm not too sure about it now. Of course, there's always signing on with the army, but there sure is hell no prospect there.

The other factor that I have to chuck into here is my life's values. What have I learnt so far? And why did I join nursing to begin with? Of course, it's to help, save people. But if you truly believe what i've just said, then you've just believed a lie. Because I joined nursing for my own sake. Perhaps to make some use of myself, a retrospective view of a useless fellow finally becoming of some use to people. Nursing made me feel good about myself.

I need to further these feelings of helping people, that zealous overbearing feeling of wanting to help people no matter what. I like that feeling, it gets me all hyped up. People ask me how I cope with others dying. Fact is, I don't. You win some, you lose some. People who don't make it, why bother with feelings of regret and failure? True, I do feel a little sadness because i've taken care of that patient, but ultimately, don't we all get used to our feelings?

As a paramedic, this boundary will be even more heightened. Wanting to save people will come at a price, the failure of not being able to. But i'd rather not think of it right now, and perhaps once believe in myself, without any concrete proof. I want to believe I can still help and save people no matter what happens. That expression of hope that you see in the face of people as their life begins slipping away. I want to see that. I want to see more of it and be grateful i'm able to help.

Comforting them even as they're in pain, overlooking their condition and just letting them hope. Hope that there's brighter days ahead while they're bleeding and broken today.

But let's be practical here. At fifty years old, i'm gonna need to retire, what then?

What if my family chooses to migrate overseas? I'd be jobless then.

What if I don't improve over the next these next thirty years and still have crap salary? I won't even retire in peace.

But if I join nursing, I can have all these secured. Secured plus a confirmed upgrade of rank.

Thing is, I don't ever want to become a nurse. I want to help people my own way, not the way my mother did. Not the way people think i'd help people because i'm my mother's son. I want to defy this logic, I want to go where no one else in my family has gone, and yet fufil my life's destiny. Perhaps I should just take the risk and join without any qualms or regret.

Oh mother, if only you had let me become a graphic artist, this wouldn't be one of life's problems. Still, i'm rather proud of myself for becoming a nurse. It's more than just a job, nursing seeps into your life like water seeping into soil. Slowly creeping into your heart. It's not the job that's hard, it's the emotional toil.

I'm finally free. But am I really? The future is so uncertain.

Yet life feels like a dream.

Deadline.

2009-01-30T01:38:00.002+08:00

'There is no future. No past.' d._.b Mi.e.na.i.chi.ka.ra - Home Made Kazoku.

Yesterday was the last day of the dreaded PRCP. To be honest, at the end, it didn't feel all that bad, though I probably wouldn't want to re-live through those days again. The endless dream that finally ends, awakening me from the slumber that is life. My three years spent here.. finally over. I'll pass out as a Registered Nurse soon, I can find a job after that with this.

Today was pretty eventful. I didn't know why, normally the last day of something you'd anticipate would really pass by slowly, but today passed by just like any other day. Quick, and without stalling. There was a little something different today, though. A way to 'wrap' things up.

Awhile back, I admitted this patient into the ward. I did his admission and stuff. His legs were swelled up really badly then, and he had difficulties walking. Not so much a talkative person, his family was quite demanding in a sense that they acted like nurses were their personal maids. Asking us a simple chore of transferring him from the chair to bed, and simple things. Not even willing to learn.

He was on albumin for as long as I remember. I even have a bottle with me now, this was transfused to him back then. SN Lawrence explained about albumin treatment to me, and I kept this bottle as a memento. That was the time I felt inspired to study. I don't really remember what he came in for, because I was hardly in that room. The few times that I were, I didn't really know my cases that well. Probably because of the shift in environment, no excuses, though.

It was a fine morning. Yesterday, I was still in my usual room, not where this particular patient was. I just went about doing my normal routines, bringing patients to the toilet, assisting them with certain things. Then came the shocker. That patient had passed away. So silent, so quickly. Seeing as how I hadn't done any 'last offices', I requested to help out.

T'was the first time I handled a dead body. It felt really no different from a lump of dead meat. But this man was once alive. He was in the morning, he was yesterday, and all the days before. I know this man, and now he's lying here, motionless, not a word coming from his mouth. His legs were no longer swelled up due to the albumin replacement, but that no longer mattered. He was gone. Gone to where RX and my uncle Desmond had gone.

I wasn't afraid. I just felt kinda sad. And surprised. The last day of my nursing attachment before I passed out, and my very first, and final last office.

I had the task of putting back the dentures for this man. So I pryed open his mouth gently and put in his false teeth, and made him look as though he were alive. In a deep sleep. After popping in his teeth, I just smiled at him because he reminded me of the day he was admitted, and the days after that. I remember asking him how his legs were just last week, and he said that they were feeling much better. He was even ambulating with a walking frame.

Something wasn't right, though. He had many drains on him, and each one kept draining a significant amount each day. It was almost like we were prolonging his life just to avert death for a few weeks. There was really no point in the end, because his life ended so quickly. Deep down though, I know there's probably a point. When I saw him walking around, I felt really good inside. Like 'Wow, he's walking!'. And that perhaps he could return home soon.

..I finished up what I started.

And well, the rest of the day just went by smoothly.

At the end though, it just felt really damp inside. All those written reports, all those recording of parameters, all those scoldings I got.. We've probably left behind something, or maybe we've really not left anything behind. Only memories, faint memories that they can choose to let loose and not remember.

My name is Melvin. I'm a nurse. And no, i'm not ashamed of it. I don't believe in praising God outwardly, I don't believe that there is a future or past. I believe in my friends, and in myself. Most importantly, I believe in God, and that the souls of the departed will guide us to where we need to be. I believe there is really a brighter side of life, I believe that altruism isn't entirely possible, but it's a goal to achieve. I believe that life is but a dream, so we shouldn't be afraid to do anything we want to. I believe in forgiveness, because nobody's born bad.

I believe in salvation, that we will be saved if we choose to move on with our shameful scars. I believe in redemption. I believe that everyone has innately good attributions, we just need to trust them more. I believe that the innocence of children are the most beautiful things on this planet. I believe that people who choose to dream are people who are truly free. I believe in hard work over innate talent, we can be good at anything we want to be.

I believe in lost wisdom, people's experiences are our gains. I believe in protecting the weak. I believe in rewarding people who never give up despite their downfalls. I believe that the soul is the most precious thing that each of us have, regardless of who we are. I believe in insanity, sometimes because it's the only thing that keeps us alive. I believe in living to fight another day, it's not cowardice.

There are probably a hundred over things more I could say. But i'll stop at it for now. Three years here, and back then. I've changed a whole lot.

Guess i'm not a teenager anymore. This is bittersweet.

R.I.P 29/1/09, 25/6 - Peck. May your soul find everlasting peace and bliss.

Bonds.

2009-01-27T23:43:00.003+08:00

'Our roads meet and intertwine.' d._.b No One's There - Korn.

Two more days until the end of this neverending dream. The dream that all of us hope to finally wake out of. It's almost over, so close i'm afraid of what's coming next. I'm afraid to think of what's ahead, I don't even want to know what's in store for me. Whenever there's a great leap of free time on my hands, I start fearing because I won't do anything but wait for time to pass.

Two days ago, I met up with my laoda Keong. It was a shortlived meeting, with laoda and all of his friends from all over. One girl from tennis, the other whom I briefly met online through Ragnarok Online. I've never actually met any of my online friends before though. This is my third meeting with laoda in my four years of knowing him, coming to five. He has taught me much things about life, about how I should live mine, without any restrictions.

It is through that small meeting that I realised I too have forgotten my two old buddies. Flav and Jona. Today, I was playing RO again, with another friend whom i've never met before. She was bored because her friend was playing WoW, something that she would stay away from because she would never P2P for a game. I asked about her friend and she said they knew each other when they were thirteen, and became good friends at fifteen. I asked if they were together after that, and she said no. They went to different schools after that.

But they're still good friends. Maintaining that bond which i'll proudly call friendship.

She reminded me much of myself back then. Having had to be protected by Jona and Flav, having no dreams nor destiny. Only knowing I had to live, for something. I didn't know what, I only knew that I had to keep breathing, keep going on. Waiting for something to come and make life worth living. I found that something. I don't know how they're doing right now, and quite sadly, and disappointingly, it has never crossed my mind to wonder how they're doing.

It's been so long since we last met. I've not seen either of them for months.

Perhaps i've seen Flav quite some bit because of Yang Sheng's enlistment into the army. Jona though, is another entirely different story. I don't know how he's doing, I don't know if he's still doing alright. Heck, even if he died I wouldn't even know because it's never crossed my mind to even bother about the guy. Myself? I don't care if I die today or tomorrow because I know i'm dying for some greater cause.

True enough, we're all brought apart from our life's roads. I wouldn't expect them to understand the pains a nurse goes through. I wouldn't expect them to know how it feels like to have someone you care for die in your hands, or to give injections, or to clean up after patients. No, I wouldn't expect them to know or understand what i'm going through. That's why I have Rick. That's why I have Nabil, Lex, Jub, everyone else in my nursing cohorde.

That's why I have forgotten. That's why I have betrayed the very thing that I considered dear and important in my heart. The very thing that keeps me alive.

