Psycho in training.
Save everyone, no matter what.
Cognition over emotion.
Struggling with adulthood.
Leaving my past.
Hope to travel the desert.
Proof of existence. Don't need it.
watched anime
Matantei Loki Ragnarok, Tactics, Cowboy Bebop, Samurai Champloo, Saiyuki Trilogy, Flame of Recca, Samurai X, ZatchBell, GTO, Full Metal Alchemist, Honey and Clover, Bleach, Naruto, Naruto: Shippuuden, The Law of Ueki, FLCL, D.Gray-Man, Soul Eater
'Forward. I must move forward.' d._.b The Best of You - Foo Fighters.
My brain is a tool of repression.
I swear, if one day it fails at this task, i'd probably just cringe onto the floor and go into a comatose state. Because every now and then, I think of issues that I have to solve, that I know I can solve, but I cannot. I cannot because of my obligations. I'd love for people to understand but they don't, and it wouldn't be worth the trouble to. This is probably my fate, because i've ignored plights for so long.
I used to believe that true friends existed. Why? True friends are hard to come by. That, and the fact that you need to put in tons of effort to make friendships work. Yes, that is the blatant truth, and most people know, but they're either ignorant about it or they're not trying hard enough. Right now, I just don't have that kind of energy or drive. The less people I have within my social circle, the better I can focus.
I scored a distinction streak for the last semester. But it didn't come without sacrifices. I have no social life. And while my brother consoles me that it's perfectly alright to have no social life, - because people don't get it - I know that deep down I desire some kind of friendship to keep going on. But I repress. I repress all of these 'useless' thoughts of friendships and kindness and smiles. I repress all of my emotions and put on a mask that only superficially creates relationships.
Yet, I have no choice. I've imposed on my family far enough. This sacrifice is little. Not enough even to measure up to the kindness that everyone at home has shown me. I feel fortunate, I feel lucky. I am thankful for my supportive family.
That's why, I must do well and serve them in time to come. Yet, how much can one man take?
I've told everyone about my grades but to them it's like a requirement for me. Or at least, it feels that way. Not much of praises, nor even congratulatory. No celebration, life just goes on. I brush all of my emotion aside and begin focusing on this semester, because I know I have to maintain this streak. You see, unlike everyone else, I aspire to do an honours programme. And I know the effort that goes into making it happen.
So I continue frowning. Listening to music. Being ignorant to conversations. Avoiding people as much as I can. Avoiding even gazes. Avoiding even confronting them.
I'm doing all this for a purpose.
Only heard nightmare stories of people not being able to find good jobs without a good psychology with honours degree. That's why.. a little bit of suffering now will give me, perhaps a better future to live for.
That, and it'll give me more resources. The more resources I have, the better. The more experience I can gain, the better. As long as I can find the Truth, the Truth is all that matters. Yet, it'll take lifetimes after lifetimes. I might not find it now, but that's alright, at the very least i'll know I died trying.
The Truth, what is it? I don't know either. Somehow, I feel like there's more to what they're all telling us, more than what even they know. Something more that nobody has discovered. The Truth - maybe it'll help me become a better human, maybe it'll turn me insane. Such complexity. Even after so long, we haven't even figured out the human brain. Managed to uncover some of it.. but not the Truth. This Truth, what is it?
I feel there's something we haven't discovered. I'm going to find it. What makes humans tick. What makes us elicit emotion, what makes us do things against our predisposed will. Why do people help others? Why are people selfish? Why do people fight? Why do people seek to fight? Why are people so conflicted?
I'm sure there's more than one answer to each of those questions, and more.
Most importantly, maybe I can find my own Truth.
'Peace.'
After that, maybe I can stop frowning and start looking forward to getting out of bed every morning.
This is my fate. This is my destiny. I will fulfill it, with my very soul and being.
'I remember somehow.' d._.b The Humbling River - Puscifier.
Okay, I have exams next week, and i'm not totally done studying, but feck it, I just feel a need to write a blog entry, so here it is.