Suddenly, everything ceases to move or exist. Suddenly, my whole life feels like a lie, because i'm not supposed to be alive. Suddenly, my soul dims with the darkness, without anyone beside me. The dampness and wrenching pain that pulls me from within, and a yell with no sound, echoing through the air with no remorse, with much pity, with regret.

Searching for redemption, I start to wonder all over again. What was my three years for? I've forgotten what I fought so hard to protect, i've forgotten my own resolve.

And still, I move forward with this scar in my heart. Sometimes, there's no looking back, and only knowing your own mistakes, unable to do anything about it. I've forgotten what it's like to be human all over again.

I'm still alive though. I can still do something. I can still...help people. But this isn't worth, this isn't worth sacrificing all my beliefs. I want to be free. I want to fly again, free from any restrictions. Free from darkness. Free from the paradox that is this world.

Dreams.

2009-01-21T00:00:00.002+08:00

'When I was a kid..' d._.b You'll Be Alright with Makihara Noriyuki - Home Made Kazoku.

Finally, five more days until the end of our posting. I can't believe i've spent the last two and three-quarter month of my life travelling up and down from my home to Outram Park. Long long journey every single day, I think i've spent more than a days worth of travelling already. But hey, at least i'm almost there.

A few days ago, I read a book entitled 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch. Go Google if you want to know more about it, it's a really good book and I encourage anyone who enjoys a burst of motivation to grab it. The focal point of this whole book is about childhood dreams. And that is what i'll write about today.

Can you remember the time when you were in Primary School? I can't remember every single thing of course, but I do remember we used to write compositions as a group on a big piece of mahjong paper, and do REAL arts and crafts, and I would always balance myself on the back two legs of my chair because it felt really relaxing, though it had nasty consequences.

I remember once we had to do a composition on 'Your Future Job' or something of the like. I don't remember it exactly, but I remember writing about wanting to be a soldier. But it wasn't because I liked guns, it wasn't because I enjoyed riding in tanks, nor because I didn't need to take baths. It was because I wanted to protect people, with the goodwill of my heart (seriously, what else can a seven year old scheme?). Of course, when I told my parents, they were a little worried because the army had really poor prospects at the time. It was more of a 'last choice' kinda job.

Twelve years down the road, and here I am reading about Randy Pausch's last words. And I recalled what I wanted to be in the past. Now, I never did consider joining the army in recent years, because I never did recall my childhood dreams. Regardless, I still think the army is a place with poor prospects, but I still have the ideology of my childhood times. I still want to protect people. But if there's nothing to protect them from, then i'll do the next best thing. I'll help people.

That's where I am now.

And I swore it upon my cross. I swore it upon my pride and conscience. I made it such that if I ever went back on my word, my whole life would've been a lie. My whole life, i'd have lived being a hypocrite, and without fail, i'll never be able to progress forward any further. That's why.. I can never go back on my word. I believe that a person has to have things he can believe in. Things that he believes he can do without fail. Only then will he be able to move forward.

That's the first step. After I can take care of my own shit, i'll start looking out for others.

My Secondary School teacher told us once,
'Before you go about shitting in your own backyard, be prepared to clean it up. DON'T make others do it for you, it's shameful.'
That's when I knew I had to make up for my own mistakes. To own up my own faults and clean up the mess I make, without any fear of retribution. Because escaping would only leave a heavy burden on my conscience and wellbeing.

I don't know, maybe that makes me a simple person. But I also believe that people enjoy making mountains out of molehills. That means making a big fuss over a small problem. Life is simple. People want simple answers, people want simple solutions. At least, the more 'simple' people do. Hey, life doesn't have to be complicated just because we're humans, it just means that life should be simpler than it already is.

Love Them Anyway
People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Theresa

I know there's alot of politics going around everywhere I go. People not liking certain others, people not helping certain others, people sabotaging certain others. To me, it's ugliness, a scar of mankind that we can erase but won't because of our worthless differences. We're all nurses, we're all human, we're all in this together. We chose this path together, and no matter how, we're all here, in this place, doing what we want to do. If you don't think that way then i'm sad to say you're on the wrong pathway.

I've failed to stand up for a friend once. And I know i'll continue failing again, because i'm afraid to stand up to people. Afterall, i'd rather choose the easy way out. The ugly way. The unsightly way. Cowardice beyond reasoning.

Still, i'll keep moving forward. I can't stand here brooding over my crap while I can still help people. My soul still burns with passion, my heart with empathy. I can still do something. And as I continue clutching my hands, the proof that i'm alive, i'll keep going forward. No looking back.

No regret.

Imagine.

2009-01-12T10:03:00.002+08:00

'I'm a dreamer.' d._.b Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz.

Just 12 more days until i'm free. To be honest, the past few days have been spent more on reflection than learning. Wondering why i've come this far, wondering why I keep moving forward without stopping, wondering where i'm gonna land up in the future. To be honest, after I retracted from everything, nothing makes sense. All that matters is what happens in my head, at least for now.

I want to live in a world where humans have other ways to output their emotions, more so than words and paintings and dance forms. A world where the sky is but a delicate lens, reflecting all that is beneath it, a world where the sun, in all its blazing glory can never hurt us. A world where even the soul less can fly, a world filled with much more possibilities than our current own.

Then again, it makes me kinda believe that our world now is a dream. Because life is but a dream, and we only truly awake after we die. But nobody would believe that crap, because everyone's afraid of dying. We don't know what happens after we die. That's been an absolute truth ever since we were born, and perhaps once we do know, people can let go of all their careful chains and take a leap into the unknown.

Even the vivid colours of the flowers blooming in the field would have no warmth. Bright yellows, reds and blues, perched upon the forsaken hill, the background an unforgiving cloud of darkness. It squelches rain, and the rain gives the flowers life, the irony that such evil can bloom pretty things.

I want to live in a world where we can leap off buildings without fear of being dead a few seconds after. A world where we can protect the people we love just by believing. A world where God looks down upon us and truly calls it a masterpiece, His greatest creation yet. I want to leap and soar, and not land until I want to. Burst through the clouds, the restricting wind against my face and bustling hair.

But all that's a dream isn't real. Imaginations can only remain as real to the one who created them in his head.

If everyday were a dream, then wouldn't dreams be a reality? A reality where we can never die. Such freedom goes beyond me, never ever having to worry or consider my next action. Nothing but moving forward, because everything back there's been done with.

And sooner or later, i'd burst out of the black hole engulfing all the colours and creations, and realize I can't fly. I'll realize there's a bell ringing in the background, and rather irritating at that. Then a few seconds after, i'll realise I have a life, something i'll have to sustain myself with if i'm to fly again. Looks like i'll have to rely on my feet to take me where I want to go.

'Welcome back to reality.' I'll tell myself.

That was a good dream though. Or was it real? Perhaps this is a dream.

Good thing imagination's not a crime. I'd be screwed over by the cops by now.

It's Okay.

2009-01-06T23:22:00.002+08:00

'Don't worry about it.' d._.b Fisherman's Horizon - Nobuo Uematsu.

Ah, this song. So soothing and relaxing, it makes me forget all my worries and troubles, and makes me feel like floating in mid-air, drifting around without a cause. Yes, this song reminds me of the time when I had listened to it, back when I was still considered a kid but thought otherwise. Back when I was someone without any responsibilities. Back when we were all carefree and had no worries.

There were many times in life where I fucked up. From overlooking my friends, to ignoring my parents, to eluding responsibilities, to ignoring people in a plight. There were many times where I had just wanted to run away and pray someone else would help me. That someone else did. He was God. He gave me this something called resilience, something that comprised of courage. The thing that gave me my pride back, the thing that lets me stand against a raging tide without flinching.

In the past, as a kid, I would always have nightmares. I'd hug my bolster and hide under my blanket, and sleep it off. I'd eventually sleep of course. So I had this ideology that if anything bad were to happen, all I needed to do was hide under my blanket and it'll be all over when I wake up. I didn't believe I needed to do anything. I imagined a war going on, too, and there would be missles dropping outside my home, and loud explosions and people screaming.

But nothing changed, i'd still hide under my blanket and pray everything was over.
And the nightmare ended.

When I started to feel that I had to take responsibility, I was afraid. Buy my own lunch, make friends of my own... stuff like that. Stuff that would hurt myself if I didn't handle them properly. When my secondary school teacher told me that there would be no use calling our parents whenever we got into trouble, that scared me the most. I didn't know why then, but now I realise, it was because I was afraid of responsibility.

Whenever I failed, whenever I felt like screwing life over and dying, there would always be a person who would cheer me up. My mother. Like all parents, my mother took real good care of me, and I am indebted to her. Of course, there are times when she drives me nuts, especially when i'm on the computer, but like all mums, she's probably just worried about my wellbeing. Like when I finally admitted to her during church camp that I had problems making friends because I couldn't forget what people treated me like in the past.

'It's okay.' She would tell me.
'You just have to keep trying, because you can never live alone.'
'Of course, i'm still restricting your computer usage to weekends.'

I was crying like some idiot who hadn't cried in years. It's been three years since then.

I've made many real friends, I can say. People who will stand by me even when i'm about to take a shot. People who would take bullets for me. People who would lift me up when i'm down. I can say i've never let my mother down, and in this, I haven't.

Ever since I joined this profession, I never wanted to give up. I had this die hard attitude that always told me the darkest of nights is always followed by a sunrise. I never looked back, I never regretted. I just kept going forward, and I never gave an excuse why I couldn't. Even until now..

I miss my mother's hugs and words of comfort. Those are things that even friends can never give you. There are times when I want to give up, but I tell myself not to. I keep telling myself I won't die, and I won't give up, not now. There are times when I look at my hand and move my fingers and clench my fist. It tells me that i'm alive, I can still move, I can still do something.

And I know, that perhaps I may never feel my mother's hug or words of comfort anytime soon, because I know I have to take all of it. Whatever I have failed to do, whatever I have screwed up at, I have to take all the blame and punishment. Because I have to learn to take responsibility. I don't want to give up, and I wish to press forward, with or without people helping me. Because i'll feel like i'm nowhere if I don't.

I wish to take this pain alone. I wish to take all my burdens alone. I wish to carry the burdens of others on my own. But I know I can never do it on my own. So I always ask God for help. God will help, and guide me, no matter how many times I betray him. He's the only person I can rely on in dire times of need. He'll keep pushing me forward, and take me to where i'm supposed to be.

I miss my mother. But I have to press on. I have to stop being a teenager, a person without responsibilities. I have to be the person I would never want to be, an adult. I have to brave punishments for my beliefs that have been sewn into me, take the fall for other people, and have an unending servitude to my Lord. I have to do all of it without flinching, because I would want no help, as far as I can go without.

Never look back. Keep pressing forward. This is my resolve.

Insanity Breaker.

2008-12-31T00:37:00.002+08:00

'Madness..is sheer beauty.' d._.b She's the One - Robbie Williams.

Ah, finally, I don't have to flip my calendar to the next month anymore, soon, I won't even have to flip it. I won't have to care about checking my next shift, I won't have to bother about what's coming up next. I don't know what's going to happen this month but somehow I can't be bothered either. It's like i'm into a holiday mood too early.

Continuing on today's topic, insanity. How many of you have watched The Dark Knight? It came out this year (last day haha), and it was one of the biggest movies to hit the screen. Remember the Joker? He was a memorable character, because his actor died soon after he reprised the role. Not only that, the character was portrayed so well, people were so amazed that they went around saying his favourite quote all over.

'WHY SO SERIOUS?'

To be quite honest, I was a little fed up with everyone saying the same thing. Heck, i'm never serious about anything and people just start ticking me off using that phrase.

I never watched that show. Never even bothered to. But the idea of the Joker and other Batman villains has always intrigued me. Most of Batman's villains have some kind of psychological scarring. Which is why an asylum exists in the comic world itself. Because the characters are insane, they are technically not lawbreakers, so they cannot be killed by lawful means, such as hanging.

I view insanity as a work of art. It's like man losing his natural 'shield' and all of his defenses, turning part of himself into a creature who only needs a basic need. To survive. As such, they're unique. I like uniqueness. People like them aren't at all afraid of saying or doing wrong things because they have no real conscience. Plus, they probably wouldn't know anything either. They won't know if they just killed someone, or hurt someone.

That kind of blalant ignorance intrigues me. It's something that cannot exist no matter what between the majority of humankind. Yet, in an asylum, they are abundant. It's like a whole different world on the other side. I'm thankful though, for having once experienced this 'insanity'. There's no real rationale for what you're doing when you're insane. It's like an unlimited coping mechanism, where there is actually no problem to cope with.

The Joker is referred to as the new generation of mankind, able to survive the future because he is so adapted to everything. And no matter what comes up, he'll be able to handle it with such flawlessness because of his lack of consciences. In that sense, will man survive if we were to go insane? Every single one of us? Maybe so.

Incessant smiling. Scratching of walls. Chewing of nails. Tugging of hair. Outstretched eyelids. Flared nostrils. Relentless tapping of the extremeties. Your inner self fading away. Laughter filling your mind. People become mere 'humans'. I have experienced it all once.

Though i've read reports of people actually smashing their head into walls trying to crack their skulls open because they can feel and hear a fly stuck in their head. Or people digging into their own skin because they believe something is stuck beneath it. Or claiming themselves to be the saviour of the world.

Insanity intrigues me, every part of it. Experiencing humans in their 'natural' state..

People call cancer the bane of humans. I call insanity the scourge. Even if our bodies function properly, if our minds aren't together, we'll still fall apart, but the only reason being the majority of humans are afraid of us. Our way of living. Otherwise, we'd be able to live just fine.

Tough break for all the psycho people out there. You're one grade lower than us normal humans. Sure, we're all humans, but the truth deep down is that you're worthless. You're piles of trash and dirt who can't do anything for the world. You're just mad, living in your own little worlds without a worry about anything else.

Even though I just wrote that, I don't think it's true either. I think mad people deserve a place in the streets. But they'd be too unstable anyway. You wouldn't want random people dying and the culprit getting away scott-free. I guess the IMH is still the best solution to everything.

Afterall, i've been there once. I've been with the people in there. I've experienced madness before. I know how it feels. Yet, I am amazed by it. For a human to fall so low, to be compared to animals, to be weak and unworthy. And yet, not feeling any pain or regret. Not having any dreams, no aspirations, no future.

The only thing that matters is the present. And that's all that matters to me too.

Why am I posting about mad people anyway? Why does it matter so much to me? I don't know. And I find the whole thing ridiculous now. I'm smiling, and there's no real reason why. Looks like i've progressed somewhere beyond our planes of existence.

Preceptorship (end).

2008-12-25T17:29:00.002+08:00

'Life is just once.' d._.b Waltz - Honey and Clover (Suneohair).

Alright, I knew I said all those bad things about my preceptor the previous post. I know it's impossible to take them back, so i'm not going to. I'm going to make amends with this post, because my preceptor isn't as bad as everyone makes her out to be, including myself. I know deep down, if I don't rid myself of hate and conflict, i'll never be able to move forward.

It's a christmas miracle, or something you'd call.

I'm surrounded by six Cowboy Bebop figurines, and I don't really know where to put them, but they remind me back of the days when I was still a kid, wandering and wondering what to do in life. Those days of ignorance which I miss, but know I can never return to. Thanks Rick.

Today was quite a relaxed day at work, I did everything as per normal, but apparently as per normal for me wasn't good enough. I messed up while passing report, and just when I thought my preceptor was getting ready to shoot me down to shove the blame to me, she didn't. She told me nicely what I did wrongly, and she proceeded to tell me other things I could improve on.

Sometimes, you don't appreciate people until they start taking shots for you. To me, it's wrong, because if a person has to take shots for you, you're just testing them. You're just weighing how much they matter to you by how much they're willing to sacrifice for you. In truth, you need to believe and trust people, in order to let them take shots for you. It's not the other way round.

I didn't believe my preceptor would take shots for me. I seriously didn't. And when she told me she was rotating to a female room yesterday, I was so delighted, I said 'God, you finally answered my prayers, happy birthday.' And now when I look back, I felt so bad I even thought like that. Because my preceptor isn't a bad person, she's one of the people willing to take blows for me, and really, in my book, that goes a long way.

People who took shots for me.. well, they're here with me even now. I remember them, no matter how far we've been apart. I'll remember these people who once defended me, protected me. I am grateful.

Sometimes, I want to be like these people, protecting others. But I can't even protect myself, and so, I fail to do so. The only thing that I have is an undying attitude. I'll try as hard as I can not to give up, because at the end of this storm is another rainbow. At the end of every tunnel is a light, and at the end of every dusk is a dawn. You guys get it.

Now I feel afraid, so afraid. Because now is my turn to live up my preceptor's legacy. She won't be with me this final month, and so I have to show everyone what she's taught me and not disgrace her. This alone is harder than being scolded for my own mistakes, but still, I don't want to give up. I want to go to the end, and have no regrets. Without a doubt, without a falter.

A teacher is a wonderful thing to be.

At the end of my shift, she copied down my roster for the next month for me. And well, what can I say, i've come a long way, and so has she. I guess all we can do is look and work towards the future. I guess she was never really good at words, though, but I did get her final message to me before she gets rotated to the female side. Somewhere in between those lines of improvement she had for me, was a hidden 'Don't give up.'. And I knew then, my perseverence had paid off. A person hard to please as her finally sees me as something.

And here I am at my seventh week of posting, wondering what's going to happen next. It's like i'm stuck back at square one. I don't know who my next preceptor is going to be, and I don't know how far i'll go from there. I'm afraid, but I am sure, my Lord will guide me like before. With perseverence, with patience, with diligence.

I'm just about at the end of my journey with my preceptor, and this is where our path splits. Somehow those two months with her is starting to feel really nostalgic.

Here we go. A final four weeks. No time for slacking, now the real challenge begins.

Preceptorship.

2008-12-23T19:02:00.002+08:00

'You can hate anyone but that person.' d._.b Aruarian Dance - Nujabes.

Into my 7th week of PRCP, and here I am still struggling with basic shits such as labelling and report writing. I don't know why, but nothing seems to get into my head, not since I started working alongside random staffs. I haven't worked with my preceptor until the fifth week, and then, I felt like giving up. Now, among all the preceptors, I don't know, maybe it's just me. Either I have a character that annoys people, or I have absolutely shit luck. It's lose either way.

What i'm on now is something called a PRCP, short form for Pre-Registration-Consolidation-Placement. Meaning, it's where we start our work like staff nurses. People working in a real environment, dealing with real patients and stuff like that. So there's a 'Sister' who is the head of the ward, the many staffs, and us, the students, all working together as one force to bring people back to their good health.