With the emergence of Facebook and social media sites, I guess blogs aren't as popular anymore. I remember the days where blogging used to be 'in', and to me, well it still is! It's the only way to write a long post without people questioning the truth of your content; apart from avoiding the idiotic internet trolls and memes (I swear, some people have no originality).
Apart from that, well blogging is the only way for me to recall what i've felt before. So I tend to invoke feelings and emotions into my writing. In the end it feels more like a novel and a narrative than anything. But well, here's a life story of a dude, who's just like any other dude who exists on this planet. The only difference is that this dude writes his life down in words and legible paragraphs.
Today's topic is about childhood ambitions. Can you recall what you wanted to be as a child? Maybe you wanted to be a policeman, or even a traveler, a journalist or even a writer, but the chances are, you're probably not living that dream right now because well, life isn't what you thought it was as a child. As a child, you had legitimate dreams, you wanted to do whatever you wanted to. Hell, I could be a pilot and a submariner the next. You can go ahead and tell me that I could still pursue my dream, because happiness matters more than anything else right? Right.
My childhood ambition was to be a soldier. Why? I don't know. If you ask me now, I really don't, because I don't have enough justifications to back up my choice. I remember writing a composition about "What I want to be when I grow up", and drawing a very badly proportioned soldier with his buddies trudging through the jungle.
...and royally fucking up the entire composition. My teacher got me to redo it, so I asked mum for help. Now mum being the very helpful person she was, basically got me to write me what she thought a soldier was. And back then, as a 7 year-old child, it was pretty insightful.
"...so that I can protect the people I love."
That was one of the sentences she told me to write, probably. Because back then, I loved everyone and everything. I loved the trees, the birds, the flowers, the sun, the clouds, the sky, the roads and cars, my family, my bully of a brother, my irritating sister, my blanket, my pillow, my friends, that goose in school... meh, whatever I came across, I found it in my heart to love. Because back then, I was a kid.
But you know, the me now could probably learn a few lessons from seven year old me. Unfortunately, life isn't so splendid and perfect. And you start to find it a little hard to love. A little hard to even like. A little hard to even appreciate. A little hard to even smile. A little hard to even approve. Life isn't all rainbows and sunshine, isn't all bright and pretty and devoid of hate. That's what life is. A dried up patch of land with the occasional sign of life that waits to betray your own. That's what life is.
Of course, it's not always so gloomy.
From time to time, we find people we start to love. We find people we can like. We find people we can appreciate, we find people that make us smile. We find people that melt our hearts somehow. And no matter how hard you try to hold on to these people, they somehow fade away after awhile. That's when you realise that life isn't about loving others and everything else. It's about loving yourself. That's when you get up on your own two feet and start to walk on your own even when nobody tells you to. Even when there's no smiling, or approval, or love. You just get up and begin walking.
Because before we can begin loving others, we need to love ourselves.
Back then, though, as a child, I considered myself very unworthy. Underperforming, underachieving, not very physically adept, not intelligent academic wise. The only thing I could do was play video games. What use is a fellow like that to the world? I thought myself a very unworthy child, unworthy of love and care and concern. And thus, it felt alright when I didn't get any. I got used to it. Never had to listen to mum's wisdom, or even dad's ranting. I had very little guidance. As long as I had a controller in my hand, I felt secure. Time flew by the hours, by the days.
Soon, I forgot that I even wanted to be a soldier. Protecting the ones I love? I love nobody. So there's nothing to protect. The point is defeated! It is a pointless thought, so I casted it aside.
Until I served, that is. I never thought of serving as a waste of time. Those two years taught me so many valuable lessons that I could have never learnt on my own. So many in fact, that i'm glad I was of the proper age and mindset to take it all with me, and not just treat it as bad remarks. I've gained much wisdom from serving and so here I am.
To be honest, i've considered signing on as a medic in the army. That means, wearing green. I've spent the most of my conscript life in the navy, so there's that. I've always preferred green over the blue anyway. But right now, my reasons for signing on are different.
If I sign on, i'll be prepared to spend the most of my life away from home. Because signing on for the money is nonsense. I sign on so that I can feel alive. Feel alive because i'm threading close to death everyday. When I watch videos of soldiers, I feel a certain level of reverence for them, because they place their life on the line everyday. Movies like the Hurt Locker reflect my emotions a whole lot.
Thing is, if there were to be a draft for war in this country, i'll probably pick up my greens and sign up right away. I know there's a ton of people who wouldn't give their life for this country, and i'm not trying to be special. I'm doing it because it's probably the only thing that can make me feel alive in this time and day. If I don't fight, then it's the same as not living at all. When there's a need, anyway. Right now, the possibility of a war is so sparse that my words are probably like ambient noise - pointless stimuli.
See, I guess we don't all forget about our childhood dreams. We just find different reasons than what we had from back then.
Keep the fire burning, people. Let your passions ignite.
'Merry Christmas.' d._.b Digital Love - Daft Punk.
Merry Christmas everyone! Or whoever's reading anyway. Christmas this year's a little quiet. Then again, I think it's going to remain this way for a long time. Worse still since my elder sister won't be around from next year.
Put it this way, my brother and I - we don't believe in gifts. Gifts make people forget the real meaning of Christmas, makes people scurry about shopping malls at the last minute to get that someone something that he or she might not even use. Why? Because of tradition. Christmas never made sense to me that way. Even a few years back, my aunts and uncles on my maternal side of the family gave us gifts - shirts mostly - that we never use. Ended up donating all of them to relief centres when we cleared up our wardrobes.
So, that's that. Never believed in giving gifts, never believed in receiving them. Christmas is just a time for the family to get together and eat a good hearty meal while enjoying random moments. To me, as long as everyone's smiling on Christmas day, it's a perfect day already. Who needs gifts when you have cherished people surrounding you giving you what you already need? The greatest gift of all; Love. Anything more is just greed or our own perception of what's deemed right.
Still, Christmas doesn't feel as magical as it once was.
I remember as a child, the whole family would spend Christmas eve over at grandma's. My brother, my three cousins (technically one uncle) and myself would be there. The five of us had the closest age gaps and we made Christmas really magical. Somehow, the trees would be filled to the brim with presents, so many presents, one from each person for each child, one from each person for each aunt and uncle, and one from each person for grandma. It was abundant! I've never seen so many Christmas gifts at once before, not even at church. The humble tree (it was rather tiny) would be brightly lit up and placed on a table to exaggerate its height a little bit, and a shiny star placed at the very top.
It would be just how you'd imagine it. Like on television, movies, and even how you hear it being described on the radio. It was perfect like that, a perfect, humble little Christmas tree. Fact is, over the years the presents under the tree started getting even more sparse. From a flood of presents that occurred years before, the presents became so pathetic in amount that even the tree managed to overshadow all of them.
People stopped going over to grandma's. People stopped staying over. I don't know what happened. But when it did, all that was left was me, my brother, and one of my cousins.
I guess that's when we all grew up. We decided that presents no longer made sense. We decided that Christmas had to be spent commemorating Christ. Nothing else mattered. So we stopped going as well.
So this year, it's just us, my dad, and my sister. Oh, and her fiance. Long story short, it's a really quiet Christmas. Never even did see my brother or father laugh a whole lot. Hell, I barely even laughed myself. I don't know what happened, but this isn't Christmas like I remember.
The very consolation that I have is that on Youtube, there're many videos wishing users a Merry Christmas. I was extremely grateful for all of that, because well, I suppose those videos kind of remind me a little bit of my childhood. My magical childhood where everyone had fun..
I guess things happen. And life isn't all that perfect.
Well, enough mucking around, Christmas is almost over. My sister and her fiance still bought me a present despite me telling her that it wasn't a need. Although I told her she needn't do so, I still thanked her. And smiled a little inside. It's nice receiving gifts, I guess I should start giving as well. Thing is, i've never bought gifts for anyone, ever. Except for my brother that is, because we're almost similar. Never understood what other people wanted anyway.
Still, a perfect gift to me is - i've already mentioned it. A whole family, sitting at a dining table, with bountiful amounts of food, and lots of laughter. That's a perfect Christmas, anywhere in the world.
That's pretty much it. Christmas is over, and to me, it really just felt like another Sunday.