Yeah, right. Without the politics. We're humans, so there's bound to be politics.

I mentioned preceptor before. Here's the difference between this attachment and every single one so far. Each student has a preceptor. A preceptor is a staff nurse already working in the ward, someone who we will eventually become. They will guide us through our 12 weeks of PRCP, and ensure that we're on the right path to becoming a good staff nurse.

I hate my preceptor.

Well, maybe not hate, perhaps a certain dislike. Because she enforces many things on to me, and when I do it wrongly, she nags and passes some sarcastic remark that makes me look like an idiot. Even in front of everyone. I mean, she's a good staff nurse and all, in fact, she's probably the only one who does everything so perfectly and seriously with that. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, that's precisely why I don't like her.

Deep down, like my NP friend says, I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I got her as a preceptor. I'm starting to lean towards the bad side, because i'd rather not stress over my work. If I have to do that, I won't remember anything, my mind just breaks down and gives up working. Apparently, just having a certain 'will' to help people isn't enough. Now we have to work perfectly too.

My mum didn't mention this side of nursing. I want to help people, but I don't want to live restricted by the laws created by humans too. At the very least, i'd accept laws that are loosely knotted. Laws that can be broken without any real impact on the company. In here however, everything is governed by the higher ups.

I won't say that everyone is bad though, there's a sister that's especially nice. The others just want to push you really hard so that you won't be a burden on the ward in the future. That is, if you choose to stay on. I have no intention to.

My preceptor's great, she really is, but i'm sure that those who don't enjoy working with her know what I mean. She's someone the ward cannot do without, and so, if I do fail this PRCP, it will be entirely my fault. Which is why i'm hoping that others will be kind enough to guide me when she isn't around. There's really no other way out of this.

One of the biggest things that keeps me going forward is Rick and his countdowns. Each day I see him, the days seem to get less, and less. But somehow, the workload seems to just pile up without fail. I'm supposed to take care of twelve patients next week, and most of my friends have already started, but I don't know how to begin. I'm probably the slowest one here, the one with the least improvement, and probably ranked the lowest among all the students.

During PRCP, you'll meet staff that you hate, staff that you like, and sisters as well. There are some that you'll hate and some you'll learn to love. You can hate as many of these or like as many of these as you want, but you cannot hate your preceptor. Because she's the one who will give you your final marking. If she doesn't like you, you're a goner, no matter how many things you've done and how much you've improved.

Yesterday was so bad, I had to give in to the madness in order to keep my sanity.

Today, she made me look like crap in front of all my friends.

I don't like this, I don't enjoy it at all. But with Rick constantly counting down the days, I can't help but keep moving forward. If I do fail though, i'm just gonna give up entirely on this profession and move onto something else. But I really hope she tells me that I fail early so that I don't have to waste my time here.

You can hate anyone, but not your preceptor. Hard to say when my preceptor really sucks.

Responsibility.

2008-12-18T01:53:00.002+08:00

'With great power...' d._.b THE REAL FOLK BLUES - Mai Yamane with SEATBELTS.

It's been five days since I last blogged, and counting down the days makes this attachment seem endless. Yet, I don't feel like giving up just yet, because i've come this far, influenced some people along my way, and made others proud in the process. There are times in my life where I wonder.. 'Where does this boundless need to go forward come from?' It's now that I realise, that the people around me are the ones who give me this will and courage to keep pressing on.

In this time and age, as a final year student in my course, the things that go through my head are vastly different from when I was in my first and second years. One such thing is responsibility. When I was in year one and year two, my abilities were much lower compared than they are now, and compared to others I still suck shit, but anyway, with greater power comes greater responsibility. Dealing with work, ethics, work ethics, the workplace as a family.. I don't know what else. It's like suddenly everything factors into play, what didn't matter at all in the past.

Here I am, listening to the same nostalgic music as when I left secondary school, and here I am, with more friends I can rely on, here I am, helping people more than ever, and here I am bearing all this responsibility. It's easier not to think about it, though, because sometimes responsibility becomes a burden, you want to throw away everything, not care about a single problem that phases through your head.

As a third year, i'm on my way to becoming a nurse. As much as I want to tell everyone i'm not planning on becoming a nurse, it's really immature to do so. Because that would mean that I have no interest in my current attachment, which is not entirely true. It also means that I want to shrug off my responsibilities and just get this over with. Which is why I say I want to become a nurse, even though deep down I know i'm never coming back.

Many people don't see the difficulties of being a person in the healthcare line. Humans can't be repaired like machines, nor can they be discarded like a failed piece of art. We can't experiment on them because it's against morality.. all we can do is make it all better. Sometimes, I don't know how either, but in the end, I just know that we have to do it. And we'd just do it without knowing. Like a soul trying to seek redemption, like a hungry animal searching for food. We help people.

Of course, those metaphors aren't entirely correct.

What i'm saying is, when it comes down to it, no matter who it is, you just gotta help them. The most common example is an enemy in the war. No matter what, when you see them screaming in pain, you still have to help them. Even if they detonate a grenade in your face for trying to help them. Even if they shoot you or pierce you with bayonets. All you know is to get down there, relieve the man's pain, and get him the hell out.

Saving that man who's just killed tons of your comrades, your neighbors, your friends, people who've marched alongside you, people who've taken shots for you. People who've cheered and mourned alongside you, people who've made sacrifices for you. Saving that one man means overlooking all these people, the people who've allowed you to come thus far. Is he worth all that trouble?

Like I mentioned before, when it comes down to it, it's easier not to think about it.

Responsility, what is it? To some, it's making sure that they're good role models for the future generation. To some, it's making sure you finish your work. To some, it's not betraying themselves. Responsibility essentially stems from roles. The more roles you have, the more responsibilities you have, and the more stress you undertake.

Here I am, listening to the same nostalgic music from since then. Feeling the same nostalgic feelings I did since then, yet no longer able to understand them. How far have I come? That will only be the backdrop of how far I am going to go. As long as there's no looking back, i'll reach the end of the road. One thing's for sure though, because from back then, up until now, one thought has remained the same. And i'm sure it will remain the same forever.

Want to know what that thought is..?

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream..
Merrily merrily...

Life is but a dream.

To My Beloved.

2008-12-10T00:34:00.003+08:00

'Christmas is coming.' d._.b Dearly Beloved (KHII) - Kaoru Wada.

Dear Beloved Ones,

As you are well aware, we are coming close to My birthday. There is, every year, a glorious and festive ceberation to commemorate this day. I must say that I am, most certainly delighted to know that people all around the world, Christians and non-Christians alike celebrate this period of joy, love and hope.

Christmas has definitely evolved through the ages. Today, many of you perceive Christmas to be a period to shop for presents. This act of buying gifts for our loved ones is merely a symbolic gesture and speaks little about the pure love that you have for your family, friends and neighbours. Seek therefore, to understand the true meaning of Christmas and see beyond these material gifts.

I remember last year (like every year) there were great feasts held during Christmas. Orchard Road were amongst the many places around the world, where throngs of people came to admite the brightly lit and extravagantly embellished Christmas decorations. Dinner tables were full of delectable dishes and every Christmas tree was impeccably decorated. But, do you want to know something?

I was not invited to these feasts.

The parties was supposedly for me but when Christmas came, I was left outside. How I longed to be with them to share that joy, for their joy was mine too.

I remember one party, on the midnight of Christmas, everyone began hugging each other. I extended my arms for someone to hug me but sadly, no one did. They exchanged presents after this and I remembered how each one opened theirs with anticipation. I looked to see if there was one for me but sadly, nothing. How would you feel if you did not get anything for your birthday?

It gets worse every year. Nowadays, many people remember to eat, drink and be merry. Firms exploit this period to increase profits. Some even spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on Christmas decorations which do little in spreading the message behind Christmas. Is there not the African child painfully starving? Or the old and dying, left to face another Christmas in solitude?

Seek therefore, with all your heart to spread the love and message of Christmas. For only then, will you truly understand the meaning behind Christmas. Recognise that My Father sent Me into this world to give you everlasting life. And today, I ask that you believe this with all your heart!

This year, I shall be having my own celebration, something beyond your wildest imaginations. Although I am still making the final arrangements, I am sending out many invitations and this is my personal invitation to you. I do hope that you will come. Be prepared, because when all is ready, you will be part of this joyous celebration.

I Love You,
Jesus

The above is a transcribed message from a letter I found lying about in my house. My mother asked me to read it and I was absolutely touched by it, and so i'm using my blog to spread its message. Now, this is not entirely a religious preach, but rather a call to realization that Christmas has been mutiliated over the many years that we have overlooked it.

I'll be spending this year's Christmas in the ward, and perhaps, this may be the most memorable Christmas yet.

Gifts and Curses.

2008-12-03T16:48:00.002+08:00

'You can't just have one of it. You gotta take all of it.' d._.b Gifts and Curses - Yellowcard.

I'm in my fourth week of posting now, and due to the hectic schedule I really have no time to blog. In fact, I remember having some inspiration a couple of days ago, but I can't seem to recall it now. Anyway, i'll just blog about something perhaps some healthcare people go through.