Today, I accidentally stumbled upon all of my old blog posts, and I smiled, for some reason. Looking back, I really had one hell of an adventure as a teenager; if not on the outside, then at least on the inside. Insane raging hormones and such. I looked back and smiled and went "Man, did that really happen?! Hahahaha." The fact is that it did happen! And i'm glad it did, and i'm glad I wrote all of it down. Why? Because I could never have remembered all of those things right now, not even if I thought deeply.
So, a quick update on my current self! I'm currently studying in university! Man, i'd never have thought this day would come. Then again, it's um, six months too late to say that! I've been in university since end-June, and thus far it all feels like a big dream. If anything, I feel less and less like a teenager. More and more like an adult. I have these constant thoughts of needing to perform well and get into honours class because my dad is giving up his years of saved cash for this one last ditch chance for me.
I just can't let the man down. Can't do it, 22 years i've been living, and I haven't even contributed to the household yet. Nuh-uh. I've gotta do well, get a stable job and start contributing. Maybe then i'll feel at ease.
University's a chore. Apart from the essays and assignments and mid-term and final year exams and tests, there's the random presentations that we need to do, and research that we have to participate in. Meh. I'll have to be honest, I can't get along with anyone either, for that matter. Maybe it's because i've become so cynical over the years in the army, I just gave up making friends all over. I decided it'd be a waste of time, and so far I haven't been regretting my decision.
People don't seem to be worried even the least bit here. I wonder sometimes if they even know what the hell they're doing, or whether this is what they want to do. But then I stop wondering because it's a stupid, pointless thought. Actions speak louder than words, and therefore thoughts.
Basically, the majority of people in university annoy the hell out of me, maybe because I have a kind of elitist attitude when it comes to striving for the best. Shove the worthless ones aside, make friends with the people who are deemed 'better'. Ack Meru, how far have you fallen? Look at the amount of crap my brain has repressed! It seems like i'm guilty about a lot of things, but I don't realize it consciously. Things like not hanging out with my old friends, not making new friends, generally not giving a fuck about others etc. I really wish I could give a shit, really I do.
Thing is, there's just so much to do. Sometimes I just want to sit back, relax and imagine that the world's gonna end in 7 days or so (I hope not). Because that's probably the only way I can feel free and liberated. Right now, I have to put on this farce because I want to be the best. Really, if I didn't give so much of a shit about my results, maybe i'd have made more friends.
But that's just the way life is. Life throws us limitations and conditions. Mine is simple: i'm treating it as a way to atone for my failure as a nurse. I'm pretty sure that when I tell people I did nursing; their immediate opinion is "Wow, this guy must be doing badly academically." That's how it's played out in my mind. The fact that I gym three times a week doesn't help the 'muscle head' stereotype either.
Well, i'm thinking all of this, which probably isn't even true. And i'm going "Man, fuck this, I don't need this!" and I decide to fight on by myself. It's probably a self fulfilling prophecy if anything. Meaning; I act the way I want people to react to me. So i'm probably unconsciously being a prick to everyone without even knowing. Ignoring Roodra on the bus that one Friday is a good example! Hahaha.
Thing is, deep down I probably don't feel good not giving a shit about others. But the fact remains that I have these limitations. So, I have to live with them; trading off my would-be friends doesn't seem like such a bad idea.. right?
I can't explain why I keep going to the gym either. I guess there's where passion and devotion comes in. Ever had something you can't stop doing no matter what? That even the thought of it is diffused by your own brain a split second later? For me that's the gym. If I don't go to the gym, I get a massive cognitive dissonance. And I have to find a good, a REALLY good excuse to convince myself that my body isn't breaking down from missing that one session.
I don't know, I guess i'm a fanatic like that.
Another thing is; well Rick got married! It's a little late for this, since it's been like 3 months already. I haven't heard from him in awhile. Again, i'm convincing myself that I don't need him anymore. Deep down my emotions are probably telling me to go hang out with him and all my old buddies. Unfortunately, my mind's too strong, it represses all of these thoughts and gives me reasons and excuses for avoiding them.
"Once people are exhausted of their purpose, they are of no use to you." "...Rick? He doesn't need you anymore. He has other friends." "He's married now, he needs to hang out with couple friends. You're non-existent." "You don't need someone like that now, do you?" "Besides, that woman - his wife, you can't really get along well with her can you?" "Forget him. You're better off fighting on your own."
"...Oh right, there was supposed to be a barbecue. Epic meal time style, yes?" "I absolutely DETEST alcohol. So what is the point?" "Fact is, nobody is making an effort anyway." "...so why should I?" "It's not only my responsibility to keep everyone together." "Forget them. You're better off fighting on your own."
These are the thoughts that I can consciously perceive. But I truly believe that deep down, I feel otherwise. I'm not a kid anymore. Perhaps all of these thoughts appear to protect myself. I fear not giving my best nowadays. I hate living in the past. We should ALL move on in life. Forget about who we once were, pretend like it never existed. Because that's just how adulthood works, like grabbing you in the nuts.
I guess i'm not so different from anyone else now, am I? For once I feel at ease. I feel like a human again. It won't change the fact that I have to live with the burden of having to do my best, though. Maybe stress is finally kicking in on me.
Hahaha, I should make this a weekly affair! Looking back at my posts was fun. I want to be able to look back at this too in the future, and see how stupid I am right now. Wait.. didn't I just..? I remember saying that back when I was 16 and started this blog. I guess some things never change, huh. Hehe.
And as I type this with a smirk on my face, the seconds continue to tick away. I'm ageing, but my soul stays the same. Music still keeps me peaceful, training still sets my mind at ease..
The best thing is; well nobody's gonna read this, ever! It'll be kind of like talking to myself, but that's fine, right? Besides, it's better if nobody knows about what I truly feel deep down. Let them have their own perceptions and justifications. I don't care! Hahahaha! People who judge you by the way you behave - well they're really not worth your time. Your true friends, they'll find a way to break you out of it.
...isn't that right Meru? Let's keep fighting. The moment we stop fighting, we lose our purpose. Keep fighting on, fight these emotions and retain your stoic nature. Fight these pointless thoughts. Obscure everything else but the goal at hand. That's all that matters..
In 1961, Stanley Milgram, a psychologist, conducted a study on human obedience to authority figures. This was in response to the holocaust several decades earlier, whereby soldiers exterminated other humans. Was it really their own will that drove them to do such a horrific thing? Or was it because they were told to do so by authority?
Unlike other experiments, this one struck me as one that was quite interesting, and at the same time appalling. Participants were told to administer shocks to another participant under the guise of a "Learning through pain" experiment. Participants thought that they were just going through the experiment by shocking the learner. The fact is that they were the ones being monitored.
The most shocking thing is that before reading the results experiment I thought to myself: "This is silly, nobody in their right state of mind would give another person 450volts of electricity, this experiment is nonsense!".
How wrong I was.
Milgram's research showed that 26/40 people, more than 65% of participants went to the maximum voltage when they were told to. I was shocked, and to some extent I still am. If it were me, I might've been one of the ones to do it, I just might have, and it led to me questioning every single thing that i've been doing in my life up till now. Because, like the participants, sometimes we just don't realise we're hurting other people.
...and the worst part of the experiment was that people all found their actions justifiable. Which, to some extent I could see myself doing as well. They put the blame on the experimenter - who is just an actor as well - and attempt to avoid being marked as the oppressor. The actual fact still remains that they would have been the ones who killed the learner, whom they know is an actual person.
The results of the experiment left a very haunting and terrorizing image in my mind. Are humans just born innately evil? At least, the two-thirds of us? Sure, many of us would say we'll probably not go beyond 200 volts, but that's within the context of THIS scenario. This occurence could apply anywhere else.
Truly, if we as humans are incapable of thinking for ourselves, then we might as well be labelled 'dogs' or 'cats' in our context. Learning only to obey commands and follow without thinking. Religions, education systems, and societal values all play a part in this grand scheme of scrambling our very own moral beliefs.
If that is the case, then our educators of the future need to better equip our youths with a mind that is, in Kohlberg's definition, postconventional. Though really, it depends wholly on the individual...