A long time ago, a time where I can longer live in, people I knew had dreams. Dreams to be someone, dreams to go the distance and materialize. People who inspired me because of the deal they had to go through to achieve their dreams. But that was a long time ago. I too, dreamt. And I became a nurse, someone who helps people. I don't know if it was to save my damned soul from burning in eternal hell, all I know is that i'm right here, now.

And in my final year, this final journey that i'm going through.. People continue asking me the elusive question.

'Why do you join nursing?'

If it was three years ago, i'd say 'Because I want to go to heaven.'. But that makes no sense now. So I normally reply with another yet elusive question.

'After three years, you kind of forget your reason of joining in the first place.'

Maybe that's why I have this rift of emptiness that fills between not having any dreams, and yet wanting to help people. And this rift continues to expand, giving me differentiating thoughts of what I should be doing. Not long back, I thought of what would happen if you had to save people you didn't want to. People who have sinned over and over. People who have killed your family, people who have made your life horrible.

And we didn't have a choice. Because we still had to save these people by law. And again, it felt like something which I was forced to do. Again, it became a curse in the backshadow of a gift. Because we were given this power, this power of saving people, we HAD to save people. I guess if you were one of those lawful good types, it wouldn't matter. But as a human, I too have times of difficulty. How can I hope to save someone when my life just went down the drain?

Then again, perhaps that's just another phase of growing up. I asked my mother once as a premature nurse..

'In a war, no matter what, we have to save people right?'
'Yes, that is our duty.'
'But the people whom we save will continue killing other people..'
'It does not matter, because all that matters is the moment.'
'The moment?'
'As long as you see someone in pain, in need, you help them, no matter what.'
'Even if it is the enemy?'

And my mother looked at me with so much determination, it almost seemed that she was irritated with my probing because her answer was so natural.

'Yes.'

Left with that, I realised then that I had to save people regardless of what they have done. Of course, I didn't realise what would happen if I had to save people when I myself was messed up inside. Made up of the thoughts of neutrality, I don't believe we need to save all the time. I believe we should save only when we feel like it.

Then again, humans are flawed. You don't see me helping people wherever, because i'm not a hypocrite. Deep down, I really don't give a crap about people feeling pain in the streets. I turn a deaf ear or a blind eye to such things because I don't feel like helping them. It'd be too troublesome. That is nothing but the truth of what I feel deep down. Yet, when my beliefs clash together, in the spur of the moment, i'd help people without thinking why.

I suppose it's not possible to have someone entirely bent on saving people. No matter what we'd have emotions that deter us from doing so. I remember posting something on altruism awhile back, and that it wouldn't be possible to wholeheartedly save people all the time. But if we had at least a little of that in our lives, perhaps we could make the lives of the people around us a little better.

There's no individual healthiness in that, though. I suppose when you have to do something against your inner feelings, this dissonance occurs which causes many unhealthy thoughts in your mind.

Still, it is the way of the world to decide our fate. And not us ourselves. Guess I can't save people just because I want to, and not save them because I don't want to.

Bondage.

2008-11-16T03:01:00.003+08:00

'Can't break free.' d._.b Rakuen no Tobira - White Bound.

First week of attachment over, just eleven more before I can graduate, or fail (hope not). Anyway, I haven't had the inspiration to blog again as of late.. what happened to the days where I could just blog easily whenever I wanted? Guess i'm just changing. Too bad nobody gives me a chance, not that it matters anymore.

What comes to your mind when you see this picture?

It's obviously a chain. But what thoughts come after that? Right, some of you use it to lock your bicycle wherever you want to, that has some link, I guess. For the people who are more metaphoric, the one thing that chains represent, is bondage. Something that cannot be changed no matter how hard you try, a bad habit which can be kicked but seems to stay forever because for some apparent reason, you're stuck to it.

The only reason why I associate all the traits we wish to rid ourselves of with chains is simply because, it can be removed. We just find extreme difficulty to remove it. And like everything else, if we leave ourselves chained for too long, we'll stop recognizing the chain one day and just live with our flaws. Seen anything that you really hate about your parents or grandparents? They might have noticed that they sucked back in the days, but they probably just live with it now.

Quite sadly, my connection with my secondary school mates are but a vicious cycle. Back then, I hated people. I pretty much gave everyone a cold shoulder and had basically a shitty personality. So that's the impression everyone had of me. Either way, I sucked as a person, and a human. I changed after a few years, though. Until now however, most people still recognize me as that person back then, which brings back haunting memories.

That triggers me to hate them, which is actually a link to my old self. When they see that, nothing changes about me, and their impression is still the same. That is why I am generally reluctant to go for class reunions, more accurately, why I hate and am afraid of class reunions. Because I am still enslaved by my memories. Even now, I still show signs of my old self, but at a much less rate. It still gives me the thought that i'm chained, however.

Sometimes, it is hard to let go of the past, because the past is something that some of us run forcefully from. Something that never changes because it can never be changed, and it makes us who we are today. Tomorrow, today will become a past that can never be changed, and whatever we do today, we will carry on to tomorrow, with joy, or with regret.

What is it then, that we are living for? I'm sure some of us don't even know. Or should I say, afraid to know, or can't be bothered to. Do we live for the future? But the futher future would make even the future the past. I know what I live for. I live for the unknown, that something different might happen everyday. But perhaps, that is a bondage in itself, because I never do anything but wait.

Maybe, we could all look at ourselves and wonder about what we are chained to. It doesn't have to be material possessions..

Some of us are overly concerned about our looks, and unfortunately, it is currently the truth of the world. The better you look, the more attracted people are to you. Looks DO matter, screw whatever your values tell you.

I'm not particularly concerned about much nowadays. It's not like i'll see my nightmares everyday, so I guess it's alright. The days that it does appear, is just another random day, which is what I live for. So if you want random, you gotta take all of it, not just the good parts.

Then again, what makes things considered bondage and what not? Perhaps things that make us feel guilty or shameful are considered bondage. In that sense.. I guess we are chained to whatever makes us feel guilt or shame, or both. Interesting..

And when we are chained, we tend to pick at the chains to try to remove them. Because a foreign object on your body doesn't feel natural does it? Somehow, the chain doesn't want to be removed, and so here we are all over again, knowing that there are chains but unable to do anything. This is the truth of the world for some people. People who eventually start living with their chains on.

I think the moment our brains develop, we start having chains on our body already. As we go on in life, they start to get really heavy. So we start removing some of them. But the chains at the bottom never come off, because there are already so many on top. To get to the bottom, we must first remove the chains on top..

And in order to help other people, we must first remove the chains around ourselves. It is unwise to remove chains for them however, morever, we should teach them the technique of removing the chains so that they can do so themselves in the future.

What are you chained to? I'm chained to.. nothing. And because I think that way, there is another chain that is harder to see.

Vicious cycle.

No Matter What.

2008-10-27T22:51:00.002+08:00

'Pick up the shit and move on.' d._.b No Matter What - T.I.

Here I am. And this week is the final week of my attachment at a hospital before I go for a week's holiday, and after that my final posting begins. I'm not really worried, in fact, I can't wait until it's over. But yeah, what then? What am I going to do? Something within me just wants to comprehend the future, but the logical part just tells me it's not possible to.

Have you ever had someone die in your hands before? No, I haven't either. But I know someone who has. And even though it was just a simple text message he sent me, it was enough to send my mind into a certain chaos before I reflected back to reality. In my profession, it's common to have people die on you everyday, I mean, it's normal isn't it? I mean... I wouldn't know. It hasn't happened to me before.

The medical site is more than just a profession. If technicians sold computers, then we're selling life maintenance devices. In fact, I could even go as far to say we sell lives. If I was a robot without any emotions, that'd be alright, it's still a job, no difference from other jobs. But i'm a human, and that's when it starts blurring the line between non-chalence and emotions.

A 11-year old child died while my friend was trying to save her.

It's times like these i'd be cool and say 'Man, we're not God, we can't save everyone, because when people gotta go, they gotta go.' But I know deep down it's still going to leave a scar with us as we go on in life. All this intelligence and skill, it's here for a price. It's here so that the people will dare to use it. Even though we can be afraid of saving people in fear of failing, we'd still do it. No matter what.

I was imagining what would happen if someone died in my hands. Worse still if it was my family because I didn't pay enough attention in class. I'd probably be kneeling down beside their corpses with my hands soaked in my own tears of regret. After that, I wouldn't be sure if i'd be able to go on as a person in the medical profession. So is this a gift or curse? Giving us the gift of saving people, is it really worth so much?

Of course, i'm still here. I'm the kind of person who gets over things quickly and bounce right back up into being myself. Because no matter how tough things get, it's what you do afterwards that matter. Looking at statistics, looking at philosophy, looking at values and insights, non of it matter. No matter what, you still gotta pick yourself back up on your own two feet and start walking again, because that's life.

I didn't realise how much burden this profession gives all of us. But this is just one of the shits that keeps me going even further than before because we just keep getting stronger everyday.

Right now, I still wished I had the right of having ignorance like those days. Those days where we'd just run free and wonder what's next. Those days where we'd just run free to nowhere, those days where we'd try to find a home, no matter where it was. Those days where we didn't know who we were, where we feared the future and spent each day trying to avoid it. I wished I still had those days, but I don't anymore.

I can't hide under my blanket when there's a war going on and act like nothing's happening anymore. I can't turn a blind eye to a person lying down in pain screaming for help anymore. I can't let anyone down anymore because it'll haunt my conscience. And I can't just think of dying anymore because I have so much more to do.

One last year of teenagehood. I think that one year's already passed.

Bowel Moments.

2008-10-18T03:54:00.002+08:00

'Yeah... 'shit' happens.' d._.b Seishun Kyousoukyoku - Sambomaster.

Hello again! It's been a short intermission but i'm sure glad to be able to write again! And I hope many of you are as happy as I am while you're reading this.. I enjoy writing (or typing, in this sense) for people to take their minds of everyday life and perhaps have them chuckle or grin a little at this stupid fellow. Anyway, enough self conscious talk.. I bring you...

'The Story of the Shit Nurse'.

Now, it's not just about nursing, rather, it's more of my entire childhood, or well, life. I am somehow affiliated to manure, either this is one of God's sick jokes, or well, just plain coincidence (i'd love to think the latter, I really do), I will encounter things to do with defecation sooner or later. In the beginning, it wasn't too bad, but when I became a nurse, I guess everything just multiplied by infinity.

There was a time when I was a kid, i'd take a crap in this cuteass little potty of mine. Well, it wasn't particularly cute but I liked the shape of it. It's hard to explain too, so I won't go into that. The only thing spectacular here was that I had to take craps at the most inopportune times, like when I was having lunch. So I ate and crapped at the same time, while watching television. I'm telling you, there was no GREATER joy in my childhood than those moments.

Apart from being able to piss in public anywhere you are of course.

When my brother and I were kids, me around seven and he around nine, we'd be sent to the nice lady downstairs to take care of us while mum and dad went to work. It wasn't too bad, they had a SEGA! Of course, I had one too, but they had a bigger TV! I digress, anyway, there was this time my brother had to take a crap really badly, and he was just holding it in probably because it was almost 6pm, time for us to go home.

Well we were in the room, and then the kind lady told us that it was time to go home, and my dad called out for us from the doorsteps. I ran ahead first of course, being the younger and more energetic one. What happened next...was complete disaster. My brother had ran from the room and crapped all over the floor all the way until he reached the gates. I was already outside ready to go home, and I had no idea what happened, until my brother told me of course.

With the last thing he heard being an 'Aiyo, BOY!', we headed back home, my brother feeling quite relieved.

Another story with my brother was a time when he was having diarrhoea, loose stools, lao sai, whatever you call it in your language. Now, my brother and myself (and a distant cousin) all have this habit of making our farts count if we needed to fart. It wouldn't feel comfortable to actually hold in all your gas and release it bit by bit, no, that wouldn't be good at all. So we started this custom to fart as loud as we could when we needed to.

This apparent bad habit carried on with us throughout our life. Of course, only among ourselves (or has it..). Well you could have guessed what happened next. My brother needed to fart, so he let one rip, and I was surprised, I had to turn around to give him that look of acknowledgement. But what I saw was his face change to something of a "OoO", the best smiley I can come up with to illustrate that face of somewhat regret.

Yeah. He let one rip in his pants alright. Free brown colourization!

Also, he would get random birds crapping all over him during the time when we were in Yishun as kids. I don't know if it was because he was twice in diameter compared to me, or God just hated him. Maybe it was both, but i've never been crapped on before, and he gets sometimes twice in a day. Well, that's a crappy day for you.

On to my nursing days.

Once there was this patient who was quite dependent on oxygen, now I asked the staff if we could bring him to bathe, and he was quite willing and agreeable to have a shower. Well of course, if you lie in bed for 24 hours, the next best thing you'd want to do is take a bath after soaking in your sweat for half the time.

So we took him to bathe, and well, the next few moments while I was bathing him was quite hectic. Let's start from the top.

The old man told me he wanted to take a shit. I said alright, but after awhile, he just looked down and when I called out to him he didn't respond. Now at this moment, I had COMPLETELY forgotten that he needed to take a crap. The nurse then came over and she had a shock, the dude was in hypo-oxygenation! We pushed him back hurriedly on his commode, and he crapped all the way from the toilet to his bedside.

Of course, we dressed him up as best as we could first.

Oh, did I mention the sister was yelling 'Eh, SAI! SAI!' while pointing on the floor all while we were pushing the hypo man back to bed in a hectic fashion? After we were done, I had to pause for a moment and laugh really hard because of what had just happened, though it was bad.

The other is when this patient had bad diarrhoea and he was on pampers. Carelessly, I said that I would change his diapers for him, and so I did. I proceeded to take my equipments (gloves and trashbag, what were you thinking?) and came to his side. Then I unstickied his diapers and all the stool poured over the floor. Great job Meru. Apart from the whole thing being very serious, I just had to laugh deep inside too.

Of course, I went home with a metre radius clearance on the MRT.

As for recent events...last week I had diarrhoea, and this past week I had haemorroids. I don't know what other rectal adventures i'll have in the future, but one thing's for sure.

It'll all add up to the legacy of the Shit Nurse.

Preface.

2008-10-16T01:59:00.002+08:00

'A compilation of real life short stories! Ingenious!' d._.b Ask DNA - Yoko Kanno.

Hello. As you all may already know, i'm a male nurse, well, student nurse actually. I'm still in the midst of training and i'll pass out as a real nurse soon.. and yada yada so on. But what I figured was that people would eventually grow bored out of my current life status because I have no real interest to blog anymore even though I LOVE writing! So I thought to myself, 'Hey! I have 19 years worth of stories to write about!' And that was how all this came about.

So a little summary about myself. I'm not a fussy person, unless it comes to toilets. I believe taking a crap is one of the few enjoyments in everyday life. Nothing better than to relieve yourself after a hard day's work, or better yet, in between work. It just takes a load off you, if you get what I mean. And I prefer sitting toilets too, most men do. Don't ask why ladies, it's preference, PREFERENCE.

I mentioned earlier that i'm studying to become a nurse. A long time ago when I was a child, I would be exposed to the smells of a common nursing home. My mother was a nurse at a nursing home, and everyday when she came home at night or in the afternoon, after hearing the familiar footsteps from her black heeled shoes and the creaking sounds of my old wooden door, i'd be greeted by a fresh burst of old people.

My mother got a can from the nursing home once for my elder brother to use as a kind of 'money bank'. Even now, the notes still smell like old people.

Anyway, I was partially influenced by my mother to become a nurse at the age of fifteen, where most of us would already have decided what career path to go. Why, you ask? It's not because of the sour-ish smell, I can't say I particularly like it. More like the times she tells me that nursing is noble and good, and most importantly it gives me an iron ricebowl for the future, which I find most appealing.

My dad too, except that he only agrees with the iron ricebowl part. He can't see himself as a nurse.

I was quite afraid to begin with actually, because i'd have a class full of females and well, let's just say i'm not a sociable person. I'm rather shy, and when it comes to the opposite sex, there's nothing but silence because I can never hope to understand them. I don't like mysteriousness, because i'm the kind of person who's afraid of the unknown, and I hate the process of adapting.

So here I am, working alongside females, with the smell of old people. I'm lovin' it.

What about my family? Well let's see, I have a sister who's a genius (she has a PSLE score of 262, max is 300 and average is 200), my brother who's a musclehead, my mum who's a nurse (surprised yet?) and a dad, who's weird beyond all means.

Now hearing your own son call you weird isn't one of those 'I love you dad' moments, it basically means you have to STOP acting the way you are. Not that I hate him though, I love my dad the way he is because he really irritates my mum and they're kind of comical together. Nothing like a good laugh once in a while.

There was a time when he was counting money in order to split it evenly with her when we were on a HOLIDAY. And he calculated it in such a way that there were .365 cents in the equation. I remembered because it was the number of days in a year (a normal year, shut up smart alecks), and that it was the most hilarious thing that's ever happened in a holiday that's not supposed to happen, ever.

My brother and I had such a great laugh you could say we got high with weed. It was something ridiculously sensible.

So that covers mum and dad.. my sister I mentioned is a genius, and that she loves books. My mother told me she spent her childhood reading books and doing assessment books to pass the time. I'm like 'Yeah, that's what seperates geniuses from us normal kids'. Other than that, she enjoys going out and exploring new places, a complete opposite of what I enjoy doing. Nothing.

My brother is a musclehead. When I was thinking of buffing up a little last time, i'd go to him for advise. He would also offer me his big, oversized container of protein powder. Apart from that, he's also part of my conscience, whenever I feel like giving up i'd think of my brother, the fat kid who was always ostracized, and the person he is now. He is one of my inspirations.

And that's it for my family. This is my life, you're about to read it like it was written on paper.

The Male Nurse Travels. (2/2)

2008-10-08T21:14:00.002+08:00

'Break time's over, let's go.' d._.b You’ll be alright with Makihara Noriyuki - Home Made Kazoku.

Hello again. Today was the second and final day of my attachment with HNF, and well, I guess it wasn't quite as eventful as i'd hope it'd be. But it's not too bad I suppose, a break from the ward duty, somewhat more freedom, and going home earlier. Can't deny that last part.

The day started quite simply, with me stamping more things. And once my SN grabbed her stuff, finished calling all of her patients, we made off with one less package than yesterday. Today was quite generous too. Oh, and we made a trip to the church fountain to pray before heading out, makes sense why everything went so smoothly.

First stop! Check blood pressure. Next! (Oh, we got free drinks here).