I haven't posted for a long while, because I really haven't felt the need to. All this while, i've been living a dream so ignorant I can hardly tell it's real. However, this time I can. I used to want to dream the whole day away, I used to want to do nothing, but right now, at this moment, this instant - with my crippling body withering away like a desert rose, I want to live. I want to live and breathe and clutch onto whatever's ahead of me. I want to be alive.
I've done my first work out in three weeks, since I began feeling sick. I gave in at first, seeing as how I needed time and energy to recover. I just couldn't waste my body's resources on workouts when it should be resting to recover. So I waited. And I waited for a long time. The shingles took a week to recover, after that, I still had pain. The same pain I had before the shingles came. It stayed like a lingering pest, as if needing a host to survive. I gave in again.
Then, I had my wisdom tooth operation willingly. More pain. And painkillers. The painkillers... were a godsend. I've never taken anything so much more stronger than this. Within two days, I felt no more pain, and today, I resolved to do what I had almost forgotten to do. Work out. Nourishing my body and spirit. I've found new reasons to live, and some of them are pretty big.
I've been accepted into a private university. This will be my next step for the upcoming three to four years. By the time i'm done, i'll be 26. With a degree, hopefully with honours. No, WITH honours. Definitely.
Why? Because I step in to this battlezone with the same resolve I had five years ago when I wanted to become a nurse. Only this time, I don't really have a choice. I chose my route, I chose my future, and I have no more need to look behind.
I step into the battlezone with the same resolve I had five years ago. The resolve to help others. Because I believe from the bottom of my heart - what I am studying can reach out to others and genuinely help them. And because I believe, I am willing to go through great lengths to prove my conviction. I've met many people with poor convictions the past two years, and to be honest, it's like the only purpose of their lives is to serve as a reminder to myself not to be like them.
I'll heed their advice. And i'll keep moving forward. Because this is me. This is my future, and this is my fullmetal resolve. To the ends of the earth!
'...and the world continues spinning.' d._.b TTHE REAL FOLK BLUES - Mai Yamane with SEATBELTS.
The wind blows hard. I've never felt such a strong breeze in a long time. The trees outside rattle violently, the clothes hanging from the other apartment sway, as if to tell me the wind's direction and strength. Then, water. Drizzling down from the skies, as little as it seemed, like a prelude to something that's about to come.
I've not felt this way in a long time. To have everything around me seem like a dream. At times like these, I can only rely on this blog to keep myself occupied, or continue training like i've always had. In a state of what people generalize as 'emo' I can only rely on my own thoughts and words of comfort. So pathetic, this grown man.
As each day goes by, I come closer to my self acclaimed 'freedom'. 'Freedom', we call it. All of us, serving our nation for two years. Is freedom really what this is? The end of our servitude? If anything, it's just the start of something else, something new but in reality repeating itself. Is that what life is? No, there has to be more. There has to be more to life than just eating, sleeping and going about our daily lives.
'Boring'- a word that many use to describe their every day life.
That's disheartening. How can life be boring? It's a gift given to us. To be alive is the greatest gift that a human being can give. Our parents, i'm pretty sure we're a product of their happiness. Yet, over the years, they've forgotten this 'joy'. A special kinship that they had so many years ago.
When I think about it, I am sad. Do people lose their heart so quickly? What happened to the trust and compassion between each one of them? As if only to protect their own interests, they sweep everyone else away, only to miss them afterward when it's too late. Why? Why do we keep on living? Is it for the sake of others? Or is it for ourselves? Even if it is for ourselves, how do we go about accomplishing what we want? Without destroying others in the process..?
I am confused, I am mellow, I am sad. I am melancholic.
Yet, this will all be over soon. When I reach the end of my lifespan, all of the answers will come to me, because there will no longer be a tomorrow to ponder. All of it will come to an end, all the millions of questions in my head, some of which I have an answer to but do not accept.
What can I do until then? It will be a long and tasking journey. All I have to do is close my eyes, sleep, and pray my nightmares do not catch up to me. Though, they are all that I have.