Second stop! A foot dressing, really nice looking wound all covered up. The lady's daughter kind of reminded me of what some of my friends in the past would be like, having to care for your sickly parents at home while your friends go crazy running around after school. I didn't have that burden but now I understand at least how it's like.. and they're coping well too. Lovely family. Well only the mother and daughter were home anyways.

Third stop! Check blood pressure and blood glucose. Did I mention that this old man was living with tenants alone in a one room flat? It looked quite pathetic but I guess that's how bad life is for some of us not quite on the greener side. Nothing much else here..

Third and a half stop! SN had to buy a urine bag before we moved along, so we made a stop at the pharmacy. They were kind enough to give us a discount since we were in our nursing uniforms.

Third and three quarter stop! Lunch time! Most of the stalls here were closed (some old Toa Payoh market, I think Potong Pasir area), so I ended up eating... mee pok again! Like I haven't had enough of that in the ward, well frankly I haven't. More meepok goodness! SN ordered a hotpot but got fishball noodles instead. LOL.

Finally, fourth stop! This was a dude in his late twenties, sadly, got into a RTA (road traffic accident), now the bottom half of his body is paralysed. He's still getting along with life though, kinda reminded me of how Jona would be like if he was paraphlegic. He has tattoos all over his arms and a few more on his legs. From what I could see and judge, those things are all he lives for now. We changed his catether, changed his dressings at both his hips and sacral areas, and that was it. His took the longest for today, but I didn't really notice the time because I was laughing at his conversation with the SN.

Fifth, an old couple living in a 'specialized' old people building. Each apartment has a call bell should anything happen. And yes, the whole building was full of old people, and their corridors were reminiscent of television shows, directly opposite each other without much spacing (Think Ah Wang). The old couple and their granddaughter lived together here, I didn't inquire why, but they seemed pretty happy.

Here, we needed to check the old man's blood pressure and blood glucose level, and the SN had to rearrange pills for him in his pillbox. Now this is the REAL use of a pillbox. He was visually impaired, and his wife was semi visually impaired. I didn't see him tripping over anything in the house though, he must be so used to the environment.

Sixth and final, we headed to AMK to visit this final patient. He had a simple dressing on his foot that ALWAYS oozes out pus, but once you remove the dressing and try to manually evacuate the pus, it's impossible to. Put the dressing on and the next visit it'll be oozing again. Beats me what the hell's happening.

That was it, we departed on a bus to YCK MRT station, and we said our farewells from there. It was a fun two days SN, thank you very much for the guidance, it sure beats staying in some rehab centre.

This visit has taught me that...well life really isn't as green as it seems on the other side. Some people have to live through that 'ungreen-ness' and aren't really as fortunate as I am, but they seem to be somewhat happier than I am. Having little to care for each day, just living without any goals in their mind. I mean, all they need to do is survive and that would be enough for them to pass the day by.

I feel really fortunate that my life is the way it is now because well, it's really stable, I don't even need to get bonded to go through nursing, because my parents really support me financially and I don't have to worry about them because they don't have any serious medical illness.

When I look at these people whom we've visited though, I think if either mom or dad got really ill, i'd do my best, no, I will give my best to them, as a son, and as a nurse, someone who spreads the cure.

This is the job of the traveller, and it has thus ended. Thank you for reading these short memories that i'll keep with myself along my way..

The Male Nurse Travels. (1/2)

2008-10-07T23:49:00.003+08:00

'Go wherever to spread the cure.' d._.b Real - Dual!

Oh, hello there! I'm currently in the phase of my attachments, and well, normally i'd have nothing (or very dramatic things) to write about, but today, i'm actually going to write about something interesting. And yes, it is very interesting, because even I as a nurse didn't know of this. Or I might just be ignorant, but I guess to the general young public of Singapore, this is quite new, I hope.

Today and tomorrow, i'll depart from my usual ward duties and be attached to HNF, the Home Nursing Foundation. Now what is HNF? Basically, an organization where the nurses visit homes to give follow-up care or the continuity of care. The most interesting thing about home nursing, is of course the homes. Most of the time, we'd have six or seven patients to cover in a day, and they'd be (mostly) in the same region.

I was attached to this indian staff nurse whose name I will not expose for confidentiality's sake. But wait, let's start from the top.

The way there was a little bit worrisome, because I had only been to Toa Payoh once before now, and that was with Rick to buy cheapass black shoes and crocs for attachments. So I relied on a map to show me the way, well I didn't print one out of course, I looked it up online and memorised some landmarks and I just decided to make my way there, whether I would get lost or not. Thank God I got there in a single bound, no walking extra or taking wrong turns.

So, early morning time was really draggy, we had a short briefing time, and then we were showed to our staff nurses whom we were attached to. Unlike most of my friends who went to daycare or rehabilitation centres, I had to do the actual thing which was travelling. I don't know if this was a good opportunity or something bad because that meant less slacktime. But I just went and did it anyways, and unlike all of them, this was no boring attachment.

So around 1030, we departed the HQ and went about making our rounds. I had to carry this small 'heavy' bag which had lots of gauzes and supplies for the patients, and yeah, 'Home Visit Meru' was on the move!

So we went to our first patient, and changed her NG tube. In fact, I was rather interested about what they did in home visits, because yeah, I used to think we'd just sit down and talk with patients and stuff. But it's different, we're just here to do our work then we'd scoot off quickly and efficiently.

This SN (abbreviated staff nurse) in fact, had really good time management. Each building we went to was near to the previous, and when we had to finally leave the area, there would be like another two in this area and the next and the next. It was good, all in all we only took transport three times.

To the interchange, and to the next house! On a bus!

We reached the second house, and this was a female catetherization case. Oh, I didn't do anything here, I just sat outside on their chair, and everything suddenly felt nostalgic. The familiar squarish window grilles, the rotating small fan on the right side of it, a bird cage on the left, and the trees moving slowly in the background. After awhile, it began to rain.

So we departed, with an umbrella now, to the thi... oh wait, we had lunch!

During lunch I shared some of my family's background with the SN, and she with me hers. Apparently she's been working in a ward for eight years! But then because of her family, she decided not to anymore. I suppose I had to recollect memories of my mother once more, where I realised that she didn't have any choice when she sent me to a daycare babysitter.

I guess...well I did have a good life, but that's with the cost of my parents. My mum especially. My dad always spoilt us with toys haha.

She told me some of her experiences with her kids and I reminisced about my times as a kid when my mother used to whack me with a cane. It all sounds too familiar, seeing as how she's a nurse too, heh. So after a little rapport building, we left for the third house.

So we arrived on number three which was within walking distance, and now we were full and ready to roll!

Number three took awhile because the NG tube could not be inserted properly. Here I had a SN with eight years of experience, i'm sure she could have troubleshooted the problem, but I guess if she couldn't do it, most likely I won't be able to either. There was blood when we tried to aspirate too, so we had to call up the ambulance and have them follow up the care from there.

We left before they arrived of course. Poor granny was so worried for her husband.

Here we went, now it was 1330, extremely late for a normal timing, she told me. Looks like we were behind time. To get to house number 4, we had to take transport because it was beyond our region. Now that we were late, she said we could take a cab, and so we did. Apparently she could claim cab fees from the company as long as she had the receipt.

Here's house four, a foot dressing, and I bet if most of you saw his foot you'd hurl out your lunch/dinner/whatever you ate, but people like us go 'Oh god, that wound's beautiful! It's covering up nice with tissues!' The uncle was pretty damn cool too, he had a long beard and moustache and he lived with his wife.

Number five on the way, it was just across the road, and well, this one was nothing special really. Just went over, took her blood pressure, and she was well, after that we left. I didn't even do anything.

Finally, number six, we had to take transport, again! A cab of course.

This was in a new part which the SN hasn't been to before, so we were both kind of lost, thank god this cheerful taxi driver gave us the way and drove us up to the house.

There was a big scary dog guarding the inside of the house, but luckily there was another entrance to the home which was entirely sealed off from where the dog was. I wonder now what it was guarding..

Anyway, we had transversed from HDB flats to...bungalows. Or I don't know, houses, whatever the hell you call them, I can't differentiate them with names. They had a freakin' pool, and they eat dinner in their backyard. Even the old man who didn't move a twitch looked like he was royalty, though he was wearing just a normal shirt.

This part was screwed up. They had stocks of pampers and drawsheets, but they did not replace their syringes. The rubber butts of the syringes all came out when we tried to aspirate. And no, it wasn't just one of them, it was all three of them, and that was it, there were no spares in the house. Apparently the maid had told this old man's daughter the day before and she agreed, well from the way she told me it was more like halfhearted agreement to buy the syringes.

Sad, isn't it. Such a beautiful house, exteriors, and they have no syringes. Their pampers stock probably rivals that of a hospital ward, they have auto lights for bathrooms, hell, their bathroom is probably bigger or the same size as my room.

So we departed that place, and well, I could finally go home from there. She dropped me off at Novena with yet another taxi (that totals four, but this one was the transport home), and we went our seperate ways.

Well, i'll write more recollections tomorrow, as well as a complete reflection. So far, it's helping me to appreciate nursing even more.

Mother's Tongue.

2008-09-30T00:39:00.002+08:00

'The scenery on this scorching road is beautiful.' d._.b Carry On - Kurosawa Kenichi.

Greetings, and how long has it been since I last blogged? Ah yes, nine days ago, two days before the beginning of my attachment. I was scared and unwilling to walk again then, because I had become too accustomed to sitting down and just waiting there, ageing, rusting away without doing anything. Afterward, I just picked myself up and began walking the road I was originally forced to. The road i'm still walking now.

Here I am, with the second week of my attachment. I can't say that it's entirely interesting, but it's not that bad either. It's a different location from my usual hospital attachment, so I have to get used to alot of things. During the past week, I experienced hell. It's like starting to walk after sitting down for a damn long time, you start to feel the strains in your leg soon after you begin. And the tingling numbness of it all...just shoots up straight to your head.

I remember complaining to everyone how hardcore this place was. I even contemplated quitting, well, not seriously of course. Deep down I already know that I couldn't stop after coming this far. Plus, all my friends, and all my beliefs so far would be for naught. I just couldn't disappoint everyone, especially not myself.

Today, I learnt something new. Although it was a case of me being 'forced' to take nursing in the beginning, which I still get pissed off about from time to time, I think that it has nurtured me a whole lot as a human being. Right now, I feel like i'm someone who can help others, even though I may get in the way. But I make sure I do more help than harm in the end, because I know that if I don't try, it's the same as being forced to walk on a pathway.

Today I realised, what hardships my mother had to go through while bringing my siblings and myself up. I mean, I already understand the fact that she has worked hard for all our sakes, but I would never truly understand. Well, not until I became a nurse myself of course. And even though i'm just a student, there's no simulations in the real world. I'm helping people, real people, in real environments. Even though i'm just a student.

At times though, I don't want any of my batch members to know that my mother is a nurse, and a rather respectable one at that. Because when they look at me, they would think less of her, because she was unable to unfluence this boy enough to be a better nurse. Because she failed. I don't want people to think that way, I am ashamed of my weaknesses as a nurse, but that's the only reason why I refuse to give up. I may not be smart, but I still have that one thing my mother has.

And I summarize all of it in one word. Devotion.

True, my devotion only lasts for eight hours (ironic huh) but I never dodge patient's requests and i'll do my best to accede them. Sometimes, I miss a mark and forget, but i'll get back on track right away. At the end of the day, i'll realise I learn something new, and with something new each day, I accumulate all this experience and level up! Uh, I mean, become wiser and more adapted to my environment.

So here I am, final year, final semester. Two more weeks worth of attachment here, and i'll be onwards toward another. There's not much time to rest now, I just have to think of walking, and along with my friends, my beliefs, and most importantly, my mother.

Speaking of which, my chinese has evolved. I can now speak market chinese level 1!

Continued Journey.

2008-09-21T00:56:00.002+08:00

'Here I go again.' d._.b Style - Kana Nishino.

Okay, so it's come to the end of a whole month of holidays since my final year examinations. Yeah, unlike other courses, in nursing, we have no second semester for year three. This second semester will be spent in the wards, and with a few weeks of breaks in between, and finishing off with the anticipated and much feared three month long PRCP (Pre-Registration-Consolidation-Placement).

Well, many things have happened this past month. For one, I have a new computer in my room thanks to Rick, who generously donated his monitor, CPU, and keyboard to me. I've pimped it out myself (though it still sucks), and well it can play much more games on higher graphics settings than my outside computer. Plus, it's inside my room. And this marks the first time i'm blogging with it! Hooray!

The first two weeks was pretty intense training too, but me being my lazy and non-disciplined self, I screwed training for the past two weeks and played WoW instead. Yes, WoW is addicting. Because of it i'll find some difficulty resetting my natural alarm clock back to normal for the upcoming attachments. Well, I guess I can always start tomorrow, or should I say later tonight.

I can't say i've done much during this holiday, i've stopped working at Lego, slacked in the training, and pretty much forgotten all of my nursing skills. I'm going to be in deep shit if I don't revise it this coming week during my first week at attachment. Well, not that i'm really panicking, I just feel an obligation to at least help the nurses in the wards i'm attached to.

I've heard bad things about this hospital though, but hey, that's another stereotype, so i'll just put it aside and pray for a bright attachment there.

Can't say i've spent my holiday practically either. Never studied or revised, nor wrote up on that book of nursing skills I wanted to compile. *sigh*. I guess I just wanted to drift about in space for a long time without stopping until I would finally have to stop. Like now, but even so, that one month long holiday feels like a stone's throw. It feels like it ended so quickly.

Soon, i'm gonna graduate. I hope I do anyways, then i'm going to leave NYP, go to the army, and begin working after that. There's no stopping the future from swarming over my head, but I guess it happens to everyone.

There's one thing that will forever ignite me as a kid though, and that's cosfest. A day of costume dressing as your favourite anime character, and being a fool for that one day. I think i'll look forward to it every year, regardless of how old I get. It's one of the things that I can really look forward to with the coming of each year, and the uncanny future that seems to grasp all your worries.

Time to stop drifting in dreamland and start being serious. Time to pack my bags and begin my journey on this mysterious road again, where the destination cannot be seen, where there are many intersections, and where i'll see many familiar people again. More importantly, it's time to save lives.

I'll be writing about my experiences in the ward in the weeks to come, so stay tuned, the life of a male nurse to be continued..!?

...Now where's my A Star brand cheapass black shoes... gotta go dig for it.

....And a red tag beside my prided name, I take on more responsibilities like never before. This is my continued story of a male student nurse.

Insomnic Moon.

2008-09-04T03:46:00.002+08:00

'Time loses it's value.' d._.b Style - Kana Nishino.

Look at that, it's Thursday already. Very soon i'll be down to two weeks of holiday, but there's no real enjoyment here. It seems like the same holiday everytime, I think i'll be better off going to school and studying. But there's this unending paradox that always happens between school and holidays for me. Sometimes, I don't even realise the time slipping past my body.

Lately, i've been having bad sleeping patterns. I wake up only at two in the afternoon, and sleep only at five in the morning. Sometimes I take naps in the late afternoon (more like sleeping), and it increases the time i'm awake at night, or rather, in the morning. I can't define which is which anymore. I'm starting to wonder... is there a reason for this occurence? I'll attempt to uncover that now.

There's a behavioural disturbance most of the time when sleep disturbances occur. No doubt, I probably have one too, but the concluding fact from my mind saying that I have no worries makes that even more difficult to uncover. Perhaps it's because there's nobody at this time. When I look outside my balcony, there's only darkness, a dim light revealing the silhouette of trees, and buildings.

It's very quiet. In fact, if I just close my eyes now, it'll feel like all time has stopped for a moment. I only know time is moving forward because the fan is still blowing winds from the left side of my head, because of this conscious mind. But the simple fact that nobody is awake now is enough to keep me awake. Why? I don't know either, but i'm going to make a few presumptions.

Maybe it's because at this time, I don't have any reason to leave my house. I don't have a reason to do anything other than use the computer. Maybe because it's peaceful and there's nobody talking, I don't feel the prescence of anything either. I feel like there's nobody around. I feel calm, somewhat. There's no real reason I can really think of. But most likely, it's because there's no reason that i'm still sleeping at these times.

Because there is no reason, there is no solution. And hence, nothing will change. I'm still here, awake like an owl, watching as I press down the tabs and words appear on my screen. What's going to happen next? I don't know, i'll most likely go sleep and wake up at two in the afternoon, eat my lunch, watch anime until night time comes, and eat my dinner, wait until it becomes like this again, this quietness.

To be really honest, this silence would kill anyone. Occassionally, the sound of a passing vehicle would break this suffering, but once it passes by everything returns to normal, the same stale and still, unmoving time. This is the life of someone who has no real relations, or has decided to break away from everything. Someone who cannot even bother to watch anymore. Someone who just lives for the sake of living.

At some moments, i'd wish everything would stop. But what then? I have no dreams, no aspirations. When I think of the future, even though it is secure, it feels empty. As long as I have no interaction with people... nothing will change. Good thing my work will force me to interact with people. That way, i'll feel alive... or rather, i'd be forced to. I think that my mind, in its natural state, would choose to avoid everything because of fear. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown.

I'm not going to think that anyone will save me either. The world isn't too kind a place. At times like these, i'll have to rely on sheer willpower and strength to break out of my own madness. Otherwise... i'll just fall into the same old trap I just got out of. One with a madness that never stops laughing, a madness that never stops taunting, a madness that never stops belittling. The only thing I was happy for then... was for time to pass during the insanity. So that I could age and die, and end the suffering.

Looking back, i'm not so different from back then. Some traits of mine still remain. Without the madness though... the waiting for time to pass part kills me. I suppose it's no different from the people in jail. Staring at four walls, waiting for their time to come. I think I finally know how they feel, but I have a computer, so it's not so bad. Look! Twenty minutes has passed!

'Question, why are there four kings in a poker deck?'
'I don't know..'
'BECAUSE THERE'RE FOUR JOKERS TO SERVE THEM! HAHAHA!'
'I don't get it...'

'Question, why does the jester only serve the king?'
'I don't know..'
'BECAUSE HE'S...A FOOL! GET IT? HAHAHAHA!'
'I don't get it either..'

...I don't want to fall down that pit. Never.

I should go sleep soon, maybe it'll erase all this still time. Or maybe it's the cause of it. Heck, it's more like both, but whatever.